Well another day, another computer problem! Still can’t get pix up on website. Have to go now and continue my eighteen hour long conversation with the man named “Bob” in India.
-Dick
Two jurors have been dismissed for falling asleep in the government’s perjury trial against Roger Clemens.
- They need something to keep them up… like say, steroids.
- Luckily, the judge had already named a few “designated jurors” just in case.
Reverend Jeremiah Wright is claiming that in 2008, the Obama campaign proposed giving him $150,000 to stop preaching for a year.
- That’s what is known as using the “Bully Pulpit”.
- Apparently Wright preferred to make his money the traditional church way… just keep passing the plate around!
Eugune Polley, the inventor of the first TV remote control, has passed away at 96.
- That’s actually 296 in hi-def TV years.
- His memory will be honored with a moment of silence as men across the country lay on the couch and simultaneously turn the volume down for a few seconds.
- Remember what people used to do before the invention of the remote? They had kids to change the channel for ‘em.
- His wife only realized he had died when he sat through an entire episode the “The View”.
A former high-ranking Democrat & CNN exec in Georgia is facing a fine after he was caught on video leaving his dog’s poop in his neighbor’s mailbox.
- If it had been Keith Olbermann… he would have lit the poop on fire.
- You should have seen what he had delivered to the guy by U-Pee-S.
- CNN was mad because Fox and MSNBC “pooper-scooped” them on the story.
A study in Britain found that 30% of divorce filings now include the word “Facebook”.
- And 80% of people actually find out that they’re getting divorced on Facebook.
- Do you realize how much money people could save on court costs if “Unfriending” a spouse was legally binding?
- When the divorce is finally over, you hear at least one of the parties yell “Yahoo!”
On this day in 1430, Joan of Arc was captured by the Burgundians, who sold her to the English.
- The guards who arrested her said she was “smokin’ hot!”
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here (hopefully with pictures!) Thursday!
-Dick
Sorry, due to yet another technical difficulty, we couldn’t put up any pictures today. Use your imagination!
-Dick
Kwame Kilpatrick was dealt another setback when a judge refused to delay the start of his federal trial. Kwame’s lawyers had requested four extra months to prepare, but the judge said jury selection will start in September as scheduled.
- Insiders say Kwame was so depressed he didn’t have the energy to do anything illegal.
- On a bright note, the faster they pick a jury, the faster Kwame can start trying to bribe them!
Facebook stock value dropped Monday. It’s now selling for 10% less than it’s initial public offering last week. That means Mark Zuckerberg lost $2 billion of the $16 billion he made in just five days.
- Poor guy… How’s he supposed to get by on just $14 billion?
- His new bride was so mad she “unfriended” him on Facebook.
- Luckily, the stock price doesn’t effect peoples ability to post that they’re standing in line at the grocery story buying cheese.
There’s a new condition called “smartphone face,” which includes saggy jowls and double chins. It’s allegedly caused by spending so much time looking down while using phones and laptops.
- “Saggy Jowls and Double Chins”… I used to pick-up Chinese carry out from there all the time!
- Michael Moore must eat there too.
- Wanna get rid of “Smartphone Face”? There’s an App for that! Of course downloading it and using it will actuallly make the condition worse.
San Francisco is naming a street after Nancy Pelosi.
- They got the idea when they pictured her without her bra and realized her name would be perfect for a street that goes downhill.
- Being San Francisco, I would have thought they’d name a street after Barney Frank…
A Chinese company has purchased the AMC theater chain for $2.6 billion.
- Suddenly even a bad movie will seem so good you’ll want to go back and watch it again an hour later.
- The hardest part is going to be eating your Ju-Ju Bees with chopsticks.
- I can’t wait to try the “Raisinets in Chef’s Special Sauce”!
A DC Comics publisher said a prominent character will soon “come out of the closet”.
- They wont say who… but they did say he’ll be able to leap tall buildings while wearing really expensive designer shoes.
- Finally Batman and Robin will have somebody to go clubbing with!
- A lot of guys hope it’s actually two characters: “Wonder Woman” and “Batgirl”.
On this day in 1803 the first Public Library opened in Connecticut.
- News didn’t get out for while as the Librarians insisted that everyone “keep quiet”.
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg tied the knot with his longtime girlfriend the day after pocketing over $16 Billion dollars with his IPO.
- She wouldn’t marry him until she was positive he’d be a good provider.
- A lot of couples spend their wedding night counting all the cash they got. If that’s the case, the Zuckerbergs aren’t going to sleep until 2077.
- Instead of “I Do’s” they “I PO-ed!”
A Tennessee man is asking a court for a break on his child suport from the 30 children he has fathered with 11 women. Desmond Hatchett is 33 and twice fathered four kids in one year. BTW… he works at a minimum wage job.
- A minimum wage job? With 30 illegitmate children, I assumed he worked for the NBA.
- With all the time he spends fathering kids, I’m amazed he has time to go to any job at all!
- On the bright side… he’s gonna have one heck of a Father’s Day!
The producers of the “Billboard Music Awards” are taking heat for cutting off a vocal tribute to the recently deceased Donna Summer in order to go to a commercial break. They also failed to mention the death of Dick Clark and Davy Jones but let Justin Bieber give a rambling speech.
- I don’t understand the problem…
- Probably most of the people who watch the Billboard Music Awards think Dick was part of the “Lewis and Clark” expedition.
A woman walked through a New York lumber store over the weekend completely naked.
- The store now boasts that they feature 2 X 4’s and 36-18-34’s.
- Employee’s of the store have been Pine-ing for her ever since.
- One guy tweeted a picture of her and suddenly every man in New York decided it was time to build a new deck.
Disneyland Tokyo announced that it’s going to allow same-sex couples to get married at the themepark.
- John Travolta just filed a flight plan to Tokyo for he and his masseuse.
- I don’t want to be there when Sleeping Beauty wakes up and finds out Prince Charming has found his own Prince Charming.
- To celebrate, the park has added an 8th dwarf… “Flamboyant-y”.