Fred Gets Boot From ABC; Hand From Fallon...

It’s strike two for Fred Willard… ABC has pulled the last two episodes of his show “Trust Us With Your Life” after his arrest for lewd conduct at an adult movie theater on July 18. He already lost his narrator gig on a public tv show. Willard went on the Jimmy Fallon show and said he was embarrassed by the incident but did nothing wrong. Officials say he may be eligible for a “diversion program” instead of facing formal charges. 

- Wasn’t it a “diversion” that got him in trouble in the first place? 

- Fallon’s audience gave Fred a big hand… not that he needed it. 

New Coffee Has People Nervous...

There’s a new coffee on the market that is advertised as the most highly caffeinated coffee in the world. If you don’t like it, you can return it within 60 days. 

- That is if you can keep your hands steady enough to fill out the return slip. 

- Doesn’t the economy have us all jittery enough? 

- If you add cream to it, you can technically call it a “Milk Shake”. 

Easy Way To Drive Your Dog Insane!

A professor of animal behavior said that letting a dog chase a dot from a laser pen could make it go insane.

- This could really put a dent in attendance on “Bring Your Schnauzer To Work Day”.

- But apparenty dogs can chase their own tails unsuccessfully for years with no ill effects. 

Her Husband Wasn't Shooting Blanks Either...

A Mayaysian woman is competing in the Olympics rifle shooting competition while eight months pregnant. 

- An eight month pregnant hormonal woman with a gun - that pretty much assures her of winning a medal. 

- If she goes into labor on the course she’ll be demanding an epidural… at gunpoint. 

Alec Baldwin Swears By New German Phone Service!

Germany has a new hotline that lets people call in and yell curse words at strangers on the other end. 

- You gotta admit, it’s a nice alternative to invading Poland. 

- A lot of people are sticking with the old fashioned method of calling their ex-spouses and doing the same thing. 

More From The "Breaking Nudes" Department...

Lady Gaga tweeted a naked picture of herself. 

- The most surprising part of this story is that it took this long for it to happen. 

- I thought for sure there’d be a pork chop or two hanging from somewhere. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1774, Joseph Priestley discovered Oxygen. 

- Before that, people were forced to survive by breathing “air”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

"Queen" Shaken But Not Stirred...

Queen Elizabeth is being hailed as “The New Bond Girl” after a video piece featuring Daniel Craig and a “Body Double” of her Royal Highness showed her allegedly parachuting into the stadium during Friday nights Opening Cermonies of the Olympic Games.  

- The original plan had been to use Camilla, but the PETA people threatened to protest. 

- The last Queen to float like that was Freddie Mercury. 

Lady In Red???

There was one hitch in the Opening Ceremonies Friday night. A mysterious woman in a red jacket walked through the stadium with the athletes from India - although she’s not on the team and no one knew who she was. Turned out, she was one of the dancers hired for the show. The Olympic committee said she posed no threat to security. 

- The woman later apologized, saying she was “very Sari”. 

- Her boyfriend had planned on crashing the event too, but he got stuck on the phone all night helping some guy fix his computer. 

Boobs Boom Or Bust!

After waging a war against smoking, fatty foods, and sugary drinks, NYC Mayor Bloomberg is now taking aim at new mothers. He is encouraging hospitals to hide their supply of baby formula to get more mom’s to breast feed their newborns. 

- He is now the official head of the “Nipple Nazi Party”. 

- Even Elsie, the Borden Milk Cow, said the move is udderly ridiculous. 

Pamper Him/Her!

A study shows that it is bad for toddlers to be potty-trained before the age of 3. 

- Many parents are against it for a couple reasons: #1 and #2. 

- I guess they think kids need to be Pampered… at least until they get to pre-school. 

- The Obama Administration backs the study, calling it “Diaper Change You Can Believe In!”

Apple Wants Bite Out Of Samsung!

Apple claims that Samsung stole their iPhone technology.   

- They plan to get royalties using the new App “iSue”. 

- They also claim Samsung stole their “iPad” idea… only Samsung’s was bigger and they called it the “Maxi-Pad”.

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1898 Corn Flakes were invented by Will Kellogg. 

- The very next year he invented “Fruit Loops” which he named after his gay brother.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Tuesday! 

-Dick

 P.S. Good luck to new “Big Daddy’s” restaurant on Victor Parkway between 7 & 8 Mile just off I-275! Delicious!

Purtan Podcast #51: "It Seems Like Every Tom, Dick & Jackie Has An Opinion!"

In honor the of the Olympic games… Jackie and the ever-popular former “Purtan’s Person” Tom DeLisle join me to run rings around a variety of subjects. From Fred Willard giving more than “two thumbs up” at an adult movie theater and why ANYONE would take that risk, to some interesting speculation on the timing of Joe Paterno’s death (think of the Penn State Football field as a sort of “Grassy Knoll”) it’s all here. 

Throw in our discussion about the world’s fattest woman losing 100 pounds by having sex 7 times a day (which would make a popular Olympic event!) and you’ve got a Podcast that will “weigh on your mind” long after it’s over! 

So grab a cold 32 ounce soda pop (unless you live in NYC), sit back, and let the games begin! 

Have a great weekend! 

Dick

Podcast #51 (41:24)

"The Good Book" To Be Replaced By Another Best Seller...

John Denby, a hotel owner in England, is replacing all of the Gideon Bibles normally found in each guest room with a copy of the steamy “Mommy Porn” novel, “Fifty Shades of Grey”. He says most people are “bored” with the Bible. 

- Holy Moses! 

- And he thought he had a problem with people stealing towels! 

- He’s going to have to use some chains to attach the books to the night stand! Come to think of it, those chains might come in handy!

- When the local clergy heard about it they turned “Fifty Shades of Red”.

Why Not Invite Your Aunt To A Picnic?!

Today is National Aunt & Uncle Day! 

- Remember… if it wasn’t for your Grandparents, would your Aunt or Uncle be your Aunt or Uncle? So remember your Grandparents on Aunt and Uncle Day! 

Taylor Swift-Boats Rumors of Schwarzenegger Affair!

Taylor Swift denies that she and Arnold Schwarzeneger’s son Patrick are dating. 

- Taylor’s fans know it’s not true since she’d never be able to write a song lyric that rhymed with Schwarzenegger!

- Isn’t it usually the Schwarzenegger who’s doing the denying about dating someone? 

Lady Gaga Not Such A "Living Doll"?

Lady Gaga is being sued for $10 million by the makers of Bratz Dolls, who claim she deliberately delayed the release of a doll based on her. 

- Lady Gaga apologized for procrastinating, but added that it’s not her fault since she was “Born This Way”. 

- When it finally does come out, you’ll find the doll in the toy aisle, and the miniature meat dress in the refrigerator section next to the bologna.

Kim & Kanye Sittin' In A Tree...

Rumor has it that Kanye West may be about to propose to Kim Kardashian. 

- But he still maintains that Beyonce’s wedding video was the greatest video of all time! 

- Their first dance will reportedly be to that romantic classic, “I Love Big Butts And I Cannot Lie!”

Man Who Popularized Treadmill Runs Out Of Energy... Permanently.

The man who brought popularity to the in-home treadmill died at age 96. 

- His wife says he was always on the run but never seemed to get anywhere. 

- I planned to honor his passing with a half-hour run today, but then I realized the motor on my treadmill died two years ago.