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Revolutionary Thinking...

What follows is an article by an Englishman who teaches at Harvard University by the name of Niall Ferguson that I really think is one of the best commentaries that I’ve read about the uprisings in the Middle East.  It was published in the current (March 7th) issue of Newsweek magazine and I thought I would share it with you on the blog today in an abridged version.

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Americans love a revolution.  Their own great nation having been founded by a revolutionary declaration and forged by a revolutionary war, they instinctively side with revolutionaries in other lands, no matter how different their circumstances, no matter how disastrous the outcomes.  This chronic reluctance to learn from history could carry a very heavy price tag if the revolutionary wave currently sweeping across North Africa and the Middle East breaks with the same shattering impact as most revolutionary waves. 

Time and again, Americans have hailed revolutions, only to fall strangely silent as those same revolutions proceeded to devour not only their own children but many other people’s too.  In each case the body count was in the millions. 

So as you watch revolution sweeping through the Arab world (and potentially beyond) remember these three things about non-American revolutions:

- They take years to unfold. It may have seemed like glad confident morning in 1789, 1917, and 1949.  Four years later it was darkness at noon. 

- They begin by challenging an existing political order, but the more violence is needed to achieve that end, the more initiative passes to men of violence – Robespierre, Stalin, and the supremely callous Mao himself. 

- Because neighboring countries feel challenged by the revolution, internal violence is soon followed by external violence. 

The scale of violence in the American Revolution was, by the standards of the other revolutions of history, modest. 

The losers in the American Revolution were not guillotined, or purged, or starved to death.  Most of them simply left the 13 rebel colonies for more stable parts of the British Empire and got on with their lives. 

There were other important differences too.  The people who made the American Revolution were, by 18thCentury standards, exceptionally well off and well educated.  People in Libya today are closer to sans-culottes of the Paris backstreets, the lumpin-proletariat of the Petrograd slums, or the illiterate peasants who flocked to Mao’s standard.  And that is why the likelihood of large-scale and protracted violence is so much greater in the Arab world today than it ever was in North America in the 1770s.  Poor, ill-educated young men.  Around 40 million of them!  (That leaves us with) absolutely no idea who is going to fill today’s vacuums of power. 

Only the hopelessly naïve imagine that 30-something Google executives will emerge as the leaders of the Arab world, aided by their social network of Facebook friends.  The far more likely outcome – as in past revolutions – is that power will pass to the best organized, most radical, and most ruthless elements of the revolution, which in this case means Islamists like the Muslim Brotherhood. 

The probability of a worst-case scenario creeps up every day – a scenario of the sort that ultimately arose in revolutionary France, Russia, and China.  First the revolutions of North Africa and the Middle East could turn much more violent, with the death toll running into tens or hundreds of thousands.  Then they could spark a full-blown war claiming millions of lives.  Worst of all, out of that war could emerge an enemy as formidable as Napoleon’s France, Stalin’s Soviet Union, or Mao’s China. 

Yes, Americans love revolutions. But they should stick to loving their own!  

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"My Enemies Weep Into Their Diapers In My Rearview Mirror!" HUH?

Charlie Sheen’s busy week continues… Over a million people signed up for his Twitter feeds in one day, and he continued doing interviews, saying things like”my enemies weep into your diapers in my rearview mirror”. But his earlier claim that he’s a warlock has ticked off a trio of witches in Salem, Massachusetts. They plan to hold a “Sheen-orcism” and use high magic to try to clear away Charlie’s negative vibes - although one joked that she’d rather “sacricfice him”. 

- Charlie is kinda like Linda Blair without the pea soup.

- They tried to sacrifice a virgin by throwing her in a volcano, but since she was one of Charlie’s girlfriends, the volcano spit her back out. 

- One million Twitter followers in one day?  That makes Justin Bieber look like a piker. 

- Ironically, Charlie refers to all of his ex-wives as witches…um… I mean “bitches”. 

- “My enemies weep into your diapers in my review mirror”… may sound strange but Charlie’s actually got a lot in common with diapers:  They’re both loaded. 

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Naked Therapy? Where Do I Sign Up?

New York model and psychology buff Sarah White has developed a new school of analysis:  “Naked therapy.” She says it’s hard for men to talk about their problems, so she makes therapy more exciting by removing all her clothes over the course of each hour-long session.  Sessions start via webcam for $150 a pop, but once she gets to know the client, they can move to in-person sessions. One male psychologist said “White isn’t licensed and this isn’t therapy.”  

- Well that’s his opinion!

- White says if a client is shy, she won’t get completely naked but will wear a Freudian slip. 

- NEWSFLASH:  Charlie Sheen has just Twittered that he realizes he desperately needs therapy… but only from this woman.

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He Must Be Exhausted By Now!

Tuesday, former pharmacist Howard C. Cook Jr. of Pennsylvania was charged with stealing erectile dysfunction drugs from a Walgreen’s where he used to work.  He reportedly admitted to stealing nearly $4000 worth of Viagra, Cialis and Levitra just since December.  

- Prosecutors are confident his confession will stand up in court.

- Police became suspicious when they noticed he and his wife sitting in matching bathtubs in their front yard in the middle of January.

- If the judge sentences him to more than four hours, he’ll have to go directly to the prison infirmary.

- I can just see the judge now… “I said raise your HAND and repeat after me!”

NOTE: Whatever happened to Levitra?  I never see the name or any commercials for it anymore.  Maybe this pharmacist stole it all!

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Personally, I Think They're Full Of It!

Psychologists at a University in the Netherlands discovered that people make wiser decisions when their bladders are full.  Apparently bladder control is linked to the same part of the brain that activates feelings of desire and reward, so when people try to control their bladders, they also put pressure on the brain to control impulses for short term pleasure.  So if you need to make a wise decision that’s best for the long term, drinking water and holding it may help you hold off on making expensive purchases.  In fact, just thinking about words related to urination helped people make wiser financial decisions. 

- Are those “wiser” decisions or “whizzer” decisions? 

- One researcher said he knew what the results would be even before the study.  I guess he has ESPee! 

- So if you can convince your wife to “hold it” when she goes perfume shopping, she’s less likely to drop big bucks on eau de toilette!  

- Bottom line:  If you want to be smart, hold off on making your “Bladder Gladder”!

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Just When I Don't Need 8" X 10" Glossies Anymore!

Panasonic has just introduced a new digital camera that automatically beautifies the photo subject.  The LUMIX FX77 has a “beauty retouch” button that can whiten your teeth, improve the look of your skin, remove dark circles under your eyes, make your face look smaller, magnify the size of your eyes and even apply blush, lipstick and eye shadow.  The camera is targeted at people who want to look really good in all their blog and Facebook photos. 

- So now that guy or girl you meet on-line will be even more disappointed when they meet you in person! 

- Angelina Jolie has had one of these cameras for years.  She actually looks like Helen Thomas. 

- Nick Nolte and Glen Campbell are just sorry they didn’t have this technology when they took their last mugshots. 

 

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Attention Christina Aguilera!

On this day in 1931, “The Star-Spangled Banner” became the U.S. national anthem.  The range-heavy tune was originally a drinking song, and some critics complained that most people would have to be drunk just to try and sing it.  

- The words “the rockets red glare” originally referred to the lights on the cop car that pulled you over for swerving.  

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

 

 

 

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The Sheen Is Wearing Off...

It appears that Charlie Sheen has not only lost his mind… he’s lost custody of his two youngest children.  His twin two-year olds Bob and Max by ex-wife Brooke Mueller were allegedly removed from his home last night by police after Mueller filed for a restraining order against Sheen.  Meantime, Charlie is claiming that Mueller is “an unfit mother”, accusing her of excessive drinking. But Charlie’s not lonely… he’s currently living with two “goddesses” in the home he’s dubbed, “Sober Valley Lodge”. 

- He says he misses the boys and tears up everytime he turns on “Spongebob Not-So-Sober-Pants”. 

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Today's "Booger Blog"

Charlie’s media blitz continued Tuesday night with a special edition of ABC’s “20/20”.  During the interview, Charlie said he had “tiger blood” and “Adonis DNA”, that he’s “a Vatican assassin warlock,” that “can’t is the cancer of happen”, that “my passion is not from this terrestrial realm,” and that “I have a 10,000 year old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old.”  

- Charlie’s put so much Coke up his nose I’m amazed he has room for any “boogers”. 

- The “tiger blood” he was referring to was actually “Tiger Woods”… they do love their hookers!

- This is good news!  If CBS doesn’t give him his show back he can always get work as a “Vatican assassin warlock”!

- The Pope said, “If Charlie Sheen has anything to do with the Vatican, I’ll eat my hat!”

- Of all the things he said, the only one I believe is that he “has the boogers of a 7-year-old”.  

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Good News! Charlie's Twittering! That Outta Be A Tweet!

Charlie also claims he cured his drug addiction by just closing his eyes and making it so with the power of his mind, and that if normal people borrowed his brain for five seconds, “your face would melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body”.  He also announced that he’s opened a Twitter account so he can share his thoughts with fans as fast as they occur to him. 

- He actually closed his eyes, clicked his heels together three times and said, “There’s no place like my porn family home!  There’s no place like my porn family home!” 

- Let’s be honest… Charlie’s been “Twittering” for a very long time! 

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"I'll Have A Slice Of Mice"

Police in Pennsylvania accused pizzeria owner Nikolas Galiatsatos of animal cruelty and other charges for allegedly releasing mice in rival restaurants. Police say he had a mouse infestation, so he tried to spread it to his competitors.  One rival found a bag hidden in his bathroom ceiling after Galiatsatos used the restroom. Thinking it was drugs, he handed it over to the cops.  The bag actually contained live mice, so cops followed Nikolas and caught him releasing mice into another Pizzeria’s garbage.  They call it “food terrorism by mice”. 

- This gives a whole new meaning to “slipping someone a Mickey”. 

- When police took his mugshot they said, “Say Cheese!” 

- Why is eveybody so upset?  Chuck E. Cheese IS a mouse!

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Tall-Tales From The Tabloids?

Katie Holmes is suing the Star Tabloid for $50 million for putting an unflattering picture of her on the cover last month with the large headlines reading “Katie DRUG SHOCKER!” and “Addiction Nightmare.”  The story inside didn’t even claim she was taking drugs, but suggested that since marrying Tom Cruise, she is using the Scientologist “e-meter” to audit her moods so often that it’s like she’s addicted to it.  

- Katie only looks drugged because she’s so much taller than Tom that the air she breaths is thinner and makes her lightheaded! 

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Joan Collins "Tight" At The Oscars?

77-year-old Joan Collins is fine after she reportedly felt faint and was rushed to the hospital during an Oscars after-party.  She says that doctors discovered that her gown was just so tight, it had constricted her breathing. 

- Joan said she hadn’t felt that out of breath since she and Linda Evans ended up in the pool after that cat fight on “Dynasty”!

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

-Dick

 

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"They Like Me! They Really Like Me!"

In an interview with ABC’s Christiane Amanpour, Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi not only denied that he’s ever used force against his own people, he also insisted that there are no demonstrations against him anywhere in Libya.  He said, “My people love me.  They would die for me.”

- And then he dropped bombs on hundreds of those people just to prove it!

- Gadhafi is what I like to call a “glass is half full” kind of guy.  

- He’s like the Stuart Smalley of the Middle East… “I’m good enough.  I’m smart enough.  And dog-gone it, people like me!”

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And You Though Gadhafi Was In Denial...

Charlie Sheen is continuing his war on CBS and the creator of “Two And A Half Men”.  In twitchy and rambling appearances Monday on both ABC and NBC, Sheen said he’s hired a top Hollywood lawyer to sue CBS for $320 million for the “mental anguish” he suffered after being canned from his show.  He says he’ll only return if they up his salary to $3 million per episode.  

- Mel Gibson said he’ll do it for $2 mil.    

Meanwhile, it was reported that CBS met with John Stamos of “Full House” fame about taking over for Sheen. 

- Maybe Stamos and Charlie could just switch shows. Stamos would do “Two and A Half Men” and Charlie would do “Full House of Porn Stars”. 

In another twist, Charlies longtime PR rep resigned Monday, saying he cared about Sheen very much but at this point, “I’m unable to work effectively as his publicist”.  Sheen replied by calling him a derogatory name and saying, “He’s not allowed to quit, so you’re fired!”

- The rep is trying to get a job doing PR for someone with a more sedate lifestyle… like Lindsay Lohan. 

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Ted's Sex-ellent Adventure!

Judicial Watch used the Freedom of Information Act to obtain long-suppressed FBI records on late Senator Ted Kennedy and what they found was pretty interesting.  Among the previously blacked-out sections were accusations that in 1961, while on official business for JFK, Ted rented out an entire brothel in Chile for the night and invited his chauffeur to join him for the festivities. 

- Which led to the famous quote… “Ask not what your chauffeur can do for a Chilean hooker, but what a Chilean hooker can do for your chauffeur!”

- Hey… at least he was smart enough to give the car keys to someone else! 

- So while JFK and Bobby were both dating Marilyn Monroe, Teddy got stuck with some cheap hookers in Chile.  This is what happens to younger brothers! 

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Can I Get A Reuben With That Rumba?

Last night, ABC announced the cast for the next series of “Dancing With The Stars” and here’s the line-up: boxer Sugar Ray Leonard, “Karate Kid” Ralph Macchio, rapper Romeo, radio/TV hosts Wendy Williams and Mike Catherwood, model Petra Nemacova, actress Chelsea Kane, ex-WWE wrestler Chris Jericho, former Hugh Hefner girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson, Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward and Kirstie Alley. 

- So they’ve got two wide receivers!

- Producers are a little afraid that Hines Ward might “spike” his partner on the dance floor everytime one of the judges gives him 6 points.  

- I hope Kirstie Alley isn’t a diva… if she starts throwing her weight around, somebody’s gonna get hurt! 

- Kirstie may get plenty of “Cheers” from the audience, but I wouldn’t want to be the guy who has to lift her over my head! 

- The rest of Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriends will make up the entire ballroom audience! 

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Each Book Comes With A Prescription For Penicillin!

Britain’s Daily Mirror claims that Lindsay Lophan hopes to make a comeback by posing for a book of nude sex photos with James Franco. Sources say it would be “provocative but tasteful” and be a “real statement book”. 

- And that statement would be… “I’m a tramp!”

- I just hope it’s out in time for Christmas!  It would make a great fish-net stocking stuffer!  

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Your Heating and Cooling Experts!

U.S government computer models predict that even a small regional nuclear war could reverse global warming and spark unprecedented global cooling. 

- It’s the feel good story of the week! 

- Which explains Al Gore’s new line of  “Nuke ‘em if you got ‘em” T-Shirts!”  

 

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RIP

Actress Jane Russell has died at 89.  Famous for her, uh, upper torso, an actual movie tag line for one of her films read:  “Jane Russell in ‘The Outlaw’ in 3-D will knock BOTH your eyes out!”

- I watched the movie with one eye shut just so I wouldn’t go entirely blind. 

 

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow! 

-Dick

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