A Cure For Malaria That Really Stinks!

The Bill Gates Foundation is funding a project to use the smell of stinky socks to prevent malaria. The attraction of mosquitoes to foot odor was discovered by Dutch scientist Dr. Bart Knols, who stood naked in a dark room and examined which part of his body the mosquitoes bit most.  Now a Tanzanian researcher is using a mixture of 8 chemicals that replicates the smell of stinky socks to lure mosquitoes to a trap where they can be poisoned. 

- They call the trap “A Teenage Boys Bedroom”. 

- If the mosquitoes had bitten some other part of the Doctor’s body the most, today we might have a cure for jock itch!  

Credit Where Credit Is Due...

Moody’s investors service, which on Tuesday cut Ireland’s bond rating to junk, warned that it’s watching the stalled debt talks in Washington and is reviewing whether to reduce America’s Triple-A credit rating. 

- America’s got Triple-A?  Hey… we may be broke but at least we’ve got free roadside assistance! 

- Congress is so desparate, some members have actually started corresponding with a nice Nigerian man who keeps sending them e-mails. 

"Got PMS?"

The California Milk Processor Board is under fire for alleged sexism over its latest ad for milk.  Citing a study that suggests that milk eases PMS, the ads encourage suffering men to cope with their hormonally-crazed wives or girlfriends by buying them some milk.  The ads show a man holding a gallon of milk with the headline, “We can both blame myself.”

- When most women heard this story they laughed hysterically… and then started sobbing.  

- Let’s be honest… PMS can make a woman kind of Moo-dy. 

- Women aren’t actually drinking the milk… they’re throwing it at the guys. 

- Men… if you want to make it seem like a romantic gesture, give her chocolate milk. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1789, during the French Revolution, citizens of Paris stormed the Bastille prison and freed the seven prisoners inside.  

- They didn’t really care about the inmates, they were just mad about the government’s plan to raise the retirement age from 62 to 65! 

It Must Be All That Olive Oyl!

Popeye celebrates his 78th Birthday today!  In honor of the occasion, I thought we’d play a bit we did on the air a few years back…  

Popeye’s Big Day 2:16

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Casey Anthony Jury Foreman Says: "They Didn't Have Time..."

I happened to catch the Casey Anthony jury foreman on TV last night and he said they concentrated on the motive and proof of how Caylee died and “they didn’t have time to take Casey’s party behavior after Caylee’s disappearance, under consideration.”  What?!

I think most of us based our opinion that she was guilty, mainly on her “party behavior after Caylee’s disappearance”.  Agree or disagree?  

Dating Costs Hansen Job On Dateline?

“To Catch A Predator” host Chris Hansen’s alleged cheating scandal might have cost him the lead anchor gig at NBC’s “Dateline”.  According to the NY Post, Hansen was set to replace Ann Curry - who left to co-host the “Today Show”.  But after the National Enquirer exposed his alleged affair with 30-year-old TV reporter Kristyn Cadell, the big wigs have decided to pass on Hansen.  

- Instead, because he spent so much time in the kitchen, he’s getting his own cooking show on the Food Network.

- He can always get a job as a window-replacement specialist with benefits:  “Call 1-800-Hansen.  He’ll Get It Done!” 

Kwame Cries Another River...

Kwame Kilpatricks lawyers have appealed a judges order designed to ensure that the proceeds from the former mayor’s upcoming memoir will be used to pay off his restitution. (He still owes the city $860,000).  Attorney David Hajji says that Michigan’s law forbidding criminals from profiting from their misdeeds is unconstitutional. 

- Finally!  Even Kwame’s own lawyer admits he’s a criminal! 

- If his logic holds, we can all buy those “Casey Anthony: World’s Greatest Mom” coffee mugs with a clear conscience. 

BONUS AUDIO:  This seems like a perfect reason to replay a song from my morning show… Coleman and the Colemanette’s Semi-Hitsville tune…

Supercalifragi-Kwame-Pay-Your-Restitution!  

Feds To Seize Your Kids For Eating Too Many Fries?

Two top docs writing in the Journal of the American Medical Association sparked outrage by suggesting that extremely obese children should be taken away from their parents by the government and put in foster care. They say the goal would be to help the whole family and reunite them as soon as possible, but critics says it’s outrageous government intrusion.  

- There are already plans for a new cartoon, “Fat Albert Goes To The Fat Farm”. 

- If the government really wants to help parents out, they should take all children when their born and give them back when they’re potty trained. 

- Years from now, thousands of thin kids will say, “I owe it all to my foster mom, Jenny Craig”.

RIP: "Alice's Creator Doesn't Live Here Anymore"

Sherwood Schwartz, creator of “Gilligan’s Island” and “The Brady Bunch” has died in L.A. at the age of 93.  He believed that TV theme songs should fill viewers-in on the story so he co-wrote both themes that became two of the most famous songs on earth.

- As a tribute to Schwartz, Doctors informed his family of his passing by singing, “Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale… A tale of a guy who’s dead!”

- Schwartz took two very important secrets with him to the grave:  Was Gilligan more that just the Skipper’s “little buddy”?  And who did the Professor really have the hots for… Ginger or Mary Ann?  

- Schwartz’s ashes will be scattered at sea after seven of his closest family members board a boat for a three hour tour.  A three hour tour. 

- His last words were reportedly, “Marcia… Marcia… Marcia…”

BONUS:  Here’s an out take shot from our turn as the cast of Gilligan’s Island from our calendar for Children’s Hospital…

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1865, New York Tribune publisher Horace Greeley advised readers, “Go west, young man, go west” and they did.  

- He stayed East and hired part-time employees to fill their jobs.  

Have a great day… and remember the deadline to nominate your favorite local charity to win thousands of dollars is fast approaching.  It’s a great contest from the people I buy my cars from, The Suburban Collection. Click on any one of their ads for details on their “Great Charity Giveaway!”  See you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Thanks From The Birthday Boy!

Let me start by thanking all of you for the birthday wishes you sent me yesterday!  Turning “forty” isn’t easy… but your kind words really helped! And a special thanks to my wife Gail and my six daughters who took me out for a fabulous dinner at Chuck E. Cheese! And now… on with the news! 

The Big Switcharoo: Men Love Cuddling, Women Love Sex!

Surprise!  A new study by out of the University of Indiana found that among couples who’ve been together an average of 25 years, CUDDLING is more important to men, and SEX is more important to women!  They surveyed 1000 couples in five nations and found that men who said there was a lot of kissing and cuddling were 3X more likely to be happy in the relationship, while kissing and cuddling made no difference to the women. But the longer the women were with their partner, the more likely they were to enjoy sex. Researchers believe it may be because “the kids are out of the house or their expectations have changed”.

- In this case “changed” means “dramatically lowered”.

- I think it’s because it’s a lot easier for a guy to watch football while he’s cuddling than when he’s scoring!

Nazi's Nuts For French Hookers!

Researcher Graeme Donald has unearthed evidence that Adolph Hitler ordered blow-up sex dolls for Nazi troops. The project began in 1940 after SS chief Heinrich Himmler wrote that the greatest danger to German soldiers in Paris was rampant VD from French Hookers.  So they developed blond, blue-eyed “gynoid” dolls also called “synthetic comforters” that could fit in a backpack.  But the project was yanked when most German soldiers refused to carry the dolls for fear of embarrassment if they were captured. 

- They referred to the day the project was halted as “VD-Day”. 

- When Hitler heard the soldiers wouldn’t carry the dolls, he was Fuhrer-ious!

- So it turns out when Churchill said, “Never have so many, owed so much, to so few” he was talking about French Hookers who hadn’t been paid.    

- Hitler kept one of the dolls hidden in the bunker for the nights Eva Braun “wasn’t in the mood”. 

Obama Needs To Mind His "Peas" and Q's

President Obama’s speech on the economy yesterday upset the pea farmers of America because he compared paying higher taxes to Americans having to “eat our peas”.  A spokesman for the White House immediately responded that Obama was not saying that peas are hard to swallow like taxes, but that they are healthy and good for us. 

- They were afraid the farmers would give the President a peas of their minds! 

- Peas go great with all the pork politicians are always attaching to bills.

- If he wants Republican support, the President is going to have to stop talking about peas, and dangle some kind of carrot! 

Oh BABY!

Friday in Longview, Texas Janet Johnson gave birth to a baby boy named JaMicheal who weighed 16 pounds one ounce.  He’s not the biggest baby ever - a 23 pound, 12 ouncer born in Ohio in 1879 - but he might be the biggest ever in Texas.  Janet was still recuperating in the hospital Monday, but said she hopes to get home this week and return the baby clothes she bought that won’t fit…  

- … and then kill her husband.

- Janet said “If you think I’m going to get prenant again, you are Sorely mistaken!”

- On the bright side, the kid is already potty trained.  

- When he was finally delivered, the doctor announced, “It’s a boy!  It’s a boy!  It’s a boy”.  Of course the last two times were just an echo.

- The birth certificate reads that the baby was born on July 6th, 7th and 8th!

Banana Splits After Monkey Business...

The mascot of the Wireless Center in Strongsville, Ohio was outside the store, passing out flyers in a gorilla costume, when suddenly, someone dressed as a banana leapt from the bushes, made a flying tackle, knocking the gorilla to the ground, then fled on foot.  The gorilla wasn’t injured, just embarrassed.  Police were unable to locate the banana. 

- But they do believe  the banana may be suffering from split personality disorder. 

- Police are looking for the culprit and are interviewing all women in the area named Chiquita.   

- This is just the latest in a “bunch” of similar attacks. 

- The gorilla told the cops that the banana had no distinguishing marks or tatoos… but did have a few bruises.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1854, in Waterville, New York, George Eastman was born. He invented the Kodak camera, which allowed Americans to take their own snapshots.  

- Before that, people had to bore their friends with pencil sketches of their kids.

- The very next day, Congressman Anthony Weiner the First bought a camera so he no longer had to send drawings of himself to his constituents!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Deal Or No Deal? Call Howie Mandel!

I’m back!  After a special “Best-Of” 4th of July Holiday week… it’s time to climb back into the saddle and take a look at what’s been happening…

Friday, the Labor Department reported that the economy created only 18,000 jobs in June, and the unemployment rate rose again, to 9.2%. President Obama blamed it on the economy facing “headwinds” like natural disasters, and employers being worried that Congress won’t increase the debt ceiling. 

- If the economy doesn’t improve soon… I can think of ONE job that might become available in November of 2012. 

- Congress says they won’t raise the debt ceiling, but are considering putting in a sky light.  

The One Person Betty Ford Couldn't Help...

Former First Lady Betty Ford passed away Friday at 93.  She helped thousands battle and overcome addiction with her “Betty Ford Clinic”… but apparently there was one person she couldn’t help.  Actor Peter Lawford once checked into her clinic to get sober.  But on the way, he allegedly drank every tiny bottle of vodka on the plane. After he was released, Lawford’s wife found out that during his walks in the desert behind the clinic, he’d have a helicopter deliver cocaine to him. 

- This explains why Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan were seen at several LA Helicopter Dealerships over the weekend! 

- Apparently Peter Lawford was good at learning his lines, and even better at DOING his lines.