Al Gore Sez "Do As I Say... Not As I Do!"

Al Gore has a new idea for fighting global warming.  He was accused of hypocrisy because he preached austerity while living in a mansion and traveling in private jets and fleets of gas-guzzling SUV’s.  He also warned of rising oceans swallowing the coastlines, then bought a $9 million house on a beach.  So now he’s taking a new tact:  He claims the only way to save the planet is to have fewer people, so he wants to promote birth control and urge couples to have no more than two children.  BTW… Gore has four kids. 

- He’s taken a lot of heat for his ideas… but of course he just blames it on global warming. 

- Do you realize if he hadn’t invented the internet, you wouldn’t be reading this right now? 

- Gore’s so serious about this, he’s making a new documentary promoting birth control called, “An Inconvenient Condom”. 

- The most effective form of birth control?  Thinking about Al Gore having sex. 

Pilot Disappointed in Plane's "Tail Section"...

A Southwest Airlines pilot is back at work after being suspended without pay when his microphone button got stuck. Air Traffic Controllers, other pilots, passengers and the mortified flight crew had to listen to his obscenity-laced rant about how the Southwest flight attendants were all old, gay, or so fat and ugly he wouldn’t want anyone to know he’d “banged” them.  He said Houston is the worst base with nothing but old guys and grannies.  But now he’s back in to cockpit after undergoing “sensitivity and diversity training”. 

- After his sensitivity training, he vowed he’d learned his lesson and from now on he’ll make sure his microphone is off! 

- Notice he said he wouldn’t want anyone to KNOW he “banged ‘em”.  He didn’t say he didn’t do it…

- I hope he never gets a job with Virgin Airlines or the plane will never even get off the ground!

- The flight attendants he slept with said he didn’t have too much to brag about… they said he had a really small carry-on and was known for his “early arrivals”. 

Attention Ladies: Your Mountains May Become Molehills!

Yesterday, the FDA warned women that silicone breast implants will probably not last a lifetime, and if they get them, they might have to be replaced within 10 years.  

- Another reason I’m glad I have man-boobs.  They’re mine forever!  

- This is why it’s always smarter to lease your implants instead of buying them.  

- So men aren’t the only ones who suffer from “shrinkage”! 

- When Heidi Montag heard, she said she felt “deflated”.  

- On the bright side, that Tramp Stamp you got when you were eighteen will stay in mint condition for you to show off to your grandkids! 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1776, the final draft of the Declaration of Independence was submitted to Congress.  

- It would have been submitted earlier but they’d been distracted by the Ben Franklin scandal.  He’d been caught sending quill pen drawings of his “lightning rod” to Betsy Ross.    

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Stenographer Corrects Mistake: Gives Obama The Clap.

Yesterday, the White House relesed a transcipt of President Obama’s speech at a DNC fundraiser, and after he said, “Over the last 15 months, we’ve created over 2.1 million private sector jobs,” the stenographer put the word “Laughter” in parentheses.  They soon rushed out a corrected transcript that change “Laughter” to “Applause”. 

- And announced that they were about to create one more new job… a new stenograhper! 

- The one laughing, uh, I mean applauding the hardest was Joe Biden. And then he fell asleep. 

Another Clinton Intern Gone Wild!

The New York Post reports that a former intern to Hillary Rodham Clinton has found a new career:  Porn Star. After Samantha Koithan finished her summer internship with Sen. Clinton in Buffalo, she married a rock musician and moved to Vegas.  She had planned on a career in public service, but had a change of heart and is now known as “Sammie Spades”, star of such adult films as “Big Butts Like It #8” and “White Bubble Butts 4”. 

- Who says she’s not still pursuing a career in public service?  

- She may have worked for Hillary… but it sounds like Bill really took her under his “West Wing”.  

- FYI - She took over the lead in the “White Bubble Butt” series from Kim Karsashian who starred in 1,2, & 3.  

- So I guess Bill isn’t the only Clinton who has a way of turning internships into successful careers! 

- The only difference between the Clintons is Bill has sex with his interns, and Hillary’s interns go on to have sex with lots of other people.  

- Rumor has it that the porn company wanted Hillary to star in “Girls In Pantsuits Gone Wild!” but she turned them down. 

Other Memoir's "Palin" Comparison...

Bristol Palin’s memoir, “Not Afraid of Life:  My Journey So Far” comes out Friday and the 20-year-old really speaks her mind.  She reportedly snipes about how vain and annoying John McCains wife and daughter are and how rude the other contestants on DWTS were to her.  But she really comes down hard on her baby daddy, Levi Johnston. She calls him a “gnat” who was unsupportive during her pregnancy, cheated on her as “often as he sharpened his hockey skates” and refused to cut the cord at his own son’s birth because it was too gross, even though he can “field dress a moose with one arm tied behind his back”.  

- Rumor has it he also got her pregnant with one arm tied behind his back! 

- Sarah Palin actually cut the umbilical cord with both arms tied behind her back, using a swiss army knife clenched in her teeth.  Then she strapped Bristol and the baby on roof of her car and drove them home.  

FakeTV Is Now A Reality!

Hydreon Corp. of Eden Prairie, Minnesota , has invented a device that they claim will discourage burglars from breaking into your home.  It’s called FakeTV and it sells for $35 dollars at www.faketv.com.  It simulates the flickering light from a TV as scenes change and people move.  They say when burglars see that through the window, they’ll assume someone is home and move on.  

- Or you could just leave your real TV on and save $35 bucks.  

- If only MacCauley Culkin had this during the making the “Home Alone”!  It would have saved him a whole lot of trouble!  

- If you really want to discourage burglars, just leave your TV on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey”. Those women would scare Charles Manson away.  

Bush No Longer Afraid Of Dark!

Former President George W. Bush was among hundreds of Texas Rangers fans who helped set a new Guinness World Record on Tuesday night for the most people wearing sunglasses in the dark.  While most of the 33,533 people who attended the game (against our own Tigers!) wore shades, the mark to beat was 423 so Guinness officials only counted two sections, including the one where the former Prez. was sitting.  They even put Bush up on the Jumbotron. 

- After officials announced that the record had been broken Bush stood up and told the crowd, “Mission Accomplished!” 

- Bush also said that being “the record breaker-er is hard work!  It really is!” 

- Carlita Kilpatrick, who lives near the Bushes was also at the game… working as a “bat girl”.  

Fundraisers: No Newt is Good Newt!

Newt Gingrich’s candidacy has taken another blow.  Sixteen senior aides resigned earlier this month, and Tuesday, his top two fundraisers quit.  His campaign is reportedly $1 million in debt, but analysts say he can fund the campaign out of his own pocket until he can hire more fundraisers.  He’s made lots of money from books and speaking, and his financial disclosure statement revealed that he and his wife not only had a $500,000 line of credit at Tiffany’s, they had a second line up to $1,000,000.  But both now have a zero balance and are closed.  

- Newt’s former wife is in disbelief… She thought he had a $1.5 million dollar line of credit at Weight Watchers!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1910, Count Zeppelin started the first airship pasenger service.  He offered zeppelin trips from Friedrichshafen to Dusseldorf, a distance of 300 miles.  

- Witnesses reported that it was a very muggy day and passengers kept yelling, “Oh! The Humidity!”

 Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Kwame's Got The Summertime Blues...

It’s June 21st… and Summer officially arrives at 1:16 this afternoon! Today is also the longest day of the year, with the most minutes from sunrise to sunset.  That will give Kwame Kilpatrick plenty of time to lick his latest wounds…

Monday, Judge David Groner blocked his dishoner - and anyone else connected to him - from receiving a single cent from the sale of Kwame’s upcoming memoir until the $860,000 he still owes the city is paid back. If buying this book sounds like a good idea to you, you can pre-order: “Surrendered: The Rise, Fall & Revelation of Kwame Kilpatrick” for just $26.95 @ www.kwamekilpatrickbook.com.  It’s set to ship in late July.  

- Ironically most of the people who will shell out $26.95 for the book are the same ones he ripped off in the first place.  

- The judge also ruled that any library that carries the alleged “tell all” memoir put it in the “Fiction” aisle.

- One literary critic said, “If you only read one book this summer… DON’T make it this one!”

Obama Just Twittering His Thumbs?

Sunday, President Obama became the first President to tweet while in office.  The White House already has a Twitter account, but this was his first personal tweet.  It read, “Being a father is sometimes my hardest but always my most rewarding job. Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there. -BO”.  Followers are told that all Tweets are from staffers unless they end with “BO”, then you know Obama wrote them himself. 

- I thought JFK was the first president to tweet in the White House!

- Apparently Obama saw how much fun Anthony Weiner had with his Twitter account and decided to join the fun. 

- Obama now has another official title:  “Commander-in-Tweets”. 

U... U-G-L-Y. You Ain't Got No Alibi. You're Ugly!!!

The dating website for hotties, BeautifulPeople.com was hit with what’s been dubbed a “Shrek” virus last month and allowed 30,000 people to join who were not up to the site’s high standards for attractiveness.  As director Greg Hodge put it, many the new members were “no oil painting”.  Web masters have since notified the “unfortunate” new members that they were being dumped.  Hodge expressed “sincere regret,” and said “it must be a bitter pill to swallow, but better to have had a slice of heaven than never to have tasted it at all.”

- He then went back to staring at himself in the mirror!

- They also offered the rejects a free one month membership in their sister website “e-HitWithAnUglyStick.com”. 

- If the “acceptable” members are so beautiful, how come they have to join an on-line dating service?

- A complaint has been filed with the Better Business Bureau by a “Mr. B. A. Muskovito”.

- The “unattractive people” may not have been “oil paintings” but I bet the “beautiful people” were all photo-shopped.

When He Says "Roll Over", He Means It!

Peter Bower of Shelby, Ohio is facing two counts of animal cruelty for allegedly having sexual relations with three dogs and “possibly a horse”.Police say Bower advertises dog walking and sitting services, and at his home, they found signs that read “Pets Welcomed”, a book on beastiality called “Dearest Pet”, and a plastic inflatable sheep.  

- He met the dogs on BeautifulPeople.com during the computer glitch. 

- They also found a sign reading, “Heavy Petting Zoo”.

- As is standard in these cases, Police fingerprinted him, then took his Pug Shot. 

- He claims the dogs were, “Man’s Best Friend… With Benefits.”

- Apparently he needed the sheep for when the dogs were at the groomer.  

- The dogs weren’t even very attractive… in fact one was a real schnauzer! 

- Who among us hasn’t had a case of “Puppy Love”???

Hospital Jell-O Shots?

Doctors in Australia became alarmed when an alcohol-related gastritis patient became drowsy for no apparent reason.  Then his nurses noticed the hand-sanitizer bottles in his room were empty.  The patient admitted drinking six 12.7 ounce bottles of alcohol-based hand sanitizer.  Doctors were stunned:  They say the gel is 66 percent ethenol and tastes “horrendous”.  

- Not as horrendous as the hospital food, but it’s still pretty nasty. 

- Pretty soon they’ll be pulling people over for driving with open bottles of “Purell” in their cars. 

- The patient said he was trying to drink away the memory of a story he’d just read about a guy having sex with three dogs and “possibly a horse”.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1948, Dr. Peter Goldmark of CBS Laboratories demonstrated the first successful, long-playing record.  Before that, records could only hold one song on each side. 

- The very next day, Disc Jockey’s across the country actually got to go to the bathroom during their shift. 

- Of course these days, kids think an LP is a new app for their iPhone.  

 Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

Both Golf Game And Debt Limit Over Par

Saturday, President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner had their “Golf Summit”.  So it wouldn’t be Democrats vs. Republicans, the duo teamed up against Joe Biden and Ohio Governor John Kasich. Obama and Boehner didn’t reach any agreement on the deficit or the debt limit, but they did win the golf game, winning $2 bucks each from the losers. 

- Everytime Obama yelled “Fore!”, Joe Biden yelled “…more years!”

- They were going to ask former Rep. Anthony Weiner to play, but they thought he would spend all his time taking pictures of his putter. 

- Ironically, all of Obama’s drives went to the left, and Boehners went to the right. 

- The game took so long that next time they’re going to play miniature golf and each one will take a turn as the clown’s mouth.  

Trailer Trash-ed

Idaho State Senator John McGee, who was named Idaho GOP Legislator of the Year and Young Republican of the Year in 2006, spent Father’s day in jail after he was arrested for DUI and suspicion of felony grand theft. Police say that after a night of drinking at a golf course clubhouse, he tried to drive off in an SUV with a 20-ft. trailer that he took from the home of a complete stranger after he found it unlocked with the keys in the ignition. 

- Because he’s a Republican, the cops called it “Driving Under the Influence of Big Business”. 

- Why’d he do it?  Idano!

- In his defense, he did make sure he stole an American car.

Dumped Hefner Seeing Double... Again!

How do you get over being dumped just days before your wedding?  By inviting your blonde twin ex-girlfriends to move back in with you!  Yep, Hugh Hefner spent Saturday, what would have been his wedding day, with sisters Karissa and Kristina Shannon.  Meanwhile his ex-fiance, Crystal Harris told ET that she broke up with Hef partly because of the other women, but also because she couldn’t handle his strict rules.  Among them: 9pm curfews, and home by 6pm on Friday, Saturday and Sunday for “movie nights”.  

- This weekend Hef held a “Runaway Bride” movie marathon!

- Instead of the two old girlfriends Hef wanted to get a new one, but because he was getting married, he’d let his membership to e-Harmony.com expire.  

- I’m amazed he didn’t want her home by 5pm instead of 6 so he could get a deal on the “Early Bird Dinner”!

- Hef says he’s committed to Karissa and Kristina and promises to be “Twin-ogomous”.