Justin Bieber allegedly assaulted a photographer who was standing in front of his car.
- In this case “assault” means Bieber gave him an “atomic wedgie” and a “nuclear noogie”.
- Witnesses said the photographer was very brave… for actually claiming that he needed medical attention because he got hurt by Justin Bieber.
On this day in 1821, the rubber fire hose was patented by James Boyd.
- And the very next day, for the very first time, someone said, “Up your nose with a rubber hose!”
Have a great day, I’ll see you back here Thursday, and don’t forget to check out Podcast #44 - with the inside scoop on Johnny Carson! It’s on the DickPurtan.com homepage!
-Dick
Chris Hayes of MSNBC is catching hell for saying on the air Saturday, during the Memorial Day Weekend, that he’s uncomforable calling every fallen US military member a “hero” because it’s “rhetorically proximate to justifications for more war.”
- Well now we know who went to college!!!
- Guess who didn’t take any ROTC classes?
- When he goes to Subway, he never orders a “hero” because that would be “rhetorically proximate to justifications for more sandwiches.”
The government is trying to raise airline prices by five dollars to help pay for TSA security in airports.
- They ask that you pay the $5 bucks in singles and slip them into the TSA agents waistband as they grope you.
- Five extra dollars… this means you’re going to have to skip that pack of gum you were planning on buying in the airport gift shop.
- The program has been dubbed “Grope-A-Dope”.
A new report finds that current memebers of the US Congress speak at a 10th grade level - down a full grade from 7 years ago.
- That explains why I heard a Congressman quote the “Gettysburg Address” as, “Um, like four or five score and like twenty-something years ago, our like, four fathers (yeah, like you can have four fathers!) laid down on top of this totally incontinent…”
- The study also found that most male Congressmen spend a lot of time doing the same thing as 10th grade boys… sitting around all day “Twittering” their thumbs.
A Toyko man who says he’s asexual and had his genitals surgically removed, cooked them and served them up to five diners for 100,000 yen.
- Hey… you can get five hot dogs - plus a bag of chips - at your local coney island for a lot less than that!
- If it’s true that “You are what you eat” then I know five guys in Tokyo who are now asexual men who’ve had their genitals removed.
On this day in 1987 Michael Jackson attempted to buy the remains of The Elephant Man.
- It was too expensive, so he bought the remains of the “Donkey Man” instead.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
-Dick
Over my last few years on the air approaching Memorial Day Weekend, I recited the following poem in honor and in memory of the brave men and women of the Military who have laid down their lives that we may live ours.
That poem, “The Inscription”, was sent to me by a listener, Paul Reside. Paul’s Grandmother, Annabelle Gunnett Jones, penned it around 1932. The poem was picked up and published in the the Perry County, Ohio newspaper for a number of years on “Decoration Day”, or as we know it today - “Memorial Day”.
Annabelle was inspired to write the poem by her husband, a World War I Veteran, as a tribute to the Unknown Soldier.
I hope you will share “The Inscription” with your family and friends. In these turbulent times, it is imperative that we never forget the sacrifice our men and women in uniform have made, and continue to make today, so that we may live in freedom.
Just click on the underlined link below to hear me reading the words written so long ago… that still resonate today.
“The Inscription” by Annabelle Gunnett Jones
I hope you are enjoying a safe and happy Memorial Day Weekend. God Bless America!
-Dick
P.S. Here are two songs that I find appropriate to play today…
Today former “Purtan’s Person” Tom Delisle returns to the table, joining Jackie and me with a unique first-hand account of behind-the-scenes showbiz stories from the good old days. (You know… before “Jersey Shore” and “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”). We’re talking Johnny Carson here! Tom had an intimate relationship with “Family Feud” & “The Match Game” star Richard Dawson (no… not THAT kind of intimate relationship). Tom wrote monologues for Dawson, who regularly hosted “The Tonight Show” when Johnny took vacation. The encounters between the three of them are not only funny, but also offer fascinating insight into “the real Carson” - the man-behind-the-man who put us all to bed at night. And so, without further ado, “HERE’S……. THE PODCAST!”
Have a great Memorial Day Weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday with some of my favorite patriotic music as we honor those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our country.
-Dick
The Internet is buzzing about a new diet pill containing Gila Monster saliva that’s been shown to reduce food cravings.
- There’s also a pill that makes you look like a Gila Monster… it contains the saliva of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
- It tastes a lot better than the diet pill containing toe-nail clippings from Big Foot.
Queen Elizabeth’s old panties, which were left on a private plane when she visited Chile in 1968, were auctioned off for $18,000.
- You should have seen what they got for Prince Charles’ ear muffs!
- In a related story, a Secret Service agents underpant’s that were left in a hotel room in Colombia haven’t gotten a single bid on e-bay.
- A saddle left in a barn in Wales by Camilla hits the auction block this week.
A professor in Turkey claims the recent earthquake in his country has caused an increase in cats attempting suicide.
- Doctors describe them as “Cat-atonic”.
- He says the cats seem to prefer strangulation since they have all that yarn on hand.
A new poll found that Obama’s embrace of same-sex marriage made 25% of Floridians less likely to vote for him.
- I’m amazed. Judging by the blinkers on their cars, I think they’d go left no matter what.
- 75% said it doesn’t make a difference since they’ll probably have passed away by election day anyway.
A New Jersey woman claimed she was fired by her boss because she’s too attractive.
- I believe the woman was actually fired because her boss’s WIFE though she was too attractive.
- This must be the same reason I wasn’t allowed to join the MENSA Society… I guess I was just too gosh darn good looking!
On this day in 1988 John Moschitta set the Guinness World Record for fast talking: 586 words per minute.
- That record was broken last Tuesday by the women on “The View”.
Well another day, another computer problem! Still can’t get pix up on website. Have to go now and continue my eighteen hour long conversation with the man named “Bob” in India.
-Dick
Two jurors have been dismissed for falling asleep in the government’s perjury trial against Roger Clemens.
- They need something to keep them up… like say, steroids.
- Luckily, the judge had already named a few “designated jurors” just in case.
Reverend Jeremiah Wright is claiming that in 2008, the Obama campaign proposed giving him $150,000 to stop preaching for a year.
- That’s what is known as using the “Bully Pulpit”.
- Apparently Wright preferred to make his money the traditional church way… just keep passing the plate around!
Eugune Polley, the inventor of the first TV remote control, has passed away at 96.
- That’s actually 296 in hi-def TV years.
- His memory will be honored with a moment of silence as men across the country lay on the couch and simultaneously turn the volume down for a few seconds.
- Remember what people used to do before the invention of the remote? They had kids to change the channel for ‘em.
- His wife only realized he had died when he sat through an entire episode the “The View”.
A former high-ranking Democrat & CNN exec in Georgia is facing a fine after he was caught on video leaving his dog’s poop in his neighbor’s mailbox.
- If it had been Keith Olbermann… he would have lit the poop on fire.
- You should have seen what he had delivered to the guy by U-Pee-S.
- CNN was mad because Fox and MSNBC “pooper-scooped” them on the story.