The Cowsills Get Passed Over Again!

The other night in New York, Detroit’s own Alice Cooper was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, along with Darlene Love, Neil Diamond, Dr. John, and Leon Russell.  Alice shocked the audience by appearing on stage in a blood spattered shirt with a live boa constrictor around his neck…

- The shirt was from the “Moammar Gadhafi Collection”.

- After spending years working with Phil Spector, Darlene Love said she was just happy to be alive! 

- Neil Diamond’s ego received a special “Lifetime Achievement Award”. 

Trump a Chump?

In a rather bizarre interview with “Human Events”, Donald Trump said he admired Saddam Hussein’s terrorism policy. He said, “Whether you like Saddam Hussein or not, and I don’t - he was a bad guy - but he used to shoot terrorists, he used to kill them.  He didn’t give them a trial like in this country… he used to shoot terrrorists and kill them”. 

- The Donald likes to fire people and Saddam liked to fire at them.  

- Trump also admired Saddam because he had thicker hair.

- When asked by a reporter if he was going to run for President, Trump took a cue from Saddam and said, “I’ll leave you hangin’!”

A Latin Leecher!

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has an interesting defense against charges that he’s been holding orgies and had sex with more than thirty women - including at least one minor:  He’s too old.  The 74 year old Berlusconi told a leftist newspaper (that has called for his resignation) that “even though I am a little brat… 33 girls in two months seems like too much even for a 30 year old!” 

- 33 women in two months?  Maybe that’s why one of his “girls” refers to him as “The Leaning Tower of Pisa”. 

- He’s been around a long time… this could finally explain that little smile on the “Mona Lisa”.  

The U.S. Treasury... CHEST!

With tax time just around the corner, there are some examples of what will and won’t fly when it comes to deductions:  A woman in Texas tried to claim a $1036 rebate as depreciation on her pet emu, a Pennsylvania furniture store owner tried to deduct an arsonist’s fee as a business service, and another guy tried to deduct $65,934 for prostitutes as a “medical expense”. 

- The medical expenses usually come after you’ve been with a prostitute.   

- So the furniture store owner pays a guy to torch his showroom and that’s NOT considered a business expense?  He should at least get a credit for creating a job!  

What kind of thing does the IRS allow?  They agreed to let stripper “Chesty Love” deduct the cost of her 56EE breast implants.  They said her “freakishly large breasts” were part of a costume that’s “useful only in her business”. 

- They did agree, however, that she could no longer be considered a “small business owner”. 

- She’s so huge, she’s got a 401-KK.

- Now every IRS agent in the country is trying to get their hands on her W-2’s. 

- She later went on a reality show with Charlie Sheen called “America’s Biggest Boobs”… she came in second.  

Do You Have Anything In An Open-Toed Hoof?

The hottest fashion item at this year’s Cheltenham Festival horse race in England is a pair of designer shoes that make a woman look as if she has horse’s hooves.  Touted as the perfect shoes for a day at the races, the $2000 shoes come in knee-high or ankle-high styles with realistic-looking imitation hooves and up 5,000 horsehairs on the legs.  One model said they’re really comfortable and make you feel like “galloping down the catwalk”.  

- Of course if you fall and break your leg, they immediately take you out back and shoot you. 

- The shoes were allegedly inspired by a photograph of Camilla Parker Bowles walking barefoot. 

- The only problem is, you have to buy them in sets of four. 

- At $2000 a pop, you’re gonna have to pony up a lot of cash! 

- Finally ladies!  The perfect shoe to match your saddlebags!

The Nutty Octogenarian

Today is a National Holiday in France…  

It’s Jerry Lewis’s birthday!  He’s 85.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

-Dick

How To Make A Difference In Japan

If you would like to help the victims in Japan, text either the word “quake” or the word “Japan” to 80888 to donate $10 to the Salvation Army;  Call 1-800-SAL-ARMY, or visit www.salvationarmyusa.org.  

What Was He Thinking?

Aflac insurance has fired comedian Gilbert Gottfried, the longtime voice of the Aflac duck after he released a series of unbelievably tasteless Tweets following the tragedy in Japan.  (It turns out Japan is Aflac’s biggest market)  Just how tasteless were they?  Read for yourself.  

- I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent. I said “is there a school in this area.” She said “not now, but just wait.”
- Japan is really advanced. They don’t go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
- What do the japanese have in common with @howardstern? They’re both radio active.
- Japan had put out this urgent plea….” PLEASE SEND US A FEW BIlLION RUBBER DUCKIES!!!!!”
- Japan called me. They said “maybe those jokes are a hit in the US, but over here, they’re all sinking.”
- What does every Japanese person have in their apartment? Flood lights.
- My Japanese doctor advised me to stay healthy I need 50 million gallons of water a day.
- I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”

NOTE:  Sounds like he’s auditioning for a slot in Charlie Sheen’s upcoming show at the Fox! 

Is It In The Self-Help Section?

One of the most popular books on Amazon.com right now is 200 pages long, and all of them are blank.  It’s a gag gift book with the title, “What Every Man Thinks About, Apart From Sex.” “Author” Sheridan Simove said it took just nine days from idea to finished book and he’s proud to be a best selling author.  His blank book sold out its first print run, passing “The DaVinci Code” and one of the “Harry Potter” books on the sales charts. He says he’s thinking of penning a follow-up called “Reasons to Trust Politicians”. 

- Big Al is such an avid reader, he finished the sex book in less than a week!

- It’s a great bathroom book… in case you run out of toilet paper.

- I haven’t read it yet so please don’t tell me how it ends! 

Pot-For-He?

Health officials in both California and Colorado report that even though health problems that can be helped by marijuana strike men and women equally, over 70% of customers at prescription pot dispensaries are men. One dispensary owner said it might be that women feel scared or uncomfortable with the concept of buying pot.  

- I would have expected the percentage to be “higher”.  

- Maybe the women just put “Buy pot” on their Honey-Do lists. 

- Men have no trouble buying pot, but ask them to pick up a box of “feminine hygiene products” and they sweat bullets.

"I Know My A-B-C's... and I Wear a B-R-A!"

In the latest furor over sexualizing young girls, a British clothing store chain is under fire for selling padded bras for girls as young as 8.  The bras are described as “lightly padded for support,” but critics say they’re designed to make little girls look like they have a developed bosom.  

- That way the 8 year old boys don’t have to just ogle their teacher anymore.  (Like we all did!)

The store also offers white lace lingerie-style bra and panty sets and denim hot pants in the section for girls “3 to 13”. 

- Coming soon:  New Pamper’s Thongs!  

- In the stores defense, at least the lacy bras are white.  An eight year old in a black bra would be so tacky!

- The store has cancelled it’s line of “Dora The Explorer Spanx and Thigh-Highs”.   

Today's Almanac

Today is the day the buzzards traditionally return to Hinkley, Ohio.

- This year their making a detour over Columbus to make a deposit on Jim Tressel’s head.  

And finally, a special message.  Click here: Beware!

Thanks Big Al!  Yes, “The Ides of March”, The day that famous pizza maker Julius Caeser was stabbed by three members of the Roman senate when they declared their pizza “Wasn’t hot… and it wasn’t ready!”  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here on Wednesday!

-Dick

Nothing Short Of A Miracle!

This Japanese man was rescued 10 miles off the coast of Japan.  He had been clinging to the roof of his house - which is all that was left - for two days following the earthquake and tsunami.  His wife is presumed dead.  

Crazy Like A Fox?

Friday, Charlie Sheen announced plans for a live variety show tour called “Violent Torpedo of Truth”.  And, lucky us, his first stop is right here at the Fox theater on April 2^nd .  Tickets for that show, and a second one in Chicago sold out in a record 18 minutes, so now there’s talk of expanding the show to 30 stops in America, plus “performances” in Europe and Australia.

- And we all know Charlie likes to perform!

- One of his porn-star girlfriends said the show will last about “Two and A Half Minutes”. 

- Why would anyone pay good money to see Charlie on stage when you can see him on TV 24 hours a day for free? 

- They say a lot of performers die on stage… and it Charlie’s case it could happen.  Literally. 

- The “Spiderman” show on Broadway had to be cancelled because all of the actors kept getting stuck high in the air; in this production the only one “high” will be Charlie!

- Charlie will arrive on stage in a chariot pulled by six hookers.  

- It will be a lot like the old Ed Sullivan Show, except Topo Gigio will be replaced by Andrew Dice Clay.

Charlie Gets Scalped!

Promoters of the show might be disappointed.  Within minutes of the sell-out in Chicago, 1500 of the 5000 tickets sold were being offered by scalpers on the ticket resale site, Stubhub.  Hours later, there were still 1,492 seats available.

- “Losing!”

- “Stubhub”… that sounds like a nickname for one of Charlie’s “Goddesses”. 

Want To Live Long? Be Pessimistic!

Researchers from La Sierra University in Riverside, California have published a report on longevity that disproves many old beliefs about how to live longer. The 20 year study of over 1500 people found men in long term marriages outlived bachelors and divorced men, but marriage had no effect on the lifespan of women.

- If divorced men die younger… Larry King should have been dead 20 years ago.

- Marriage has no effect on the lifespan of women… unless, of course, you’re married to OJ Simpson.

The study also revealed that contrary to popular belief, happy, optimistic people die younger than pessimists.  Researchers believe it may be because optimists are more likely to take risks that put their lives in danger.   

- So I think it’s safe to say that both Charlie Sheen and Linsday Lohan are optimists!

- Remember… A smile is just a frown turned upside down! 

And You Thought Reading Cosmo Was A Blast!

Al Quaeda has launched a new women’s magazine which mixes tips on skin care with articles on marrying suicide bombers.  The cover of “Al Shamikha” which means “The Majestic Woman” features the barrel of a sub-machine gun next to the image of a woman in a veil.  There are several interviews with women who praise their husbands’ decisions to die in suicide bombings.  The male editor says the magazine is designed to educate women and involve them in the war against the enemies of Islam. 

- Who needs skin care tips when your entire body is covered in a Burka?

- There’s a recipe for tuna noodle hummus casserole that’s to die for!  

- They should call it “Better Bombs and Gardens”.

- Of course after reading the magazine, the woman will immediately be killed for looking at something published by a man. 

These Eggs Aren't Going To Go Over Easy...

Traditional chefs in China hope to share one of their ancient delicacies worldwide:  “Spring eggs boiled in boys’ urine”.  The chefs gather fresh urine every day from local schools where boys relieve themselves in buckets.  The eggs are then boiled in the urine for 24 hours before being served.  The chefs say they are both delicious and healthy, claiming they stop fevers and help you concentrate if you’re feeling sleepy.

- This sounds like more of a EuroPEEan dish to me.

- For the cholesterol-conscious, they also offer “Boiled in Boys Urine Egg-Beaters”.

 - This dish is for people who like their eggs “Son-ey side up”. 

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin.

- Due to it’s overwhelming success, the next year he patented “cotton vodka”.   

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

-Dick

Tressel Falls Off The Tracks!

Allegations became public this week that Ohio State Buckeye head football coach Jim Tressel failed to report that five of his players, including star Quarterback Terrelle Pryor, sold some of their official OSU team memorabilia including jerseys, awards and championship rings to a drug-dealing, tatoo parlor owner in Columbus. Players are forbidden to profit from the sale of these items while they’re in school. 

According to the NCAA rules, Tressel was obligated to report these events to the University President and the Athletic Director, the moment he became aware of them.  

Well, turns out, he became aware of the violations last April after receiving an e-mail from a former OSU player, now lawyer, and told the whistle-blower he would “get right on it”.  He didn’t until December, after the season was over, when the press broke the story. He has received a suspension for the first two games of the upcoming season. (Which will be against MAC teams Toledo and Akron - Big deal!).  He was also fined $250,000 by the University.

Tressel obviously buried the incriminating info about his players so that his team would have a better shot at a good 2010 season.  And it worked! They ended up 12-1. It’s obvious he wouldn’t have reported the violations, until he was forced to when the media brought them to light, to protect his 2011 season as well.  

So now he’s basically received a slap on the wrist from the NCAA - most likely because he cooperated with them by admitting that he had received the e-mails, albeit nine months after the fact.    

While the national press has come down hard on Tressel, the majority of the Ohio media - and the Buckeye fans - are basically giving him a pass. Why?  Because he wins football games.  He’s beaten Michigan 9 out of their last 10 match-ups. 

I understand the enormous pressure that these coaches are under to win football games expecially when you’ve got tens of thousands of fans sitting in the stadium, looking over your shoulder every other Saturday during the fall.  They say “it’s only a game” - but it’s not really “only a game” when your reputation and your livelihood depend on the results. Tressel tried by winning games at all costs to do both.  Although he most certainly is not losing his job, he did tarnish his reputation.   

But then again, this event reminds us what we’ve all learned from Charlie Sheen… the most important thing is “Winning!”.