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Apple has been awarded a patent for a new design that would allow iPhones to be folded in half, thus making them Flip-Phones. 

- Attention Purtan girls: Apparently Dad's not so "Uncool" for sticking with his original Flip-Phone! 

- I knew my black socks and sandals made me "Fashion Forward" but I had no idea using my original Flip-Phone made me "Tech-Forward"!

*****

A study out of McGill University in Canada found that the more sex a woman has, the better her memory. 

- This explains why Lindsday Lohan always remembers where she hides her drugs. 

- And why a lot of married women can't remember where they put their car keys. 

*****

Great news... Kayne is out of the psych ward and back home with his wife Kim Kardashian.  

- Can you say "Christmas Miracle"???

- Seriously... Does it get any Butt-er than this?

*****

70 year old Donald Trump has swapped his "Make America Great Again" baseball cap for one that reads "USA" on the front and has "45" on the side. 

- "USA" shows his patriotism but "45" is just bragging about how young Melania is. 

*****

Inside sources say the iPhone 8 may have a 3D camera. 

- The technical name for it is the iAnthonyWeiner. 

*****

A new Twitter account called "HRC in the Wild" allows followers to track every move Hillary Clinton makes from a walk in the woods to going to the grocery store. 

- No offense, but I think tracking Bill's every move would be a lot more entertaining. 

*****

On the flip side, Hillary Clinton is now following Snoop Dogg on Twitter. 

- At first I was skeptical, but I Googled it and it's real fo shizzle. 

*****

A study published in the British Journal of Sports Medicine found that tennis players live longer than other athletes. 

- Upon hearing the news, John McEnroe threw down his racquet and shouted "YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!" 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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Online surveys show that 122 Million Americans shopped on Cyber Monday. 

- Among them Hillary Clinton who saved a whopping 95% on an "I'm With Her!" coffee mug. 

*****

As if there wasn't enough bad news lately... Kim Kardashian has announced that she is shutting down production on "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" due to her husband Kanye West's hospitalization for a mental break down. 

- On the bright side, she's decided to film a new show in the hospital called "Keeping Up With Krazy Kanye". 

- Meanwhile Kanye told his doctors that "Beyonce had the greatest mental breakdown of all time". 

*****

The Victoria Secret "Angel" models have arrived in Paris to prepare for their upcoming lingerie fashion show. 

- We'll be sure to keep you Abreast of developments in this breaking story. 

*****

A new study found that only 1 in 5 adults really mean it when they say that they're "Fine". 

- And any man who's ever been married long enough, knows that 1 person who doesn't mean it is his wife. 

*****

A Canadian man was arrested for stealing $165,000 dollars in gold bars from a mint by hiding them... well... where the sun don't shine. 

- He sold them for cash. We can only hope it was Laundered Money. 

*****

A new erectile dysfunction pill called Noxitrill is marketing itself as "Viagra on Steroids". 

- This could really shrink sales of Viagra... among other things. 

*****

An Italian woman who just celebrated her 117th Birthday has been named "The Oldest Person in the World". 

- And as with everyone named "The Oldest Person In The World"... her funeral will be sometime next week.   

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

 

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It's Cyber Monday! 

- It's basically the same thing as Black Friday, but instead of getting trampled at the Mall, you risk getting fired by your boss for shopping online at work. 

*****

Hillary Clinton's campaign confirmed that it is participating in re-count efforts in Wisconsin, Pennsylvania and Michigan. 

- If I didn't know better, I'd think she thinks the election was Rigged.

*****

Cuba has ordered the Cuban people to observe a nine day mourning period following the death of Fidel Castro. 

- And if you don't mourn appropriately, the government will make sure you join him in Hell.

- Doctors say they were almost able to save Fidel... but as they say, "Close... but no Cigar". 

*****

America is still mourning the death of Florence "Carol Brady" Henderson who died unexpectedly over the weekend at the age of 82. 

- Insiders say three people will speak at her funeral:  Marcia... Marcia... and Marcia. 

- Florence was known as "America's Favorite Mom"... while Bill Cosby is known as "America's Favorite 'Date-Drugging' Dad". 

*****

Goggle is trying to determine who hacked into Google Maps and changed the name of Trump Tower to "Dump Tower". 

- Hello? Why don't they just Google it? 

*****

The California Bar Association is considering making it illegal for Lawyers to have sex with their  Clients. 

- If the law passes, it's really gonna cut down on Lindsay Lohan's sex life. 

*****

A new study by eHarmony.com found that today's singles are dating, on average, about six people at a time. 

- Ladies...if you're considering dating six men at a time, you might want to sign up for some wrestling lessons beforehand. 

- Men in the survey say the hardest part is deciding which of the six women gets to ride shot-gun. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

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Despite supporting Hillary during the campaign, and bashing The Donald, Elton John will give a concert at the Inauguration.

- Even if Elton wears his old duck costume it's still not gonna look as stupid as Aretha's inaugural Hat did. 

*****

President-Elect Trump will NOT pursue charges against Hillary in the wake of the Email and Clinton Foundation Scandals, saying, in his opinion she's done a lot of great things. 

- Topping his list: Losing the election. 

*****

Kim Jong Un sent a 9-page letter to Prez-Elect Trump demanding that the U.S. stop it's "hostile nuclear threats toward North Korea". 

- After he finished the letter to Trump, KJU got busy writing his wish-list letter to Santa Claus.

*****

A study by the Daily Meal found that Mashed Potatoes are the most popular Thanksgiving side dish. 

- But because of the election, they noted that this year most people won't be eating the mashed potatoes... they'll be flinging them at each other. 

*****

Kanye West is reportedly suffering from "temporary psychosis brought on by dehydration and exhaustion". 

- I hope he takes some time off to rest. Like say 10 or 20 years. 

*****

Apple is reportedly considering moving iPhone production to the US. 

- Which means thousands of Chinese 5 year olds can go back to Kindergarten where they belong. 

*****

The gown that Marilyn Monroe wore when she sang "Happy Birthday" to John F. Kennedy sold for $4.8 Million at auction. 

- In related news... Monica Lewinsky just announced she's got a new retirement plan. 

*****

Well here's something to be Thankful for... A Japanese Scientist claims that eating Ice Cream for breakfast makes you "smarter" - with test subjects showing faster reaction times and better information processing capabilities.

- So basically DQ can increase your IQ. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow... on Thanksgiving!

-Dick

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Hard to believe...but Thanksgiving is this Thursday! And a new survey shows that the two things Americans are most Thankful for are "Family" and "Friends". 

- At least the ones who voted the same way they did. 

*****

Vice President-Elect Mike Pence was booed while attending the Broadway musical "Hamilton", and lectured by the cast at the end of the play. 

- It was a cheap shot.... but not the worst "shot" ever taken at a politician at a theater. 

*****

Insiders say Melania Trump will not move into the White House, but will continue living in New York. 

- She and Hillary have a lot more in common that I thought. 

*****

The National Highway Safety Administration says that apps like SnapChat and Pokemon Go are responsible for the biggest spike in traffic accidents in the past 50 years. 

- So if you're just plain TEXTING while you're driving... give yourself a pat on the back. 

*****

Kanye West said he didn't vote, but if he had, he would have voted for Donald Trump. 

- His wife Kim Kardashian didn't vote either, but she's being cheeky about who she she supported. Really cheeky. 

*****

Meanwhile, Kanye has reportedly cancelled the rest of his tour after a bizarre outburst over the weekend, meaning he won't be performing at the Palace on December 22nd. 

- Great... now Gail and I are going to have to figure out something else to do to celebrate our Anniversary. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick

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Purtan Podcast #209

What happens when you record a 45 minute podcast full of interesting subjects and witty banter? The program crashes again and only records 20 minutes of it. Yes... Another "Technical Glitch". But, fear not... Jackie and I managed to get in a few topics before our recording program failed, yet again. What do we talk about, you ask? Subjects include:

- What I see when I look in the mirror. 

- The first snow of the season! 

- "23andMe"... what it is and how it works. 

-Thanksgiving Day & Social Media Conversations... and how a recent event has turned friends and family who used to be like a Norman Rockwell painting into "The Hatfields & The McCoys". 

-The behind-the-scenes Digital Strategy that allowed Trump to win the election. 

And...

- My theory on Obama's start versus Trump's start... and how their beginnings and endings could potentially be complete opposites of each other. 

So take a few minutes away from ranting on Facebook and join us for Podcast #209. It may not be perfect, but I don't think you'll "unfriend" us over it! 

Have a great rest of the day and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog! 

-Dick

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A Los Angeles man is suing Krispy Kreme donuts for "misleading business practices", claiming their fruit filled donuts don't actually contain any fruit. 

- If you're looking to get your daily servings of fruit from a donut, there may be some bigger issues involved here. 

- The man, a Mr. "H. Simpson" said he wants to make a point and "isn't just in it for the D'oh!"

*****

Ten year old Barron Trump will be the First Presidential Son to be in the White House since John F. Kennedy Jr. 

- Unless you count the 8 years George W. Bush lived there. 

- Who can forget the adorable pics of John-John playing under his Dad's desk... or the mental images of Monica Lewinsky hiding under Bill Clinton's?

*****

Jesse Jackson is calling for President Obama to issue a blanket Pardon to Hillary Clinton. 

- He's not saying she actually committed any CRIMES, he just thinks to PARDON her would be a good idea. 

*****

Yesterday, Hillary made her first public appearance since her concession speech, telling a crowd that it was hard for her, and part of her wanted to "curl up with my dogs and never leave the house". 

- Her dogs include a Poodle named "Tally", a mutt named "Maisie", and a hound dog named "Bill". 

*****

A study by the Journal Pediatrics found that a 50% of parents aren't spanking their kids anymore. 

- But ever since "Fifty Shades of Grey" came out, the Dads are spanking the Moms. 

*****

A new study found that 40% of Americans now crave Wi-Fi more than chocolate, alcohol or sex. 

- Of course a lot of them crave Wi-Fi so they can go online and buy candy bars and wine from Amazon... and then watch some X rated entertainment. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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Carrie Fisher has announced that she and Harrison Ford had a 3-month affair while filming one the original Star Wars Movies in 1976. 

- So apparently... Han wasn't going Solo. 

*****

A Pew Research Center study found that 62% of Americans get their political news from Facebook.

- I prefer to get mine from more informed sources... like "Twitter". 

*****

An MRC YouGov Poll found that 78% of voters think the media was biased toward Hillary Clinton in their election coverage... including more than 30% of Hillary supporters. 

- The media was biased towards Hillary? Right... what's next? We find out that the Cubs won the World Series? 

*****

A growing number of Hillary Clinton supporters have been burning their "New Balance" sneakers after the company president expressed support for Donald Trump. 

- It's not nearly as fun as the "Bra Burning" protests in the '60's and 70s. Nobody really wants to sneak a peek at the protestors feet. 

*****

Donald Trump sent the media into a "frenzy" last night by sneaking out for a steak dinner with his family without letting them know. 

- During the campaign the media was angry about everything he said, now they're angry that he didn't say anything. 

*****

Hugh Hefner's son, Cooper Hefner, has told insiders that Playboy is going to bring back nude photos in 2017. 

- Wow. It's only been a week and Trump is already Making America Great Again!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

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North Korean Officials have reportedly asked the Chinese Government to stop their people from referring to Kim Jong Un as "Kim Fatty The Third". 

- Kim Jong Un himself is said to be "taking it on the chin". And that is one, very chubby double chin. 

- China chocked it up to "Sweet & Sour Grapes". 

*****

President Obama said that the first thing he'll do after his Presidency is over, it take a few weeks off. 

- After 8 long years he's FINALLY gonna have time to play a few rounds of golf! 

*****

A fake news story claiming that Donald Trump was going to offer Hillary Clinton a position in his cabinet has gotten a lot of reaction on the internet. 

- People realized it was fake they read he was going to make her "Secretary of Email Security".

*****

After being ridiculed on social media, U of M's Law School has cancelled it's “Post-Election Self-Care With Food and Play” event which invited students to work out their Trump-win anxiety with crayons, coloring books, bubble blowing, and Play-Doh. 

- Law students still interested in those activities are encourage to enroll in Pre-School. 

*****

Momentum is building for a proposal which would see Nevada, Oregon, Washington State and California leaving the US to join Canada. 

- Some Trump supporters said, "Hey... Don't let North Dakota Hit You On The Ass On The Way Out". 

*****

George W. Bush and Laura posted a pic of themselves of Facebook with their newly adopted puppy "Freddie". 

- Apparently they were bored with the family's former dog... Jeb. 

*****

A 3,200 year old mummy has been discovered in an Egyptian Tomb. 

- That or Larry King is vacationing in Giza. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Tonight we'll have another chance to see the "Supermoon"... where the moon will look bigger and brighter than it has since 1948. 

- The term "Supermoon" was coined the first time Kim Kardashian posted a naked selfie of her butt.

*****

A Westchester, New York woman claims she ran into Bill and Hillary Clinton on a hiking trail in the woods on Saturday. 

- She said Hillary seemed upbeat... and looked great in her plaid flannel pantsuit. 

- Hillary hit the trail to bury some more emails... while Bill just hit on the woman. 

*****

Donald Trump was on "60 Minutes" Sunday night, and said that part of The Wall he plans to build on the southern border might be "a fence". 

- In big related construction news... Wallside Windows is having a sale!!!

*****

According to a new Facebook survey, 62% of Americans expect the election to make their Thanksgiving dinner more difficult. 

- Be honest. Is it really possible for ANYTHING to make Thanksgiving dinner more difficult? 

*****

Dozens of colleges around the country have put "Therapy Dogs" on campus and organized "Cry-Ins" for students who can't handle the Election results. 

- Parents everywhere are trading their "My Child Is An Honor Student" bumper sticker for one reading "My Child Goes To The University Of Pansy Ass".  

*****

Reports have surfaced that The Donald-Elect's ex-wife Ivana Trump wants to be the U.S. Ambassador to the Czech Republic. 

- Find out more in the new movie "The First Wives Who Become Ambassadors Club". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

 

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Have a great day... Get some sleep! ...And I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick 

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November 9, 2016

Have a great day... Get some sleep! ...And I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick 

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It's finally here... ALMOST. No matter how things turn out, it looks like about half the people in the country are going to be "Les Miserables"! 

Have a great day!

-Dick 

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Purtan Podcast #108: And The Winner Is???

Welcome to the weekend and Podcast #208! With the World Series one for the history books - literally - I'll explain why one of the Indians' pitchers was being compared to Tiger Great Mickey Lolich and his incredible achievements in the '68 World Series. Then we move on to some guys who aren't being such "good sports", the Harvard Men's Soccer Team. We'll discuss why they've been suspended (and it wasn't for using their hands). Speaking of "players"... we touch on (FIGURATIVELY) Anthony Weiner and his current stay in a Sex Addiction Rehab Clinic, and with the Election just days, hours, or moments away (depending when you are listening to this) I'll share with you a very educated Brit's take on the State of Democracy in America today. In a country of over 300 million people... how did we end up having to pick between these two??? 

So as they say, Vote Early, Vote Often and Tune in to Podcast #208. Even if you don't like it... it's only about 25 minutes long - not four years!

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog!

-Dick

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The Cubs beat the Indians last night to win the World Series! America loves a Comeback... especially when it takes 108 years. 

*****

Anthony Weiner has checked himself into a rehab clinic to deal with his Sex Addiction. 

- He's doing well... at least according to the women he sexted last night. 

*****

The FBI announced that their investigation into the Clinton Foundation is being handled by the "White Collar Division". 

- As opposed to the Monica Lewsinsky Scandal which was handled by the "Blue Dress Division".

*****

The Clinton Email Investigation has found that there ARE emails from Hillary Clinton's private server on Anthony Weiner's laptop. 

- I would have expected Bill on Weiner's wife Huma's laptop... but not Hillary on Anthony's. 

*****

Melania Trump will give a speech in Florida today on behalf of her husband.

- Nobody knows what she's going to say... including Melania. Apparently Michelle Obama hasn't finished writing it yet. 

*****

A new study shows that hitting the snooze button on your alarm clock confuses your body and can be bad for your health. 

- As they say... "You Snooze... You Lose". 

*****

According to a massive new study, the average American spends 23 minutes per day trying to find something good to watch on TV and will dedicate 1.3 years of their life changing channels. 

- Actually, MEN spend 1.3 years changing channels... and women spend 1.3 years asking for the remote. 

*****

According to the American Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, the number of Americans over the age of 65 getting facelifts has doubled in recent years. 

- Boob jobs among Seniors has also doubled... and that's just with the men. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

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An unnamed “senior aide” to then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton left classified information unsecured and unattended in a hotel room during a 2010 trip to China.

- But no worries... Chinese spies only took one classified item from Column A and one from Column B. 

*****

Meanwhile The Donald said Hillary's "getting debate questions ahead of time" makes her a terrible role model for his 10 year old son Barron. 

- When Barron asked about how someone could cheat like that, Trump said he was left "groping for a good answer". 

*****

Cher spoke at a Hillary Rally at MSU yesterday, saying that Hillary will show all of our little girls that a Woman can be President.

- And if Cher was running, she'd prove that a person made entirely of Plastic can be President. 

*****

Danney Williams, the 28 year old Arkansas man who claims that Bill Clinton is his biological father will hold a press conference at noon today to deliver what he calls "a bombshell announcement". 

- He doesn't have DNA proof... he's just going to announce that Bill slept with yet another Bombshell. 

*****

A 19 year old Texas A&M student crashed her car after taking a topless pic of herself to put on SnapChat. 

- When I was in college, if a girl put her top up while driving, it meant her Dad let her borrow his convertible. 

- Police described her as "Well-toned Arms & Dangerous".

*****

Toyota has invented a way to turn your Smartphone into a car key. 

- Which is great news for men who can now use their Smartphones as a toothpick. 

*****

Kim Jong Un's wife, Ri Sol-ju hasn't been seen in public in 7 months, sparking rumors that the North Korean dictator may have offed her like so many of his relatives. 

- NOTE TO FUTURE MRS. KJU's... Your "pillow talk" should NOT include a mention of his failed missile launches. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

 

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It's Halloween! This year I'm going as a disgruntled voter and when the kids come to the door, I'll be handing out... Soup. This year... Bean with Bacon!

*****

Turns out the FBI found more than 650,000 emails on a laptop used by Anthony Weiner and his wife, Clinton aide Huma Abedin, that may contain classified info. 

- I'm amazed the FBI could retrieve them... I'd assume any laptop used by Weiner would have been infected with a Virus. 

*****

Hillary is demanding that the FBI release the "new" emails they have discovered. 

- Being a gentleman, FBI Director James Comey replied, "Ladies first!" 

*****

Meanwhile Donald Trump, who slammed the FBI for not indicting Hillary back in July is now talking glowingly about Director James Comey. 

- The Donald changes his mind about guys more often than Taylor Swift. 

*****

A male British Airways pilot was caught sexting pics of himself wearing nothing but thigh-high stockings during a flight. He's been suspended. 

- On the bright side, his tray table WAS in it's "full and upright position". 

- Hey... He Loves To Fly, And It Shows.

*****

Prosecutors in the Bill Cosby sexual assault case announced that, in order to show a "pattern", they will call 13 women to the stand. 

- 13 women? That's gotta be a hard pill to swallow.  

*****

The wife of imprisoned Mexican Drug Lord "El Chapo" is complaining that Conjugal Visits with her husband have been cut from 4 hours to just 2. 

- Apparently she thinks an hour and 58 minutes just isn't enough time for the two of them to talk. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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A Chicago man attacked  a City Bus Driver with a bag of frozen chicken.

- Hillary immediately called for "stricter frozen chicken control" and the Donald tweeted that "the right to bear poultry" is guaranteed by the Second Amendment. 

*****

Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was vandalized by someone using a sledgehammer. 

- Even the Donald doesn't blame Hillary saying she's not nearly healthy enough to lift something that heavy.

*****

The latest batch of WikiLeaks show that, during the Primaries, the Clinton campaign considered sending The New York Post a picture of Bernie Sanders lounging around the pool in his bathing suit. 

- We can only hope his swim trunks weren't as "Transparent" as the Government he was calling for. 

*****

For $179 a year passengers at Metro Airport can now sign up for a program called CLEAR that takes 10 fingerprints, scans your Iris, and takes a high res pic of your face, allowing you to go through security in less than a second. 

- The TSA agents are really going to have to speed up their groping time. 

*****

Victoria Secret is keeping the venue of their upcoming runway show in Paris a secret, citing fears of a terrorist action. 

- There are a lot of guys who'd like some "action" with the models, but they're not terrorists.

*****

A study by the Centers for Disease Control found that 20 million people were diagnosed with their first sexually transmitted disease last year. 

- That's right about the time Bill started campaigning for Hillary. Coincidence? Maybe. 

*****

 Twitter announced that they are cutting 8% of their work force. 

- Instead of a pink slip, the employees will get a Tweet saying "Good News! You don't have to participate in this year's "Secret Santa" exchange!" #You'reOuttaHere 

*****

Caitlyn Jenner was spotted at a movie premiere wearing a dress almost identical to ones worn by her Kardashian daughters. She paired it with size 13 and 1/2 strappy heels. 

- You know what they say... Big Feet... Fake Boobs. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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Get this... The NY Times published an article about a 7 year old girl who had a nightmare where a "Zombie Donald Trump" came to her home. 

- Tomorrow they'll probably post an article saying that a beautiful blond "Princess in a Pantsuit" flew in and deleted the Evil Trump. 

*****

According to the latest batch of WikiLeaks documents, the President knew all along that Hillary had been using a private email server despite what he told the public. 

- What's next? We're gonna find out the Affordable Health Care Act isn't Affordable???

*****

Donald Trump sent out a Facebook message saying that for $69 you can have your name put on the "Trump Donor" wall in the Trump Tower.

- And if you're a woman, for just ten bucks more, he'll come to your house and grope you. 

*****

Last night on TV Newt Gingrich told Megyn Kelly that she's "fascinated with sex".

- Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton and Donald Trump replied "Who isn't???"

*****

A survey by the Brookings Institute found that only 40% of Americans expect the votes to be counted accurately. 

- The official term for it is "Al Gore Syndrome". 

*****

Uber has a new feature that allows passengers to request a flu shot. 

- So after a night at the bar doing shots, you can get a flu shot from the guy you hire because you're too drunk to drive home. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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The Presidential Election is exactly two weeks from today.

- So... "Our Long, National Nightmare... Hasn't Even Started Yet". 

*****

As proof... Turns out one of Hillary Clinton's closest advisors, Terry McCauliffe, made a $675,000 donation to the election campaign of the WIFE of the FBI official who LED the probe into Hillary's email scandal. 

- Apparently "FBI" stands for "Federal Bureau of I Can Make Sure Hillary Doesn't Get Indicted!". 

*****

Meanwhile another woman is claiming that year's ago, Donald Trump grabbed her by the arm without her permission. 

- If that's sexual harassment... the "Guess Your Weight" guy at Cedar Point is in big trouble.

*****

A Federal Judge in Michigan has lifted the ban of taking selfies with your ballot on Election Day.

- So now you can post that pic on Facebook and get Unfriended by all the people who disagree with who you voted for.

*****

A Yahoo survey found that 40% of NFL Fans have stopped watching the games because of Colin Kaepernick's National Anthem protests. 

- NFL officials say they won't stand for this kind of thing. 

*****

The White House has admitted that under Obamacare, health care premiums for tens of millions of Americans will double or even triple next year. 

- So if you're going to have a heart attack after hearing the news, it'd be cheaper to have it now. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

 

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