A new book by CNN’s Peter Bergen claims that Osama bin Laden considered himself to be a ladies’ man, but he had to drink a homemade Viagra-like potion to keep his four wives interested.
- Now we finally know how SEAL TEAM 6 located his secret hideout… satellite photos spotted Osama and one of his wives sitting in bathtubs out in the yard.
- When he took the potion, his wives referred to him as “The Underwear Bomber”.
President Obama’s current TV advertising campaign is touting the fact that he had Osama bin Laden killed and states that Mitt Romney wouldn’t have issued the order to kill him.
- We’ve checked, and Romney admits he would have given a much harder punishment: He would have put Osama in a cage, strapped him to the roof of his car and gone on a road trip.
While Metro-Detroit’s own Circuit Court Judge Wade McCree has apologized for a serious error in judgement for sending a picture of his naked torso to a court employee, the woman who received the pic (an unidentified baliff) says she doesn’t consider it sexual harrassment and thought it was a joke. BTW… McCree specializes in “Sexual Misconduct” cases.
- It’s weird… in most pictures of Judges they’re at least wearing a robe!
- I just hope this doesn’t give Judge Joe Brown any ideas.
Believe it or not, there is now an online dating site for dogs called MatchPuppy.com.
- Aren’t most online dating sites for dogs? Why else would people use pictures of OTHER PEOPLE on their profile page?
- One female dog’s profile reads, “Tail looking to Wag The Dog”.
- Most the of online doggie-daters are real schnauzers.
- Some support the site saying their dogs have found the applicants quite fetching.
Kim Kardashian was a guest at this past weekend’s White House Correspondents Dinner.
- Surprisingly, she wasn’t the butt of any jokes.
Newt Gingrich was expected to end his presidential campaign on Tuesday but has decided to postpone the announcement until Wednesday.
- This gives people one more day to change their minds and vote for Newt!
On this day in 1900 Hawaii was organized as a U.S. territory.
- Everybody celebrated by getting a lei.
Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Tuesday!
P.S. - Don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#40). My daughter Jessica (#5) joins Jackie and me for the first time! Look for it on the DickPurtan.com homepage!
-Dick
Well I’m finally back broadcasting from up North after dodging the not cold, not snowy, ridiculously mild March and April weather here in Michigan by going to Florida. Joining me at the old dining room table today… my “regular” fellow Podcasting daughter Jackie, along with a very special guest star… Dr. Phil! (Okay, it’s actually my daughter Jessica (#5) - but she is a psychologist and has much nicer hair and a thinner mustache). The girls and I touch on everything from exercise & eating habits to a new survey that allowed us to figure out how long we’re going to live. We also get a glimpse into the life of Jessica’s 8-year-old son Jack who, given recent events in Colombia, may well end up becoming a Secret Service Agent! Buckle your seat belts… it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!
Have a great weekend!
-Dick
Purtan Podcast #40 (37:03)
Sources say that Newt Gingrich will officially leave the presidential race next Tuesday, May 1st.
- Fellow Republicans are referring to it as “Super Tuesday”.
- I’m pretty sure at this point Newt is the only person who believes he’s still in the race.
- The move comes after Gingrich took a shellacking in the last 5 primaries, and his wife’s hair was shellacked at her favorite salon.
Former John Edwards’ aide, Andrew Young, testified that he was told that hiding Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter, was “the most important job on the campaign”.
- The second most important job was keeping Edwards’ campaign bus stocked with AquaNet.
An analysis of beer prices at Major League Ball Parks has found that our very own Comerica charges the most for suds. While the league average is $6.61, you have to cough up $8.75 for a small draft beer at a Tiger game.
- Well they have to get the money to pay Prince Fielder somewhere!
- Miguel Cabrerra was among the first to complain saying it’s costing him a fortune to get drunk before the opening pitch.
More than 100 people showed up to attend a wedding between two dogs in Palm Desert, California.
- Rumor has it the groom’s mother was a real bitch.
- There wasn’t a dry eye in the place when the minister announced, “You may now sniff the bride’s butt”.
- They registered at “Abercrombie and Fetch”.
Rosie O’Donnell set off a media firestorm by announcing on the “Today” show that Lindsay Lohan is not right for the role of Elizabeth Taylor in an uncoming Lifetime biopic. Rosie said Lilo is not capable of playing Liz and needs to take time off to get help.
- Lindsay was so hurt she got incredibly drunk and crashed her car. No wait… she just did that because it was Wednesday.
- Rosie is hoping to play Taylor herself in a sequel called, “Liz Taylor: The Plump Years”.
An Idaho man has been arrested on assault charges after he allegedly pointed a rifle at a guest in his home and demanded that he perform “The Moonwalk” dance made popular by Michael Jackson.
- If you’re gonna point a gun at somebody and force them to do a Jackson move, you’d think it would be a re-creation of JANET Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction!
- Unfortunately there were no prints on the gun as the suspect was wearing a white sequined glove.
- Not a lot goes on in Idaho… so locals consider the incident a real “Thriller”.
On this date in 1514 Copernicus made his first observation of Saturn.
- He named it “Saturn” because he said it had a nice ring to it.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast!
-Dick
Kwame’s back in the news… He’s rejected a deal to plead guilty and serve 15 years in the slammer, in the Federal Racketeering and Conspiracy case against him. Instead, he’ll take his chances at trial.
- This is known as the “Guaranteed-Not-To-Fail Blagojevich Legal Maneuver”.
Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley said the Secret Service sex scandal is very serious because for all we know, those Colombian hookers might have been Russian Spies.
- A movie about the whole incident is in the works called “The Spy Who Loved Me… For $30 Bucks”.
- He got the idea when he heard that one of the Colombian hookers had said to a Secret Service agent, “The name’s Bond. Juanita Bond”.
- President Obama said if the prostitutes are Russian spies, he’ll “be better able to deal with them after he’s re-elected.”
The key witness in John Edwards’ trial said that Edwards assured him it was legal to use donated money to support his pregnant mistress, but to him it “felt and smelled wrong”.
- He said the same thing about Edwards’ love child’s diaper.
Glady’s Knight was the latest celebrity to get the boot on last night’s elimination round of Dancing With The Stars.
- After thanking everyone, she immediately boarded a Midnight Train to Georgia.
There’s a troubling new trend among teenagers who are trying to get drunk by drinking hand sanitizer.
- The problem is, when they’re tested for alcohol, all the results come back “clean”.
- My mom used to wash my mouth out with soap and I didn’t even get a buzz!