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76 year old Joe Biden says he’d take 73 year old President Trump down if age becomes an issue.

- Seems to me Age is a “Touchy” subject for both of them.

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A new Smartphone app called FaceApp is sweeping the internet… It allows you to see what someone will look like when their “old”, and pics have popped up of everyone from Trump to Biden.

- Looks like they’ll both use the slogan “Make America Wrinkled Again”.

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Scientists say new research shows that chimpanzee experience “closeness and bonding” when they sit together and watch a movie.

- Maybe Trump and Pelosi should go see the “Avengers” together.

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Fashion insiders say Americans are turning away from “traditional beauty” and “embracing the Ugly” - thus the renewed popularity of shoes like “Crocs”.

- And just like that my Baby Blue Leisure Suit and White Bucks are back in style.

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Political experts say extensive polling shows that the 2020 Election will be the most toxic ever.

- I’m no “Political Expert” but I didn’t need extensive polling to tell you that!

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A study by the University of Southern Australia found that a serving of Nuts everyday will sharpen your brain as you age.

- That’s why I never miss the ladies on “The View”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner’s son Brody says he was hurt when his Dad decided NOT to attend his wedding, just a week before the nuptials.

- In his Dad’s defense, He was worried his plunging neckline dress would upstage the Bride.

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Archeologists have uncovered the remains of one of Napoleon Bonaparte's generals: a one-legged man who was killed by a cannonball more than 200 years ago - underneath a dance hall floor in Russia.

- Their best guess is that the General had been dancing to ABBA’s “Waterloo”.

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The #MeToo movement may put Victoria’s Secret out of business after sales plummeted in the first half of this year.

- But company insiders say those numbers are “padded”… like their Bras.

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New scientific research claims that insects not only feel pain when you smush them, but if they survive they have chronic pain.

- I would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall when they were figuring that one out.

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Joe Biden unveiled his new healthcare proposal and promised “If you LIKE your healthcare… you can KEEP your health care”.

- Biden is clearly grabbing at Obamas coattails… which is better than what he’s usually grabbing.

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Kylie Jenner - of the Kardashian Clan - said that growing up in the public eye has been incredibly tough and caused her distress and anxiety.

- And then she posted more naked pics of herself on Instagram.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Thank you all for your kind Birthday Wishes last Thursday! It really made turning 38 a lot easier.

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Paul McCartney thrilled fans by bringing Ringo Starr on stage with him to play two songs during his concert in LA over the weekend.

- For our Junior readers, Paul and Ringo were once in a band called “The Beatles”.

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The crowd at a Billy Joel concert in NY the night before the Blackout booed Bill and Hillary Clinton after Joel dedicated a song to them during the show they were attending.

- Bill wasn’t happy either… When Bill started singing “Tell Her About It”, Bill was like, “Over my dead body!”

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President Trump, four female Democrat Congresswoman including AOC, plus Nancy Pelosi - got involved in a massive Twitter war over the weekend, all calling each other names.

- It was basically like Junior High without the Lunch Ladies.

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Jeff Bezos and his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez were photographed kissing in public at a Wimbledon tennis match.

- They smooched right as the announcer said, “40 - Love”… which is also the amount of Billions Bezos is going to be out when Lauren decides the only thing She “Loves” is his $$$.

*****

Today and Tuesday are “Amazon Prime Days”… with deep discounts of millions of products ranging from Home Assistants to TV’s to Clothing.

- In other words, today is THE DAY to save big on things you don’t need and hadn’t even thought of buying in the first place.

*****

The London Mail is reporting that British actress Lashana Lynch will be the next James Bond - making her the first woman to play 007.

- In keeping with the #MeToo movement, the movie will be called “Dr. No Means No”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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Jackie here!

It’s 7-11… and that can only mean 2 things: It’s National Free Slurpee Day at 7-Eleven and, more importantly… IT’S MY DAD’S BIRTHDAY!!!

On behalf of my five sisters, Jennifer, Jill, JoAnne, Jessica & Julie - and my wonderful oh-so-missed Mom Gail - I want to say Happy Birthday to the Greatest, Funniest, Smartest, most Caring, Loving and Strongest man we know. Thank you for being our Everything! We Love you so very much today… and EVERYDAY!!!

Love,

All Your Girls

PS - That’s my Dad, with HIS Dad just a few short years ago. (wink wink)

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Dick here! Thank you so much girls… I love you, too!

In other news…

World Cup soccer star Meghan Rapinoe dropped the F-Bomb in front of thousands of young soccer fans attending the victory parade in NYC yesterday that was broadcast LIVE on TV.

- Apparently she thinks “using your head” only applies to action on the field.

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In a new tell-all book about “The View”, former co-host Rosie O’Donnell said working with Whoopi Goldberg was “the worst experience” she’s ever had on live television.

- A lot of people think watching Rosie on “The View” was the worst experience THEY ever had.

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The hottest new fashion trend is a man-bag called the “MURSE,” which is worn strapped across the male body.

- Note to my Daughters: If you’re thinking about getting me a “MURSE” for my birthday… “MON’T”.

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A massive crack in the earth that was caused by Friday’s earthquake in Los Angeles has become a major tourist attraction.

- Or you can save plane fare and just google “Kim Kardashian Butt Selfies”.

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Barbra Streisand seemed to confirm long-standing rumors that she was once involved with Prince Charles when she told concert goers last weekend that “If I’d played my cards right… I could have been the first Jewish Princess”.

- If you don’t count the “Real Housewives of New York”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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A 100 year old man and a 102 year old woman got married after a whirlwind courtship at the Nursing Home they live in.

- Why the rush??

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Politico is reporting that President Trump’s self-admitted “germaphobia” has gotten so bad that he makes everyone who comes into the Oval Office use hand sanitizer.

- As opposed to Bill Clinton who wanted Oval Office house visitors to use the Dry Cleaners.

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Burger King is rolling out a new Burger in the U.K. made with fried cheese patties in place of meat.

- When it comes to watching your cholesterol, this is kind of a lateral move.

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According to a survey, 52 percent of those polled said they give their dogs more kisses than their significant others — and 61 percent said they kiss their dogs on the mouth.

- Women blamed men for not being as affectionate as dogs, whereas the men - as usual - blamed it on the dog.

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Mackenzie Bezos is the world’s 22nd richest person now that her divorce from Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is final, and she’s reportedly received thousands of date offers from men on the internet.

- NOTE: Guys over 60 need not apply since Mackenzie is used to guys in their Prime.

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Forbe’s Magazine announced that the highest paid celebrity in the world is… Taylor Swift… who brought in $180 Million last year.

- But Kanye West said “Beyonce still has the best bank account of all time!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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Rep. Eric Swalwell of California is dropping out of the Democratic primary after a three-month campaign that failed to gain traction.

- Leading people everywhere to ask: “Who’s Eric Salwell??”

- And just like that there are only 24 Democrats to choose from.

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Whoopi Goldberg told an interviewer that she only dated because she felt she had to and never wanted to get married.

- “Neither did WE” said her three ex-husbands.

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Justin Verlander says that the reason we’re seeing more homers on the field is because the MLB is “juicing the balls” turning baseball into “an f-ing joke”.

- Justin’s allegations are known in baseball circles as “The Sermon on the Mound”.

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Kim Kardashian took to Instagram to post pics of her three year old son Saint’s “adorable cheeks!”.

- They’re just like Kim’s cheeks… except for the being on his face part.

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A gender reveal party on Australia's Gold Coast took a dramatic turn when a car used to spew blue smoke caught on fire.

- Remember the good old days when a “Gender Reveal Party” consisted of you and your spouse glancing down to see what kind of parts your baby was born with?

*****

AOC and her boyfriend spent part of the holiday weekend at the Hotel McKittrick in NYC where they attended a show described as “a mix of drag, burlesque, circus and vaudeville acts”.

- It was pretty much like being in Congress but with costumes.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Congrats to the US Women’s Soccer Team who won the World Cup by defeating the Netherlands 2-0.

- They’re the best players on the planet, Hands Down.

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Scientists say they are inching closer to being able to produce Steaks out of cow cells grown in a lab.

- Why? Are we out of Cows?

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Famed competitive eater Joey Chestnut won Nathan’s “4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest,” for the 12th time, downing 71 dogs in 10 minutes… which is three less than last year’s total of 74.

- Good to see Joey finally doing something about his cholesterol.

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Palace insiders say Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip were “no shows” at Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s baby Archie’s christening over the weekend because they’re tired of Meghans TV-star attitude.

- Meghan was like, “Who died and made you the Queen??”

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A new study out of MSU claims that compatibility is overrated when it comes to having a successful marriage and, at the end of the day, simply finding a nice and pleasant partner is more important.

- So if you can, look for someone like Joy Behar or Rosie O’Donnell.

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A Starbucks barista asked six police officers to leave the coffee shop after a customer said he “didn’t feel safe” with police officers around.

- Lucky for the Barista, the cops will never say they “don’t feel safe” responding when he calls 911 during a stick-up.

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The National Enquirer is reporting that 73 year old Michael Douglas is moving in with his dad Kirk Douglas, because he’s worried about the 102 year old’s health.

- Kirk said, “Just when I thought I was done raising my kids… Mike decides to move back in”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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From the Purtan family to You and Yours… Happy 4th of July!

Have a Safe, Happy & Healthy Holiday Weekend!

-Dick

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A Broadway producer says he’s been given the green light for “Liberace: The Musical”.

- His original choice had been “My Fair Lady”… but then he realized it was already taken.

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A 35-year-old Sheboygan man was sentenced to 150 days in jail for clogging women's toilets with empty soda bottles… something he says he just “had the urge to do”.

- His soda bottle of choice? Squirt.

*****

Reservations to Taco Bell’s new hotel in Palm Springs sold out in two minutes.

- It’s the only hotel in history where the maid turns down your bed and leaves a bottle of Gas X on the pillow.

*****

Arby’s is putting a new twist on the “Burgers made from Vegetables” trend by announcing the release of “Megetables” - Vegetables made out of meat - including a carrot make out of turkey.

- There hasn’t been this much confusion about where something comes from since McDonald’s introduced the McNuggets.

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Kim Kardashian is going to rename her “Kimono” fashion line after being criticized for cultural appropriation.

- In a related story, a group of Baboons is criticizing Kim’s butt for the same thing.

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Joe Biden’s son Hunter told “The New Yorker” that first, he hooked up with his sister-in-law after going on a crack binge and then he married his new wife just one week after he met her.

- This guy makes Billy Carter seem like a campaign asset.

- Hunter’s got a real eye for the ladies. While his Dad, Joe has a real NOSE for the ladies.

*****

Thomas Jefferson’s birthday, April 13, will no longer be a holiday in the Founding Father’s hometown of Charlottesville, Virginia because Jefferson was a slave owner in the 1700’s.

- NOTE: He also happened to write the Declaration of Independence!!

*****

Have a great 3rd of July and I’ll see you back here on the 4th!

-Dick

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President Trump became the first sitting U.S. President to step foot into North Korea when he met with Kim Jong-Un in the DMZ.

- Turns out Trump went there by mistake. He thought he was there for the sale on Golf Shoes at DSW.

*****

While in North Korea, Trump invited Kim Jong-Un to visit the White House this fall.

- But Lil Kim had to turn him down, since he’s do back in Middle School at the end of August.

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Rosie O’Donnell says that “The View”’s Meghan McCain should “stop being mean” to her co-host Joy Behar because Behar is “a living legend”.

- If Joy Behar is a living legend, I’m the Pope.

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NASA confirmed reports that it plans to open the International Space Station to tourism in 2020.

- And you thought the Jet Lag flying to Europe was bad.

******

A video of a Grandpa in Cincinnati getting crazy-excited when his Granddaughter gave him tickets to a Lady Gaga concert has gone viral.

- It’s not that he likes her music, it’s just that her meat dress is the closest his cardiologist will let him get to red meat.

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Oprah says her new favorite way to relax is by sipping a cocktail called “Maui in December” that requires a grill, a blender, a fine-mesh sieve, a canning jar and a martini glass and takes 8 hours to make.

- Or you can just crack open a beer.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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A political website posted a surprising poll last night that showed Rep. Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaii as the overwhelming victor of the first Democratic presidential debate.

- Which begs the question: Who’s Tulsi Gabbard?? (She’s actually an ex Air Force Fighter Pilot)

*****

According to the poll, Elizabeth Warren came in second place.

- Making her the #2 woman on the Totem Pole.

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Beto O’Rourke received very few votes, despite answering several questions in English AND Spanish.

- He’s the only candidate who can apologize in two languages.

*****

President Trump watched the debate on his way to Japan and tweeted, “BORING!”

- This is the first time a sitting President has ever tweeted “BORING” while on a “BOEING”.

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According to a new poll by NPR-IBM, 84% of Americans are angrier today compared with a generation ago.

- Is it just me or do all these polls make you mad??

*****

A Temperance, Michigan man is facing 50 felony counts for allegedly recording other men as they relieved themselves in the bathroom at the bowling alley where he worked.

- Police became suspicious when photos of the men were leaked online.

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OJ Simpson tweeted that when the press camped outside his house, Michael Jackson called and invited him to hide out at Neverland - which he did. Repeatedly.

- Let’s see… A Murderer and a Pedophile getting together for a sleep over. What could go wrong?

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Michigan lost the College World Series Baseball Championship to Vanderbilt last night by losing the best-of-3 final game, 8-2.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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The first Democratic Presidential Debate takes place tonight. The debates will only be on NBC, MSNBC and Telemundo and get underway at 9pm.

- Did organizers not realize that’s the exact same time that “The Bachelor” is on???

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President Trump will be in the air heading for a summit in Japan during the Debate tonight, but experts say he’ll be watching it on Air Force One and will probably be Tweeting.

- Like we needed an “expert” to figure that one out.

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British scientists have discovered that insomnia may be genetic.

- On a bright note… Your parents inability to fall asleep may be the reason you’re here in the first place.

*****

Newly released footage shows the two Nigerian brothers covering their faces in the back seat of a taxi on their way to meet Jussie Smollett for the staged attack in Chicago.

- He hasn’t paid for his Crimes, but at least he paid for the Taxi Ride.

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Kim Kardashian shared an image of herself reclining on top of a White House table during her Monday visit.

- I’m betting it was a rear End Table.

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Michigan lost to Vanderbilt last night, so the Series is tied 1-1. The winners of tonight’s game will be the College World Series Champions. Game time: 7pm on ESPN. GO BLUE!!!!!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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Researchers at U of M found that people who meditate or listen to music in their Doctor’s waiting room remembered more details about what the Doc told them during their appointment.

- And people who listen to two of my all-time NON-favorite oldies: “Loving You” by Minnie Ripperton and “Midnight at the Oasis” by Maureen Maldaur won’t care whether they live or die.

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Space experts now say all-female astronaut crews could reproduce in space without the help of men thanks to “Space Sperm Clinics”.

- Thus NASA’s new slogan: “Going Where No Man Has To Go Again”.

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With the first Democratic debate just one day away, Political strategists say Bernie Sanders is trying to stand out in the Democratic field by being “the most progressive” which makes Elizabeth Warren look “reasonable”.

- That’s like saying Stormy Daniels looks like “The Girl Next Door”.

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An online Knitting website is banning users from posting pics of any projects they knit that support President Trump.

- So if you’re Grandma’s a Trump fan and you plan on going over the river and through the woods to visit her today, she’s probably gonna be in a bad mood.

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The FDA has approved a new drug that will instantly increase a woman’s sex drive - and last for three hours.

- Question: What’s she’s gonna do with the extra 2 hours and 57 minutes??

*****

U of M plays Vanderbilt for the College Baseball World Series Championship in Game 2 tonight. If Michigan Wins… they WIN IT ALL!!!!! Go Blue!!!!!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Today, Bernie Sanders is expected to announce his plan to cancel ALL STUDENT LOAN DEBT totaling an astounding $1.6 TRILLION.

- If Bernie’s plan sounds viable to you… chances are you flunked math.

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Hasbro announced that’s it’s newest version of Monopoly will do away with cash and have players making payments using an Alexa-like device shaped like a Tophat.

- They also announced that in the new version the “Community Chest” will be known as “Madonna”.

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Roseanne Barr and Andrew Dice Clay have teamed up for the “Mr. and Mrs. America” comedy tour.

- These two will make Lenny Bruce and George Carlin look like Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.

*****

A man was arrested Friday for hiding a camera in the Women’s bathroom on the set of the new James Bond movie.

- If they do a Bond movie based on the incident I’m betting it will be called “Gold Plunger”, “A View to a Jill” or “The Spy Who Filmed Me”.

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A woman who claims she was left behind and trapped in a “cold dark” Air Canada plane after sleeping through the landing says she suffers from recurring nightmares.

- By the way… She was the pilot.

*****

A man stripped naked at Detroit Metro Airport and tried to sneak past security.

- Police on the scene said “He loved to fly… and it showed”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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A survey by the Wall Street Journal found that a growing number of retirees are attending “Sleep Away Camps” that offer canoeing, aerobics and archery.

- One Retiree said “it was great” …until no one showed up for parents weekend.

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Airlines are closer to adopting “SkyRider Seats” where passengers sit on a cushioned “saddle” with their Legs and feet dangling off the sides - like riding a horse.

- Just when you thought airline seats couldn’t get any more uncomfortable…

- Instead of announcing “Prepare for Take-off” the pilot just yells “Giddy-Up!”

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Joy Behar and Meghan McCain got into a shouting match on “The View” Wednesday with McCain calling Behar a “B***h” after Behar said Trump supporters hate “Black people and Immigrants”.

- I wish Joy and Meghan would make like Thelma and Louise and drive over a cliff.

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Experts say the World’s Population will stop growing by the beginning of 2100.

- You mean the world’s NOT gonna end in 12 years like AOC said???

*****

Lindsay Lohan lashed out at the NY Post after they reported that the Beach Resort she owns is closing -saying she did it so she can concentrate on opening “Lindsayland” resort in Dubai.

- Lindsayland will feature a roller coaster called “Spaced Out Mountain” and an Open Bar.

- Wow. This makes Micheal Jackson’s “Neverland” seem almost normal.

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According to a new poll, nearly 40% of 18-24 year olds say they haven’t applied deodorant or antiperspirant in the last month.

- Which isn’t as bad as it sounds since they rarely do anything that makes them work up a sweat.

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Mick Jagger is back to performing after heart surgery earlier this year, but an insider claims he has three doctors traveling with him at all times and he wears a heart monitor while on stage.

- If he needs a defribulator Mick is supposed to yell, “START ME UP!”

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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NASA has released s short list of female astronauts who could become the first woman to walk on the moon.

- It’ll be a Small Step for Man… and a Giant Leap for High Heels.

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Steven Spielberg released the cast photo from his remake of “West Side Story”.

- In his version, thousands of illegal immigrants run across the border singing “I Like To Be In America!”

- And in keeping with Diversity, Tony falls in love with a girl named Maria who identifies as a guy named Manuel.

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The Broadway play “Hillary & Clinton” which producers say “Takes place in an alternate universe and centers on a woman named Hillary Clinton who is running for President in 2008” is closing early do to low tickets sales.

- Apparently people didn’t want to see a play where they already knew the ending.

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A Fox News poll has Bernie Sanders leading President Trump by nine points with likely voters.

- Bernie thanked his supporters for taking time out from watching “Matlock” to vote in the survey.

*****

Costco is selling a giant pink-frosted doughnut that weighs almost two pounds, but unfortunately it’s only available in Australia.

- It figures that something with about a million calories would show up “Down Under”.

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A Florida man was arrested after he stripped naked inside a McDonald’s and performed some kind of strange dance.

- He’s accused of showing off his “All-Beef Patties”.

- Turns out the man was arrested once before at Burger King for “Holding the Pickle”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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25 years ago today… America was transfixed as OJ Simpson and his friend Al Cowlings led the police on a slow-speed chase in the famous White Bronco.

- It’s the second most famous White Bronco in the world… after John Elway.

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A picture has emerged of Kim Jong Un as a child wearing Mickey Mouse ears.

- Proving once again that North Korea is the Happiest Place on Earth!

*****

Dem Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg says if elected he WOUNDN’T be the countries First gay President - but says he’s not sure which former Presidents might have been secretly gay.

- Bill Clinton said, “Well don’t look at me!”

- Clinton added, “I DID NOT sleep with that man… Al Gore”.

*****

Bill Cosby lit up the internet in a surprise Father’s Day post from Prison, tweeting "Hey, Hey, Hey...It’s America’s Dad...I know it’s late, but to all of the Dads... It’s an honor to be called a Father, so let’s make today a renewed oath to fulfilling our purpose…”

- “ …Slipping their mothers a mickey!”

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Political insiders believe that Elizabeth Warren is now the hottest 2020 Democrat.

- It’s historic… since this is the first time in history Warren has ever been described as “Hot”.

- Warren says she got “Hot” by connecting with voters… and rubbing two sticks together.

*****

Rapper Cardi B split the seat of her jumpsuit while Twerking during a concert over the weekend, giving the audience a look at her naked butt.

- The audience was shocked because Cardi doesn’t usually moon the crowd during the show… She waits until the Encore.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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A Quinnipiac Poll has Joe Biden leading Donald Trump in a head to head matchup by 13 points.

- Joe says he can “smell Victory”… and you gotta admit it’s nice to see Joe smelling something other than women’s hair for a change.

*****

A man in Pennsylvania called his local TV station to give his theory on the increase in Tornados: Traffic Circles. He said people driving around and around in circles “disrupts the atmosphere”.

- I don’t know about Tornados, but I do know Roundabouts raise my blood pressure when the guy in front of me just sits there - even though he’s got plenty of room to go.

*****

Director Quentin Tarantino is working on a new Star Trek movie that he says will be “foul mouthed” and full of “F bombs”.

- I’m sure glad Quentin lets us know this stuff ahead of time so I can be sure to make a note to see the movie.

- Sounds like it would make a great musical.

*****

Uber announced a plan to deliver food to customers using Drones.

- Drones are just like teenage delivery boys except when you don’t tip ‘em, they launch a rocket at your house.

*****

Mike Tyson is opening a luxury “Pot Resort” in the California desert where vacationers lay out big bucks to spend a week getting high.

- Or you can always break into Willie Nelson’s tour bus and do it for free.

*****

A woman in Scotland had to be cut out of a children’s Kiddy Car after getting stuck inside the mini-vehicle.

- And just like that her dreams of becoming a Circus Clown are dashed.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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