Firearms deer season started Wednesday.
- So right now there are thousands of men dressed in camouflage hiding out in the woods…and I’m not talkin’ about Generals Petraeus and Allen.
Donald Trump is rumored to be appearing in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
- Officials have ordered extra strong tethers to make sure his giant ego doesn’t break free and knock down any lightposts.
The Postal Service is looking for a way to speed up mail delivery.
- I believe we already have that…it’s called “email”.
An ex-California teacher is suing her former district, claiming her boss told her to “train her breasts not to produce milk” during school hours.
- The principal had no comment other than saying “they’re real and they’re spectacular!”
- Her idiot boss was obviously a bottle-fed baby.
On this day in 1492 Christopher Columbus made the first written reference to tobacco after seeing a group of Indians smoking.
- The Indians were on break from their jobs at the “Jamestown Casino”.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brand new Podcast! (#64)
-Dick
New details in the General Petraeus Sex Scandal are surfacing faster than Shamu during the Friday Fish Fry at SeaWorld.
I’ve posted a flow chart to help you keep track of the players (and I do mean players!)
In the meantime… General Petraeus annouced this morning that he will voluntarily testify at the hearings about the events in Benghazi.
- At this point he’ll agree to do anything that will get him away from his wife for a few hours.
*****
Petraeus could face criminal charges for sharing classified information with his biographer/mistress Paula Broadwell.
- You say “Classified Information” he says “Pillow Talk”.
- See ladies! This explains why men never want to talk after sex when you say, “What are you thinkin’ about?”.
*****
The Petraeus Plot has gotten even thicker after it was revealed that the FBI agent who investigated Jill Kelly’s claim that she was receiving threatening emails from Paula Broadwell, had previously sent Kelly topless photos of himself.
- Am I the last one to know that Anthony Weiner is working for the FBI?
*****
Meanwhile… the investigation into Marine General John Allen, who took over command of the troops in Afghanistan when Petraeus left to head the CIA, is still under investigation for enchanging thousands of pages of “innapropriate” emails with Jill Kelly - the one who exposed Petraeus’ affair with Broadwell.
- I had no idea our Generals were so interested in Privates!
*****
The 23-year-old man who accused Kevin Clash…aka… “Elmo” from Sesame Street of having a sexual relationship with him when he was underage has retracted his accusations. He now says he was of age when it began and it was a relationship between two consenting adults.
- And one fuzzy, red puppet.
- Bert & Ernie are said to be a little dissappointed that Clash, who is openly gay, never even made a pass at them.
*****
On this day in 1908 Albert Einstein presented his Quantum Theory of Light.
- If he’d wanted people to actually read it, he should have named it his “Quantum Theory of Fifty Shades of Light Grey”.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!
-Dick
A former spokesman for General David Petraeus described his wife Holly Petraeus’ reaction to his affair by saying, “Furious would be an understatement”.
- Congress has dubbed the scandal “Fast & REALLY Furious”.
The current American Commander in Afghanistan, Marine Corps General John Allen is now being accused of sending 20 to 30 thousand pages of “inappropriate” emails to Jill Kelly. Remember, she’s the girl in Tampa who received threatening emails from General Patraeus’ girlfriend, Paula Broadwell.
- Kelly looks like a Kardashian and this whole thing sounds like an episode of “The Real Housewives of Tampa, Florida”.
- Sounds like John Allen wanted to “Tampa” with Mrs. Kelly.
- Wouldn’t you think the top guys in the Military would have figured out an “Exit Strategy”!
Elmo Muppeteer Kevin Clash has taken a leave of absence from “Sesame Street” after being accused of having inappropriate releations with an underage male.
- They say it all started when the young man was hired as a “Test-Tickler”.
- Bert was accused of the same thing when he first started dating Ernie.
- While he’s gone, Elmo will be replaced by the Afflack Duck.
Kwame Kilpatrick is back in court today following a two week break in his Federal Corruption and Racketeering trial. The Kwamster tweeted: “Back in Detroit! Strapping on my boots. Time to go back to work on my freedom. Plus, I need the boots for all the bull excrement.”
- If anybody knows B.S. it’s Kwame.
On this day in 1914 Mary Jacobs patented the bra.
- A year later she “padded” it and sold out.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Though yesterday was Veteran’s Day, today is the official “Observance”. Thanks to all of the Veterans for their sacrifice and service.
I must include myself, since I spent a total of 8 years on Active Duty and in the Army Reserve. The most exciting action I saw, occured during training at Fort Bragg, the home of the 82nd Airborne. While there, I received a medal for my most noteworthy accomplishment, which was spending six weeks in the North Carolina heat and humidity during the middle of summer…and losing 30 pounds. (I don’t recommend it as a Diet!)
Instead of the “Purple Heart”, I got a congratulatory phone call from the President…of Weight Watchers.
And now on to other news…
General Petraeus reportedly sent hundreds, and some reports say even thousands of emails over several months to Paula Broadwell, his biographer and the woman he was having an extra-marital affair with. The emails reveal that he had sex with Broadwell under his desk at the CIA.
- A move he picked up from Bill Clinton.
- You’d think the head of the CIA would be a little better at keeping things “secret”!
- Paula Broadwell says it was just her way of “giving thanks to our troops”.
16,000 people a year go to the emergency room to treat genital injuries.
- 5,000 of those trips have been made by a General D. Patraeus in the week since his wife found out about the affair.
In other shocking romantic news… Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have broken up.
- You’ll be able to hear all the details in their new pop duet: “We Just Broke Up”.
A study in Australia found that one-in-three women feel depressed after sex.
- But, like the sex itself, the depression usually lasts only a minute or two.
- This must be why they refer to Australia as “The Land Down Under”.
McDonald’s just posted it’s first sales drop in nine years.
- Looks like Michael Moore switched to Burger King!
On this day in 1928, George Gipp’s request to “Win one for the Gipper” was fufilled when Notre Dame beat Army 12-6.
- Yesterday, General Petraeus requested that his lawyers “Win one for my Zipper”.
Have a great day, Thank a Veteran, and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!
-Dick
Welcome to the weekend! This week I decided to do something a little different than my usual Podcast.
I thought it would be fun to take a look back at some Politics from the Past. So I pulled out my boxed set of “The Best of Purtan & Purtan’s People”, and picked out a few bits we did on the air about two Presidents and one “Ballot Proposal” from years gone by.
From Ronald Reagan to “Mr. Clinton’s Neighborhood” to a commercial parody it’s more fun than watching Chris Christie at a Weight Watchers Meeting!
Ronald Reagan On Voting For Clinton - (2:58) - “Best of Purtan Volume 4” (1993)
A Vote For Proposition H - (:30) - “Best of Purtan - Volume 9” (2007)
Mr. Clinton’s Neighborhood - (3:00) - “Best of Purtan - Volume 9” (2007)
Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here on Monday!
-Dick
Scientists say that it is possible to literally be bored to death.
- The study was paid for by friends of my ex-brother-in-law.
A new National Institutes of Health study found that working out regularly at the gym can add up to 4 years to your life.
- That is, unless you spend your time on the treadmill watching Wolf Blitzer.
- If Jack LaLane had only known this he might still be alive today!
Colorado was one of two states that voted to legalize marijuana.
- John Denver must have been psychic when he wrote “Rocky Mountain High”.
- It gives a whole new meaning to the expression, “What does it take to get arrested in this Joint?”
Detroit voters elected Brian Banks, an 8-time ex-con with a record of check fraud, to be a state representative.
- The rule of thumb with Detroit voters is: 8 convictions is okay…but they draw the line at 9!
Despite $2 Billion being spent nationwide on campaigns, 12 Million fewer people voted than in 2008.
- Apparently some Americans are so lazy, they won’t even exercise their right to vote!
Harrison Ford is reportedly interested in playing Han Solo again if a new Star Wars movie is made by Disney.
- But this time his light saber will only work if he takes Viagra.
- The movie poster will feature Harrison and Chewbacca in side by side bathtubs on a planet in a galaxy far, far away.
Jermaine Jackson has asked the courts to legally change the spelling of his last name to “Jacksun“…For no apparent reason.
And Cameron Diaz has announced that her favorite snack food is Fried Pork Rinds.
- Thankfully the election’s over so now we’re able to get back to the REAL news!