Charlie Sheen's New "World Tour"...

Not to rub salt in the wound, but Charlie Sheen has had to deal with the rumors of his TV characters “untimely” death alone.  TMZ reports that his last remaining “Goddess” Natalie Kenly moved out of Sheen’s mansion last week.  They report the actor DEMANDED that she return the Mercedes he bought her, then nursed his broken heart by declaring war on the whole world, “conquering” three women from three different countries, Mexico, Australia and Colombia the very night Kenly walked out. 

- Hmmm… a girl from Colombia.  I could be wrong but I heard they have a lot of Cocaine down there! 

- Charlie Sheen is exactly like Hugh Hefner - except for the insanity part. 

- The “Goddess” reportedly left after receiving a very special tweet from a “Mr. A. Weiner”.  

Supreme Court Gives Thumbs Up To Violence For Kids!

Monday, the Supreme Court voted 7-2 to allow the sale of violent video games to children because it violates free speech.  The two dissenters, Clarence Thomas and Stephen Breyer, said the ruling makes no sense because the court allows states to bar the sale of porn videos to kids. But they can only prevent them from virtually binding, torturing and killing a woman in a video game if she’s topless. 

- Coming soon… a totally different version of the “Pokemon” series!

- So in the interest of protecting children, the Justices will only allow adults to play “Really, Really, Really, Angry Birds with No Tops On.”

- In line with their reasoning, a 6-year-old can play “Grand Theft Auto” as long as they’re not stealing cars with the top down!

A Violation Of Her Rights? That Depends...

The TSA is refuting accusations that they forced a frail, 95-year-old to get out of her wheelchair at a Florida airport for a full body search, including her adult diaper when they found a lump around her leg they couldn’t identify. Upon inspection, TSA agents found it “wet and firm”, then allowed the woman to board. Unfortunately, the woman didn’t have a spare, so the 95 year old had to fly “Diaperless”. 

- The woman admitted she wasn’t that upset with the full-body inspection, saying she “hadn’t seen that much action since her huband died back in the 70’s”. 

- Despite the lack of a diaper, she said the flight crew “pampered” her throughout the flight. 

- So a 20 something man with a bomb in his underpants can make it on a flight from the Middle East to Detroit undetected, but a 95-year-old can’t fly out of Florida in a diaper?  You’re government at work! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1939, Pan Am’s “Dixie Clipper” began the first regular transatlantic flights between New York and Portugal.  The flight took almost 24 hours, so the plane had a dining room, a bar, dressing rooms and a bridal suite. 

- The bridal suite was there for people who had really hit it off after joining the mile-high club. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Sunday, Bloody Good Sunday!

U2 and Bono performed to 65,000 fans at Spartan Stadium in East Lansing last night.  

- In a tribute to “Spiderman: The Musical”, a man dressed in a Spiderman costume, fell onto the stage from a high wire on the top of the set and had to be taken to the hospital.    

- The guy who scheduled the music on my radio show was at the concert… he was the one who kept yelling at Bono, “Where’s Cher?”

"If You Can Get Married There... You Can Get Married Anywhere!"

Friday, the New York legislature approved gay marriage. The vote was hailed by celebrities sucy as Neil Patrick Harris, who said he would now marry his male partner in NYC and by caterers, wedding planners, china retailers and others in Manhattan’s wedding industry.  They’re anticipating a tidal wave of extravagant gay weddings. 

- Seamstresses are going crazy trying to crank out sets of “His” and “His” towels!

- In addition to announcing his upcoming nuptials, Neil Patrick Harris admitted that he suffers from erectile dysfunction leading to a new reality show:  “Doogie Howser: ED”.

- The reaction was immediate among Lesbians, too.  With hundreds of women yelling, “SHE went to Jared!”

"Underwear That's Fun To Share!"

Yi-Ci, a motion picture arts tudinet in Wuhan, China, posted a notice in her school’s dorm that she was seeking donations of old panties for her new artwork.  She received several hundred pairps and used them to create an artwork made entirely of used panties, called “Privacy”. 

- She got 50 pair alone from a “Mr. A. Weiner” of New York.

- Britney Spears promised to donate but couldn’t find a single pair that she’d actually worn.

Washington Is Inhaling More Than Just Car Exhaust...

The White House informed Detroit’s Big Three Automakers that the government is considering boosting fuel economy requirements to 56 miles per gallon by 2025.  

- I thought the White House was a non-hallucinogenic zone?  

- Actually it won’t be that difficult because given the state of the economy, by then we’ll all be driving soap box derby cars!

Carol Brady's "Bunch" of STD's!

In a new memoir, “Life is Not a Stage,” “Brady Bunch ” mom Florence Henderson recounts her life in showbiz. But the story grabbing the headlines is her admission that in the 1960’s, she cheated on her husband and had a one-night-stand with New York’s playboy Mayor John Lindsay.  She said she knew it was wrong… expecially when she got home the next day and found out he’d given her crabs.  BTW… Lindsay sent her a note of apology and some flowers.  

- “Sam the Butcher” may have given “Alice the Maid” meat on The Brady Bunch, but he stayed away from seafood! 

- Florence says she’s been “itching to tell the story for years”.  

RIP Peter Falk...

Peter Falk died last Friday at the age of 83 of Alzheimer’s Disease.  Two things:  One… I think the movie “The In-Laws”, starring Peter Falk and Alan Arkin is one of the funniest movies of all time!  And two… Back during the hey-day of “Columbo” a listener called me on the air one day and asked me what kind of car Columbo drove.  I didn’t know, so I waited until 10am (7am Hollywood time) and called out to Universal Studios and they connected me to the Columbo offices. And who picked up the phone?  None other than Peter Falk himself. He was as polite in person as he always was on the show as Columbo with all of his “Sirs”, “Yes, m’am’s” and “I beg your pardons”.  A true gentlemen.  He seemed thrilled in our interest in the car, and told me that he (Columbo) drove a French Peugeot that he (Peter) had actually picked out himself at a used car lot in LA. I Just wish I had had the chance to say to him… “Just one more thing…”

Below is a a scene from the show that sort of sums up “The Columbo Style”.  Enjoy.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

April, May AND June Showers? Enough Already!

Well, T.G.I.F. to one and all!  So, what did YOU think of this first week of summer?  Me?  I say @#$&!  Come on, we’re just days away from July 4th, hey, summer solstice, cut us some slack and some sunshine already!  Actually the weekend forecast looks pretty good, so enjoy it while you can. I’m so excited about the weather that in lieu of my usual Friday blog, I’m going to cover myself in # 500 sunscreen, relax, sit back and share a few moments from our Purtan’s People Past with you.  (I’m not confident enough to call it a “Best Of”, but I think you’ll enjoy listening just the same)  That being said…

Don’t look now, but the 2012 elections are just 17 months away!  Good news for the lawn sign making printers!  Actually, the 2012 Vote has been in the headlines lately, especially on the Republican side, as potential candidates jockey for position.  In that spirit, we thought we’d bring you this conversation with our former morning show political analyst, Dave Peterson, himself a failed candidate for every imaginable office - from president to drain commissioner.

Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Dave Peterson!  Click below and let the fun begin…

“Dave Peterson”

Have a safe, fun and hopefully sunny weekend everyone and we’ll see you right back here on Monday!

Dick

OMG! Rumor Has It OJ To Spill Beans To The Big "O"!

Rumors are running rampant that O.J. Simpson is set to confess to Oprah that he killed his wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman!  Sources say that O.J. has already told one of Oprah’s producers that he killed Nicole “in self defense” and that a jailhouse interview will air on Oprah’s new OWN Network in the very near future.  The ratings for OWN have been less than stellar and Oprah recently said that getting a confession from The Juice would be her “Dream Interview”. 

- And afterwards, she’ll give all the inmates in the audience a pair of gloves and a set of steak knives! 

- Some say it’s just a ploy to get viewers as in, “If the ratings are a mess… You must get OJ to confess!”

- Why would O.J. risk going to prison?  Oh, wait, he’s already in prison for the next 33 years!

Harry Gaga Over Pippa!

Kate may not be the only Middleton romantically involved with a Royal! Turns out her sister Pippa, who turned heads around the world with her white, sexy, body-hugging Maid of Honor dress at the big wedding, is reportedly dating none other than Prince Harry. The two allegedly hit it off at the nuptials and inside sources say Prince Harry told Pippa, “Call me!” 

- So apparently, “Love is in the Heir!”

- Only a Royal would be lucky enough to ask, “Does she have a sister?” and actually get “Yes!” for an answer. 

- With Harry’s penchant for wearing Nazi garb, I just hope Pippa doesn’t mind dressing up like Eva Braun and playing “Hunker in the Bunker”. 

Al Gore Sez "Do As I Say... Not As I Do!"

Al Gore has a new idea for fighting global warming.  He was accused of hypocrisy because he preached austerity while living in a mansion and traveling in private jets and fleets of gas-guzzling SUV’s.  He also warned of rising oceans swallowing the coastlines, then bought a $9 million house on a beach.  So now he’s taking a new tact:  He claims the only way to save the planet is to have fewer people, so he wants to promote birth control and urge couples to have no more than two children.  BTW… Gore has four kids. 

- He’s taken a lot of heat for his ideas… but of course he just blames it on global warming. 

- Do you realize if he hadn’t invented the internet, you wouldn’t be reading this right now? 

- Gore’s so serious about this, he’s making a new documentary promoting birth control called, “An Inconvenient Condom”. 

- The most effective form of birth control?  Thinking about Al Gore having sex. 

Pilot Disappointed in Plane's "Tail Section"...

A Southwest Airlines pilot is back at work after being suspended without pay when his microphone button got stuck. Air Traffic Controllers, other pilots, passengers and the mortified flight crew had to listen to his obscenity-laced rant about how the Southwest flight attendants were all old, gay, or so fat and ugly he wouldn’t want anyone to know he’d “banged” them.  He said Houston is the worst base with nothing but old guys and grannies.  But now he’s back in to cockpit after undergoing “sensitivity and diversity training”. 

- After his sensitivity training, he vowed he’d learned his lesson and from now on he’ll make sure his microphone is off! 

- Notice he said he wouldn’t want anyone to KNOW he “banged ‘em”.  He didn’t say he didn’t do it…

- I hope he never gets a job with Virgin Airlines or the plane will never even get off the ground!

- The flight attendants he slept with said he didn’t have too much to brag about… they said he had a really small carry-on and was known for his “early arrivals”. 

Attention Ladies: Your Mountains May Become Molehills!

Yesterday, the FDA warned women that silicone breast implants will probably not last a lifetime, and if they get them, they might have to be replaced within 10 years.  

- Another reason I’m glad I have man-boobs.  They’re mine forever!  

- This is why it’s always smarter to lease your implants instead of buying them.  

- So men aren’t the only ones who suffer from “shrinkage”! 

- When Heidi Montag heard, she said she felt “deflated”.  

- On the bright side, that Tramp Stamp you got when you were eighteen will stay in mint condition for you to show off to your grandkids! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1776, the final draft of the Declaration of Independence was submitted to Congress.  

- It would have been submitted earlier but they’d been distracted by the Ben Franklin scandal.  He’d been caught sending quill pen drawings of his “lightning rod” to Betsy Ross.    

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Stenographer Corrects Mistake: Gives Obama The Clap.

Yesterday, the White House relesed a transcipt of President Obama’s speech at a DNC fundraiser, and after he said, “Over the last 15 months, we’ve created over 2.1 million private sector jobs,” the stenographer put the word “Laughter” in parentheses.  They soon rushed out a corrected transcript that change “Laughter” to “Applause”. 

- And announced that they were about to create one more new job… a new stenograhper! 

- The one laughing, uh, I mean applauding the hardest was Joe Biden. And then he fell asleep. 

Another Clinton Intern Gone Wild!

The New York Post reports that a former intern to Hillary Rodham Clinton has found a new career:  Porn Star. After Samantha Koithan finished her summer internship with Sen. Clinton in Buffalo, she married a rock musician and moved to Vegas.  She had planned on a career in public service, but had a change of heart and is now known as “Sammie Spades”, star of such adult films as “Big Butts Like It #8” and “White Bubble Butts 4”. 

- Who says she’s not still pursuing a career in public service?  

- She may have worked for Hillary… but it sounds like Bill really took her under his “West Wing”.  

- FYI - She took over the lead in the “White Bubble Butt” series from Kim Karsashian who starred in 1,2, & 3.  

- So I guess Bill isn’t the only Clinton who has a way of turning internships into successful careers! 

- The only difference between the Clintons is Bill has sex with his interns, and Hillary’s interns go on to have sex with lots of other people.  

- Rumor has it that the porn company wanted Hillary to star in “Girls In Pantsuits Gone Wild!” but she turned them down. 

Other Memoir's "Palin" Comparison...

Bristol Palin’s memoir, “Not Afraid of Life:  My Journey So Far” comes out Friday and the 20-year-old really speaks her mind.  She reportedly snipes about how vain and annoying John McCains wife and daughter are and how rude the other contestants on DWTS were to her.  But she really comes down hard on her baby daddy, Levi Johnston. She calls him a “gnat” who was unsupportive during her pregnancy, cheated on her as “often as he sharpened his hockey skates” and refused to cut the cord at his own son’s birth because it was too gross, even though he can “field dress a moose with one arm tied behind his back”.  

- Rumor has it he also got her pregnant with one arm tied behind his back! 

- Sarah Palin actually cut the umbilical cord with both arms tied behind her back, using a swiss army knife clenched in her teeth.  Then she strapped Bristol and the baby on roof of her car and drove them home.