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Purtan Podcast #117: "Hot Seat For Col-bert"

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Welcome to the weekend and a brand new "Pothole Podcast"...#117!

Today's offerings include: 

- How and what Stephen Colbert will do when he takes over for David Letterman in 2015.

- Taylor Swift's parents big "takeover" of her career.

- "Throw-Back Thursdays"... What are they?

- What 93 year old Mickey Rooney's estate was worth when he died and who he didn't want to be buried near. 

And finally...

- Great news for men who are into older (and I mean much older) women!

Plus lots more in Podcast #117!   (28:11)

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here Monday with my regular blog...

-Dick 

 

 

 

 

 

Julia Louis-Undressed??? Shut! Up!

Former Seinfeld star Julia Louis-Dreyfuss has posed nude for the new cover of Rolling Stone. 

- After seeing the cover, her former co-star Michael "Kramer" Richards had two words: "I'm out!"

There is a glitch in the cover pic... Julia's back is covered in a tattoo of the U.S. Constitution complete with John Hancock's signature. Problem is, Hancock didn't sign the Constitution, he signed the Declaration of Independence. 

- If you can't trust a tattoo artist to know American history, who can you trust???

*****

In Great Britain, a screening of the movie Noah was cancelled after the entire theater suffered a flood. 

- The theater manager made it out safely...along with two Gummy Bears, two Marshmallow Peeps and a box of Animal Crackers. 

- Some theater employees were helped out of the flood by two Jolly Ranchers and Mike & Ike. 

*****

Hillary Clinton will release her latest memoir on June 10th. The book will focus on her time as Secretary of State but the title of the book has yet to be picked. 

- Insiders say Hillary already rejected two titles: "Benghazi: What Difference Does It Make?" and "I'm Not The First Secretary My Husband's Been With".

*****

Alec Baldwin is once again being accused of homophobia because of a recent Twitter rant. 

- Luckily, Alec doesn't have a job right now so he doesn't have to get fired again.

*****

Sweden is experimenting with a 6 hour work-day schedule in an effort to create a healthier, happier, workforce. 

- Swedish men already get to work with Swedish women...how much happier can they get? 

- We have a similar short work-day experiment going on in this Country as well. It's called "Congress". 

*****

Taylor Swifts parents, who are separated, have reportedly fired almost all of Taylor's management team in an effort to control her career. 

- Taylor plans on regaining control by breaking up with her parents and writing a hit song about it. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast (#117) featuring former "Purtan's Person" Tom Delisle! 

-Dick 

Ortiz Tries To Get Weathy Off Selfie...

The White House has banned "selfies" after Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz sold one he took with President Obama to Samsung, who used it as a promotion for their new phone. 

- At least Ortiz didn't include his bat in the picture like Anthony Weiner always does. 

- What better way to showcase the President's love of America's Favorite Pastime than on a S. Korean phone. 

*****

Paintings by George W. Bush have gone on display at his presidential Library.  

- The best one is of the President's now deceased dog Barney playing Poker. 

- He's gotten great reviews for his "Still Life". It was based on a cell phone pic of Dick Cheney's friend right after he shot him in the face. 

*****

George Strait and Miranda Lambert were the big winners at last night's Country Music Awards. 

- There haven't been that many people in one place who've lost their job, dog and pick-up since last year's Kentucky State Fair. 

*****

Today is National Beer Drinking Day. 

- This is the day when overweight men across America really go to work on their Six-Pack Abs. 

- National Beer Drinking Day is also known by another name..."College". 

*****

David Letterman's announcement last week that he will retire in 2015 has TV execs buzzing about who will replace him. 

- Jay Leno is already working on his opening monologue. 

*****

Bill Maher says there really is a "Gay Mafia", and that if you cross them, you get whacked. 

- And if you don't get whacked, you get dinner and an evening of dancing!

- Police can tell if the Gay Mafia ordered a hit, because the guy is found at the bottom of the river wearing expensive designer cement shoes. 

*****

RIP...Mickey Rooney. The pint-sized actor who, along with his co-star Judy Garland, was one of MGM's biggest box office attractions in the '30's and 40's has died at the age of 93. In addition to his acting, Rooney was known for his marriages - there were 8 in all, including one to Ava Gardner. 

- One film historian said, "Mickey leaves some pretty small shoes to fill". 

- He will be buried after a short service. (Bada Boom!)

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday. 

-Dick 

Holy Moses...Is This Really The Holy Grail?

A pair of historians claim to have found the Holy Grail - the cup Jesus reportedly used during the Last Supper - at a Church in Spain. The chalice has been dated back to the time that Jesus walked the earth. The original cup was made of onyx (the brown bowl part) and sometime later was encased in jeweled encrusted gold.  

- Some archeologists are suspicious, saying  the "Dishwasher & Microwave Safe" stamp on the bottom seems a bit off. 

*****

Another twist in the missing Malaysian airliner story... Now Government officials have revised the last words transmitted before Flight 370 went off the grid. They now say instead of, "All right, good night." the actually words were "Good night, Malaysian three-seven-zero." 

- Apparently their PR guy is the same one who handled the Benghazi talking points. 

- There haven't been this many plot twists since "As The World Turns" was on the air. 

*****

James Clapper, the Director of National Intelligence, has admitted that despite denials by the White House, the NSA did spy on American citizens emails, social media posts and phone calls. 

- So it's true! The government does have your recipe for low-fat meatloaf! 

- No wonder I never got the money from that guy in Nigeria! The NSA stole my email and my 6 million dollars!

*****

A 68 year old man was arrested in a Virginia National Park for pleasuring himself while doing yoga, then throwing a dead animal at a passing car, then going back to yoga and pleasuring himself again. 

- I thought Yoga was supposed to calm you down! 

- I was totally okay with the story until I read about the throwing the dead animal part. 

*****

A parrot - this is true - has been moved out of public view at a Garden & Animal Center in Great Britain after it began repeatedly spewing expletives at customers and their kids. 

- There's a Soupy Sales' parrot joke in there somewhere...

*****

Speaking of Soupy Sales, scientists at The Ohio State University say that humans are capable of making 21 different facial expressions. 

- Except for Joan Rivers and Bruce Jenner who can only make one a piece.  

- One of the expression is labeled "The You Gotta Be Kidding Me Face" which popped up when people found out they had to refer to OSU as THE Ohio State University. 

*****

French farmers are feeding their cows red wine to make the meat more tender. 

- This is gonna make "Cow Tipping" a whole lot easier. 

- Farmers are also feeding wine to chickens...but of course it's white wine since it goes so much better with poultry. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

My Last Blog...

IT'S APRIL FOOLS DAY! Or as Mark Twain famously said:

"This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."

*****

So what's considered the best April Fool's Prank of all time??? 

On April 1, 1957 the British news show Panorama broadcast a three-minute segment about a bumper spaghetti harvest in southern Switzerland. The success of the crop was attributed both to an unusually mild winter and to the "virtual disappearance of the spaghetti weevil." The show's highly respected anchor discussed the details of the spaghetti crop as viewers watched video footage of a Swiss family pulling pasta off spaghetti trees and placing it into baskets. The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest hoax generated an enormous response. Hundreds of people phoned the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this query the BBC diplomatically replied, "Place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best." 

*****

Congrats to the Tigers for winning their home opener against the KC Royals 4-3! 

*****

Comic book hero Batman turns 75 today. 

- He's still behind the wheel of the Batmobile, but it's left-turn signal is always on and he goes 45mph on the freeway. 

- At his age, he needs Viagra to use the Bat Pole. 

*****

China announced plans to cover the world in surveillance cameras. 

- The program is known as "Moo Goo Spy Cam". 

- Wouldn't it be cheaper to just hack into the NSA's video system? 

*****

Lady Ga-Ga was caught using the men's room at a Broadway theater during a break in the show "Of Mice and Men".

- Luckily Rosie O'Donnell and Rachel Maddow were standing by the stalls at the time and told her she was in the wrong bathroom. 

*****

Grandparents are being told by the USDA to read "Government Bedtime Stories" to their Grandkids to encourage them to eat healthy. 

- Some of the Government stories include: "I Love You Only This Much...Because Portion Control is Important!", "Curious George Got In Big Trouble For Eating a Cookie!" and "Green Eggs & Ham Will Give You a Heart Attack Someday". 

*****

Some Deaf People in California who were given a special number to call to sign up for Obamacare were instead directed to a Phone Sex line. 

- If they thought the sex line was expensive, wait until they see their health care premiums. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick