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A pic of a Detroit Tigers' fan who goes by "Chewbacca" and attends every home game SHIRTLESS, despite the weather. has gone viral. Meanwhile about 100 people were on hand at a strip club on 8 Mile last night when Stormy Daniels finally performed, dancing to "Abracadabra" by Steve Miller. 

- Between a pic of Chewbacca shirtless, or one of Stormy shirtless, the Editorial Board of @dickpurtan.com went with Chewbacca. Sorry, guys!

*****

Stormy claims that she'll donate her settlement money in the Trump case to Planned Parenthood. 

- And you can take that to the bank! Just like she will. 

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President Trump says he's willing to walk out of his upcoming meeting with North Korea's Kim Jong Un if it isn't "fruitful". 

- One look at "Lil Kim's" waist and we know for sure one thing won't be "fruitful"... the lunch buffet. 

*****

According to new research, the average American utters their first curse word of the day at 10:54am... but 1 in 4 let one loose by 9am. 

- WTH???

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An AP High School student in Minnesota is demanding action after being forced to use a classroom textbook that describes President Trump as "mentally unstable". 

- In a related story, some elementary schools are now making kindergartners read "One Fish, Two Fish. Red State. Blue State" and "How The Grinch Stole The Election". 

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As Bill Cosby's second sexual harassment trial continues, "America's Favorite Dad" not only claims he "doesn't like sex", he denies having a prescription for Viagra. 

- But he does have two bathtubs on his front lawn so I wouldn't rule out a prescription for Cialis. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

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RIP... Barbara Bush, the Former First Lady has died at the age of 92. Known for her grace, kindness and class, she was only the second woman in history to be both the wife of a US President, George H. W. Bush, and the mother of another, George W. Bush. (The first was Abigail Adams). Born Barbara Pierce, she met her future husband at a Christmas Dance when she was just 16. They married in 1945. As First Lady, she championed Literacy and Depression Awareness. The woman known as "America's Grandma" will be buried this Saturday on the grounds of her husband's Presidential Library - next to the daughter, Robin, she and George lost to Leukemia at the age of 3 in 1953. 

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Bill Cosby offered up an interesting defense in his sexual harassment trial, claiming he didn't have sex with his accusers because he "doesn't like sex" - he "only likes petting". 

- I'm sure his future cell mate will take that into consideration if he ends up in the slammer. 

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Stormy Daniels unveiled a sketch of the man she says threatened her to keep quiet about her alleged encounter with Prez Trump... but many on social media pointed out that the man looks just like her porn star husband. 

- As the old saying goes "So many men... so little time to remember what their faces look like". 

*****

After a slew of bad publicity, Starbucks will close all 8000 of it's locations on the afternoon of May 29th in order to put it's employee's through a "racial bias education day". 

- While baristas are learning about bias, Starbucks customers will realize they can go somewhere else and get a cup of coffee for 8 bucks cheaper. 

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A man was arrested at the scene of a five car accident in Westland Tuesday night after he got out of his truck, stripped naked and started dancing in the street.

- Hey... as Martha Reeves told us in her song "Dancin' In The Street"... "It doesn't matter what you wear, Just as long as you are there!"

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The IRS was forced to extend the Tax Filing deadline by 24 hours until midnight tonight after their website crashed yesterday. 

- Stay tuned... from what I hear, the head of the IRS is still on the phone with an IT guy in India named "Steve". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

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In honor of "Tax Day"... lots of eateries are offering I-Just-Paid-Uncle-Sam-Specials... like "Hooters", where kids 12 and under eat free. 

- And you can deduct the money you spent on a therapist for your nine year old on next years taxes. 

- It won't cost 'em much. If you take a 12 year old boy to Hooters, chances are good his eyes will be bigger than his stomach. 

*****

James Comey's new book may be hugely anti-Trump, but Hillary Clinton aides are blaming Comey (again) for her election loss. 

- At this point, Kim Jong Un has more friends than Comey does. 

*****

British dietitians claim that humans have a harder time losing weight in the winter because in pre-historic days, we had to hold onto fat to survive the cold. 

- The way this winter is going, I'm going to get my "Bathing Suit Body" back just in time for my local Labor Day Parade. 

*****

According to a new financial report, if you had invested $10,000 in Amazon after it's IPO launch in May 1997 you would now have $5.8 million.  

- And if you sold that stock today - and have Prime - you'd get the check in just two days! 

*****

A "green-eyed turtle that breathes through it's genitals" has been added to the endangered species list. 

- It's also been added to the list of "Most Popular Phrases Used By Women To Describe Harvey Weinstein".

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A Boston College philosophy professor is offering extra credit to students who ask someone out on a date in person, go out on the date and have no physical contact.

- If they offered college credits for this in my day, I would have graduated from Syracuse as the Valedictorian. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

 

 

 

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250,000 are without power after the April Ice Storm this past weekend. 

- Mother Nature, you're old enough to be in Menopause. How about a hot flash or two right about now?? 

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92 year old former First Lady Barbara Bush is in very poor health, but CBS jumped the gun Sunday saying she had died peacefully at home.  

- Trump tweeted "MORE FAKE-SHE'S-NOT-AWAKE-NEWS! SAD!!"

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In his ABC interview, James Comey said Trump "treats women like pieces of meat" and "lies constantly"... meanwhile Trump tweeted that Comey is "not smart" and a "slime ball". 

- Why don't they just handle their disagreements like Grown Ups and throw spit balls at each other on the middle school playground?  

*****

According to an investigative journalist, people who work in Amazon warehouses often face a ten minute walk to the bathroom, and instead pee in bottles so they're not docked for taking long breaks. 

- This is disturbing news. Especially for people who use Amazon to deliver cases of Mountain Dew. 

*****

After being told by her Principal to "cover her nipples", a Florida teenager is staging a "Bra-Cott" at her High School today. 

- And just like that, the boys voted her the "Most Popular Girl of ALL TIME". 

- It's been dubbed the #MeBoobs Movement. 

*****

The DEA has seized $2 million worth of Crystal Meth that was transported across the border from Mexico inside wax Disney Character figurines, including Mickey and Minnie Mouse. 

- Take this stuff and you'll end up riding Space Mountain without ever leaving your house. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

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Former FBI director James Comey claims President Trump is "Like a mob boss".

- So basically Comey is claiming Trump is a Mafia Don. 

- Comey is seated during the interview, wearing a nice suit and a pair of cement shoes. 

***** 

Yesterday Stormy Daniels cancelled her appearance at a Strip Club on 8 Mile....again. 

- It's frustrating! This was the second time in a month I've had to change my plans. 

*****

5'7" Mark Zuckerberg sat on a 4 inch cushion during his Congressional hearings.  

- If you haven't seen the pictures on FB don't be surprised. Zuckerberg just had them all blocked. 

*****

New research shows that more adult children are moving back in with their parents than anytime in the last 75 years. 

- I guess Gail and I dodged a bullet when JoAnne landed the new radio gig!

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Buckingham Palace announced that President Trump and First Lady Melania will NOT be invited to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's upcoming nuptials. 

- Trump immediately fired off a tweet "Get Ready England! The Missiles are Coming!!!"

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Police in Orlando are trying to capture a rogue Goose who is terrorizing a neighborhood by breaking windows and attacking people in their yards. 

- Cops say they plan to "shoot first and ask questions later". Put another way, "Duck! Duck! Goose!". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

 

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Sorry for yesterday's technical glitch... The website wouldn't play my phone call to JoAnne on her first day at WOMC which was Monday. BUT... It's working now! Just click on the black bar below! Honest! 

In other news...

The White House announced that President Trump is canceling his trip to South America so he can work on the Syrian situation. 

- Actually, he's still going to "South America"... to his vacation home at Mar-a-Lago. 

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Mark Zuckerberg told Congressional lawmakers that Facebook "didn't do enough" to prevent 85 milllion-plus users personal data from being sold. 

- Ya think?? 

- If there isn't an "Understatement of the Year" emoji, there should be. 

*****

A Wheel of Fortune contestant lost out on a $7000 jackpot and a trip to Europe after he mispronounced the puzzle "Flamenco Dancers" as "Flamingo Dancers". 

- After the show, the man said he was "really Disappoonted" in himself. 

*****

Stormy Daniels gave a tell-all interview to Penthouse magazine and will pose nude in the May issue. 

- More proof that she is NOT doing this for the money. 

*****

A week after being quoted as saying there is "no Hell" Pope Francis wrote a long article that included several references to "The Devil". 

- He's giving a lot of confused Catholics a Devil of a time these days. 

*****

Khloe Kardashian is producing a true-crime TV series about a group of murderous sister's who kill each other off. 

- Let's hope the Kardashians are the stars! Talk about must-see TV. 

*****

A study by the University of Waterloo found that reading aloud to yourself is the best way to retain information. 

- It's also the best way to annoy everyone around you. 

- NOTE TO THE LADIES: You probably don't want to try this technique if you're reading the "Fifty Shades of Grey" trilogy while in line at the grocery store. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

 

 

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Day Three and sounding GREAT! I called in Monday morning (Unfortunately I wasn't caller Number Ten so I didn't win tickets to anything). Just click on the link and hear our chat. 

-Dick

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I'LL BE LISTENING, JOANNE! 

BUT THIS MEANS I HAVE TO GO BACK TO GETTING UP EARLY AGAIN!!!

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A growing number of millennials are shelling out $500 to have pics of their pets embroidered onto their sweaters. 

- The sweaters go great with a Poodle Skirt. 

*****

The Detroit Zoo will celebrate Earth Day on April 14th by giving away 5 pound buckets of zoo animal poop to the first 1000 visitors. 

- This is great if you're looking to be part of the #MeNumber2 Movement. 

*****

Steven Speilberg says that the upcoming Indiana Jones movie will be Harrison Fords' last. He then plans to make a follow-up movie with a woman playing "Indiana".  

- That one will be titled "Indiana Joan and the Temple of Shoes". 

*****

Mark Zuckerberg's high tech friends - like Apple's Tim Cook - have turned their backs on him after the FB data breech, leaving him "isolated". 

- Zuckerberg is so lonely he's sending out "Friend Requests" to everyone who's still on Facebook. 

*****

A new poll this morning shows President Trump has a 51% approval rating. 

- Or as CNN reports it, a DISAPPROVAL rating of almost 50%. 

*****

A porn film studio named Kink.com is holding a four day sale of props and costumes used in the making of adult films, including a 6 foot Human Hamster Wheel.  

- I'm bettin' every item is marked "Previously Enjoyed". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

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Michigan takes on 6 point favorite Villanova for the NCAA Championship tonight at 9:20 pm. They may have busted your bracket... but GO BLUE!!!!! 

*****

President Trump spent Easter with family and friends at Mar A Lago. 

- It was just like being at the White House. Sunday morning Trump fired the Easter Bunny on Twitter and replaced him with Peter Cottontail. 

*****

Lawyer's for Bill Cosby are worried that jurors in his second sexual harassment trial, which starts this week, may be more likely to convict because of the #MeToo Movement. 

- Cosby reportedly told them to calm down and gave them "a little something to help them relax".

- When Bill say's "Take a Chill Pill", he really means it. 

*****

Pope Francis made news recently when he told an interviewer - off the record - that "There is no Hell". 

- The Vatican is in an uproar and the Pontiff is really takin' heat for it.

*****

The National Enquirer is reporting that Caitlyn Jenner has a big crush on Hugh Hefner's 31 year old widow, but is too nervous to ask her out.  

- C'mon Caitlyn! Put on your Big Boy Pants and go for it! 

*****

The out-of-control Chinese Space Station that scientists had predicted might crash into Michigan - burned up in the atmosphere over the Pacific Ocean. 

- And just like that, my "Chinese Space Station Bracket" goes up in smoke. 

- Apparently it got lost on it's way to Michigan, but there were no women on board to insist that they stop and ask for directions. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

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The Tigers have postponed today's Opening Day game until tomorrow due to rain. 

- Great news! One more day of the Tigers' having a non-losing record! 

*****

Researchers at Tufts University have developed a miniature sensor which can be implanted in your tooth to measure the amount of salt, sugar and alcohol you consume. 

- Why not skip the sensor and just ask Mark Zuckerberg?

*****

To stop telling her story, Stormy Daniels now says she will consider a financial settlement with Prez Trump.  

- See? It's NOT about the money!!!

*****

New research shows that going to a concert once every two weeks, not only makes you happier, but could help you live up to 9 years longer. 

- Just another reason to be happy I got tickets to see the "Insane Clown Posse" at the Fillmore downtown on Easter Sunday!

*****

Officials say 64 year old Chinese President Xi  "Had a good talk" with 34 year old North Korea's Kim Jong Un.

- Sounds like Lil' Kim now finally knows the truth about where "little dictators" come from!

*****

Trump called Roseanne Barr, a supporter of his, to congratulate her on the huge ratings for the reboot of her show "Roseanne" - in which her character also supports the Prez. 

- In a related story, Hillary Clinton called a contestant from "The Biggest Loser" to commiserate. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

 

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An Ohio woman was arrested for for making "Lewd comments" to the Easter Bunny in a local park. 

- Police say she told him he had "a really nice tail" and asked to see his "Jelly Beans". 

*****

With Opening Day just over 24 hours away, the Tigers are still saying there are "good seats" available. 

- But if you don't go to Opening Day you're gonna miss out on 3 DELICIOUS new concession items: Brisket Cheddar Corn Muffins, Apple Pie Egg Rolls and Buffalo Sauced Cauliflower. True!

*****

The White House has confirmed that North Korea's Kim Jong Un DID go to Beijing and visit with the Chinese Prez ahead of his upcoming meeting with President Trump. 

- KJU also visited a local elementary school and had a private meeting with the Kindergartener who actually made his iPhone! 

*****

Playboy announced it will deactivate its Facebook accounts because of recent data breaches and the fact that FB won't allow the mag to reflect their "values" by prohibiting nudity. 

- So basically all those topless shots that come across your Facebook newsfeed have been "Fake Nudes". 

*****

An Army Captain who used to be a man, who recently married an actor who used to be a woman, says they are "just like any other Bride and Groom". 

- The couple says their favorite gift was a set of matching "His-Used-To-Be-Hers" & "Hers-Used-To-Be-His" bath towels.  

*****

Academy Awards President John Bailey released a memo denying the sexual misconduct allegations against him. 

- And to prove it, he says his friend Harvey Weinstein will testify as a character witness. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

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Kim Jong Un is reportedly in China after leaving North Korea on his official train. (Pictured above)

- While in China, KJU plans on visiting Shanghai Disney and riding "It's A Small World"... cuz for once he's the tallest guy in the room. 

*****

Sean Penn smoked two cigarettes and admitted he was "on Ambien" when he appeared on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert Monday night. 

- And then Colbert told a Trump joke. 

*****

A woman in Ft. Myers Florida married a one hundred year old Ficus Tree over the weekend in an effort to keep the city from cutting it down. 

- I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say the tree is the strong silent type. 

- Her parents were against the marriage, saying the groom has "a shady past". 

*****

The attorney for rapper DMX, who has 15 kids by 9 different women, says he'll play clips of DMX's hit "X Gon' Give it to Ya" for the judge in an effort to get his sentence for tax fraud reduced. 

- I'm thinking the judge is "Gon' STICK IT to DMX". 

*****

New research shows that second-hand marijuana smoke can be even more harmful to your health than inhaling second-hand cigarette smoke. 

- The only difference is, people exposed to second-hand marijuana smoke don't care. 

*****

Northwestern University has hired erotic expert "Lady Sophia" to teach students a class about  'healthy BDSM practices' during next month's "Sex Week". 

- Parents can read more about it in the upcoming book "Fifty Shades of Wasted Tuition". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

 

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Friday night I had the pleasure of attending a packed party for my daughter JoAnne, thrown by her many friends from Channel 7, on her last day at the station.  I've never been at event where so many kind words and accolades were spoken about someone. To have "that someone" be my daughter is a feeling I can't describe. In addition to funny, poignant and emotional speeches, there was a 23 minute video tribute that featured everyone from Erik Smith, Fox News' Anchor Sheppard Smith, Stephen Clark, L. Brooks Patterson, Governor Snyder, Mayor Mike Duggan, and myself (the list goes on!) to less well known faces, but equally important behind-the-scenes people JoAnne has worked with over the past 20 years. All of whom spoke about how both JoAnne "The Anchor/Reporter" and JoAnne "The Person" had touched their lives. There was great footage of her broadcasts over the years - even clips of her doing the news back on her high school radio station. The music on the video - and plastered on a huge banner at the party - was Tina Turner's "Simply the Best". I may be biased, but I think it was the perfect choice. JoAnne was... and is... Simply the Best!!

-Dick

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In last night's 60 Minutes interview, porn star Trump accuser Stormy Daniels claimed that she was threatened by a thug in a parking lot years ago not to talk about having sex with The Donald. Her lawyer added "She can describe his genitalia".

- Being a porn star, chances are good she'll describe it as "smaller than the guys I work with".

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Social media lit up during and after the interview, with people questioning whether Stormy was on drugs because her pupils were so dilated. 

- Go figure. A girl does a few hundred adult films and people accuse her of doing drugs. 

*****

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg took out full page newspaper ads around the world Sunday apologizing for giving away the personal info of 50 million users. 

- Finally! He admit's he sorry... That he got caught. 

*****

Meanwhile, according to a new report, Facebook keeps a record of every phone call and text message users send and receive on their phones. 

- So basically, Facebook is the new Russia. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

 

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For parents who don't want to "pre-assign" their child's sexuality, Gender-Neutral baby names are on the rise... including Finley, Skyler, Justice, Royal, Lennon, and Oakley. 

- I guess my parents missed the boat on that concept. 

*****

The first trailer for the new Mr. Rodgers documentary "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" was released this week. 

- In keeping with today's political climate, in the first scene Mr. McFeely is accused of sexual harassment by Miss Piggy. 

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In response to Joe Biden's comment that if he and Trump had gone to High School together, Biden would have "beaten the hell out of him", Trump tweeted that  "Crazy Joe would go down fast and hard, crying all the way."

- I say give them a Dodge Ball and let the best man win. 

*****

A survey by a cleaning supply company found that 9 in 10 people think they've improved their partner over the course of a relationship. 

- When I think "Relationship Experts", I always think "Cleaning Supply Company". 

*****

Anderson Cooper's "60 Minutes" interview with Stormy Daniels set to air this Sunday night has been postponed because CBS says it needs "Journalistic work done". 

- It's obviously not the first time Stormy has had "work done".  

*****

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy chastised fellow SCJ Sonya Sotomayor for using the internet as a source for info on a case they were deciding. 

- It's comforting to think that the biggest constitutional questions facing our country are being decided based on info from Wikipedia. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

 

 

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A pic has surfaced of Stormy Daniels taking a polygraph in 2011 which one expert says she passed, and proves she's telling the truth about having sex with Donald Trump - years before he ran for Prez.  

- That pic looks more like a still from one of her porn movies: "Polly's-Graphic Test".

*****

During a Town Hall Meeting with Bernie Sanders, Michael Moore slammed the media for its "obsessive coverage of Stormy Daniels". 

- It's not that he's defending Trump, he's just sick of hearing about someone with (slightly) bigger boobs than his. 

*****

According to a new book, Queen Elizabeth has never taken to Camilla and once called her "That wicked woman" after downing a bunch of martinis. 

- Funny... I've always thought of The Queen as more of a Jell-O shot kind of gal. 

*****

Joe Biden told a crowd that if he had gone to high school with Donald Trump, he would have "taken him behind the bleachers and beaten the hell" out of him for disrespecting women. 

- In a related story, Bill Clinton says that if he'd gone to high school with Biden's wife Jill, he'd have "taken her behind the bleachers and groped the hell out of her". 

*****

Reports that Facebook gave away the personal data of more than 50 million users to political candidates has ignited a new #deleteFacebook campaign... which urges users to deactivate their accounts. 

- This is huge! #deleteFacebook has already gotten 2 million "Likes"!

*****

Mork & Mindy co-star, Pam Dawber, says Robin Williams "flashed, humped, bumped, and grabbed her on the set" of the show, but that it was the '70's and "it was fun". 

- Pam's started a new social media campaign... the #Me"NaNu-NaNu" Movement. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

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Spring officially arrives at 12:15pm this afternoon! 

- Time to get out my Black Socks & Sandals! 

- Of course living in Michigan... Winter will continue until the middle of May.

*****

This morning, at the age of 77, Ringo Starr was finally Knighted by Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace. 

- They only made him a knight after he agreed to play the drums at Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's wedding reception.  

*****

According to a new book, Queen Elizabeth has never taken to Camilla and once called her "That wicked woman" after downing a bunch of martinis. 

- Funny... I've always thought of The Queen as more of a Jell-O shot kind of gal. 

*****

New research says that if you want to avoid getting sick from other passengers on an airplane, sit in a window seat and don't get up during the flight. 

- And if you're a dog and you'd like to make it through a flight alive, don't fly United. 

*****

A man in England was arrested after handing a cop who pulled him over a fake license claiming he was "Homer Simpson" complete with a cartoon drawing of his face. 

- He's hoping to have the incident erased from his record. 

*****

Steven Speilberg announced that he will begin shooting the 5th installment in the Indiana Jones series next Spring and that, yup, the film will star 76 year old Harrison Ford. 

- Speilberg hasn't decided whether to call the movie: "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Metamucil" or "Raiders of the Lost Car Keys". 

*****

On this date in 1989 an investigation began into Pete Rose alleged gambling on his own team. 

- When I worked in Cincinnati I had lunch with Pete one day... and he suggested we flip a coin over who would pay the bill. I lost! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

 

 

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Two upsets over the weekend... MSU losing to my alma mater Syracuse and especially Putin winning the Russian Presidential Election with 76% of the vote!!! 

- I didn't see THAT ONE coming.  

- At last... Pic above proves Trump-Russian Collusion!!!!!

*****

A rep for Matt Damon says the actor is NOT moving to Australia to protest Donald Trump's presidency. 

- Bringing the total number of the hundreds of celebs who threatened to leave the US if the Donald was elected to Zero. 

*****

A California man who won a $19 million Lotto Jackpot in 1998 has been convicted of 4 armed robberies. 

- Which just goes to prove even rich people need to have a hobby. 

*****

New research shows that people who work with their hands rewire their brains to feel happiness. 

- Which explains why Pee-Wee Herman is always smiling. 

*****

Scientists claims that soaps and shampoos made with lavender and tea tree oil can cause boys to develop "man boobs". 

- I don't buy it. Michael Moore doesn't shower and he needs a bra more than Dolly Parton. 

*****

Ford is introducing an App called Ready.Shop.Go. which will allow customers to search inventory, lock in a price, apply for financing, and schedule a test drive before they ever set foot in a dealership.

- It's so realistic, the app actually disappears off your phone for 10 minutes after telling you "I need to talk to my manager to get this great deal I'm offering you approved". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

 

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President Trump is being mocked for floating the idea of starting a "Space Force" that would patrol outer space. 

- I guess he figures a lot of people already think he's Darth Vader so why not go all the way? 

*****

74 year old "American Pie" singer Don McClean is dating a 24 year old. 

- He was spotted with his girlfriend driving his Chevy to the Levy... with his left turn signal on. 

*****

Disneyland is removing a scene from the "Pirates of the Caribbean" that shows "wenches" being auctioned off and replacing them with a female pirate selling loot. 

- In a related story... look for the upcoming film "Snow White Privilege and the Seven Dwarves Who Now Identify as Tall Boys". 

*****

Walmart announced that they'll roll out grocery delivery in a majority of American cities by 2018. 

- Finally! People will be able to stay home and grocery shop in their stretch pants! 

*****

Toys R Us announced that they will close their remaining 800 stores... ending an empire that started in 1957. 

- On a happy note, if you've been looking for a Malibu Dream House, it's a buyer's market! 

- Fights are already breaking out over "Going Out of Business" merchandise with women yelling "Lego my Legos!!!" 

*****

64 year old Kathy Lee Gifford, whose husband Frank Gifford died in 2015, says she's open to finding love with a man with a strong faith in God and has "his own teeth". 

- But I'm bettin' she'd settle for dentures if the guy happens to own a Winery. 

*****

An Oklahoma mom whose marriage to her biological Son ended in divorce is now headed to jail for marrying her Daughter.

- If her daughter forgets to get her mom-wife a Mother's Day Card... somebody's gonna be sleeping on the couch. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

 

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In the Free Press Today... 

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In other news...

Trump accuser and porn star Stormy Daniels has postponed tonight's appearance at a strip club in Detroit due to a bad case of "Strep Throat". 

- On a bright note, Strep Throat is the least contagious thing Stormy has had in the last 10 years. 

*****

Elon Musk announced that his first human-carrying rocket ships to Mars will begin operation early next year, but that chances are, "passenger's will die". 

- With a sales pitch like that, he's gonna save a ton of dough on advertising. 

*****

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says he's planning on investing his money in space travel. "Amazon Rockets" will begin arriving in space in 2020. 

- Or 2019 if they have Prime. 

*****

Stephen Colbert lost a beer chugging contest to New England Patriots QB Tom Brady on TV Monday night.

- Colbert took 3.5 seconds to drink his beer... which is the longest he's ever gone without telling a Trump joke. 

*****

A new study found that, instead of waiting for the traditional "Midlife Crisis",  more than 50% of Millennials between the ages of 25 and 35 are going through "A Quarter-Life Crisis". 

- The "Quarter" comes from between the cushions of the couch they're sleeping on in their parents basement.

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Richard Simmons, who sued the National Enquirer for claiming that he was "transitioning to womanhood", has been ordered to pay the paper $130,000 since a judge ruled the story "wasn't necessarily negative". 

- Tell that to Mrs. Simmons! No wait...

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RIP Stephen Hawking.... the brilliant physicist and author of "A Brief History Of Time" who has died at the age of 76. 

- Not to say I ain't smart, but I had a much easier time reading Marcel Marceau's book, "A Brief History of Mime". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

 

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