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RIP... Billy Graham the Christian Evangelist known as "America's Pastor" has died at the age of 99. After "finding God" in 1949, Graham went on to counsel a dozen U.S. Presidents & preached to an estimated 215 million people in 185 countries around the world - always with a positive message. 

*****

Three Team USA female figure skaters had a disastrous night last night, with each falling  during their opening jumps - ending up in 10th, 11th and 12th place. 

- Trump says it's not their fault and immediately ordered a bunch of baseball caps reading "Make Ice Rinks Less Slippery Again!"

*****

The Chinese government is cracking down on a new trend at funerals... Families are hiring strippers to ensure a bigger turn out and make the deceased seem more popular. 

- Nothing says "I'm sorry for your loss" like stuffing singles in a g-string. 

- So you can pay your respects and pay for a lap dance at the same time. 

*****

KFC has closed dozens of it's restaurants in Great Britain due to a shortage of chickens. 

- If they need Chickens, why not just get some from the French???

*****

The latest trend in Plastic Surgery is "Belly Button Augmentation" with women going under the knife to get "innies" to replace their "outies". 

- I'm confused. I thought being "out" was considered cool these days. 

*****

It's almost here!!!  The 31st Annual Salvation Army 16 Hour Radiothon benefiting the Bed & Bread Club is THIS FRIDAY - FEB. 23 on 760 AM WJR! That's less than two days away! The Bed & Bread Club is a truly astounding and vital program that feeds more than 4000 people a day and shelters almost 500 people a night. Everyday. 365 days a year! 

This year, the event will be held at the Emagine Theater in NOVI, from 6am to 10pm - with Yours Truly, Big Al, my daughters Jackie & JoAnne, and Kevin O'Neil hosting the last four hours. You can donate then or now, by calling 248-528-0760, go to @salmich.org or by texting the word BREAD to 91999.  

Please tune in... and more importantly, DONATE to this one-of-a-kind program that impacts the lives of so many people in our community! 

Have a great day and thanks for your support! 

- Dick

 

 

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Starlet Jennifer Lawrence who famously blamed last years Hurricanes on "Mother Nature's wrath over Trump's election" says she's taking a year off from acting to "Fix our democracy". 

- I don't know about you, but I feel like I can finally relax! 

*****

None of the N. Korean Olympians have won a medal yet... leaving them afraid that Kim Jong Un will imprison them like he did members of the World Cup Soccer team who "disrespected him" by losing a few years ago. 

- On the bright side, they may get lucky and he'll just kill them.

*****

A female NY Times writer is being called out for "body shaming" for an article that suggested women over 30 shouldn't wear tight yoga pants, but stick to sweats.

- We haven't seen this kind of history making journalism since Woodward and Bernstein broke Watergate. 

***** 

Michael Moore attended an Anti-Trump Rally organized by Vladimir Putin and the Russian Government... the same people he claims Trump colluded with to win the election. 

- I don't care what he does as long as HE doesn't wear tight Yoga pants and sticks to sweats. 

*****

A Sunday school teacher in Toledo was robbed at gunpoint in front of her students... by the Church's pastor and his daughter. 

- They stole her money & phone... then made a quick Exodus. 

*****

Lucky Charms made a shocking announcement: They're adding a new marshmallow to their cereal: A Unicorn. 

- There hasn't been this explosive an announcement in the cereal world since the introduction of Fiber One. 

*****

DON'T FORGET TO REMEMBER!!!!! 

The 31st Annual Salvation Army Radiothon benefitting the Bed & Bread Club is coming up THIS FRIDAY, FEB. 23rd! The 16 Hour Event is THE FUNDRAISER for the Bed & Bread Program that feeds more than 4000 men, women and children and shelters almost 500 people in Metro Detroit EVERY DAY, 365 DAYS A YEAR!!!! Tune in to WJR 760 AM from 6am to 10pm to hear the live broadcast! I'll be hosting the final fours hours along with Big Al, my daughters Jackie & JoAnne & Kevin O'Neil... plus we'll have special guest stars and some of my favorite "Best Of" cuts from my radio show. You can even donate RIGHT NOW by going to @salmich.org or calling 248-528-0760. That number again... 248-528-0760! As always, thanks so very much for your support! 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

 

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Welcome to Monday... and what a Monday it is! We're just five days away from the 31st Annual Salvation Army 16-Hour Radiothon befitting the Bed & Bread Program - coming up THIS FRIDAY, Feb. 23rd from 6am to 10pm. Today Jackie and I sit down around the old Purtan Dining Table for a special Pre-Radiothon Podcast to give you all the details of this amazing, life-changing feeding and sheltering program! The Podcast is short, sweet and gives you everything you need to know! Thousands of men, women & children in Metro Detroit rely on this program - and we rely on your donations to make it possible! Please take a few minutes to listen... you very well may end up changing a life! 

Thanks so much, have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick

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No blog today... With a heavy heart, we send out Love and Prayers to all those affected by the tragic High School shooting in Florida. 17 dead. Dozens fighting for their lives. Families devastated. AGAIN. Sadly, we've been here before. Far too many times. I can't help but wonder what has happened to our society. When did atrocious acts of mass violence on our own soil become a "go-to" solution for people who are mad or angry or upset?? There are those who claim it is strictly a gun control issue. Others point to a failed mental health system. I believe both play a part. 

In my day, the biggest thing you had to worry about was the class bully pushing you on the playground. Those were, indeed, "The Good Old Days".

I talked to Jackie earlier, as I do every morning, and she was a little less upbeat than usual.  I knew why. Like hundreds of thousands of parents, she dropped her son, Charlie, off at school this morning with a pit in her stomach. "I plastered a big smile on my face", she said. "But my heart was filled with angst as I watched him walk through the school's front doors. I mean, you just never know". 

While, as Americans, we don't let the fear of these kinds of unspeakable acts alter the way we live our lives, it pains me to the core that it is something that we even have to think about. I miss the days when we could send our kids to school, go to work, attend a concert or a movie without that nagging little feeling in the back of our minds. I miss the bully on the playground. 

-Dick

P.S. I'm leaving now to head downtown to go out on one of the Salvation Army Bed & Bread Trucks in preparation for the 31st Annual Radiothon a week from tomorrow, Feb. 23rd. We'll be serving up more than 4000 meals - like the Bed & Bread Program does EVERYDAY, 365 days a year. To support this vital program, just click on @salmich.org. 

 

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For the first time since 1945 Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday have fallen on the same day. 

- Not good news for women who waited all year for chocolate... which they unfortunately gave up for Lent. 

*****

KFC is giving away scratch-and-sniff Valentine's Day Cards. 

- Give one to your wife and she'll make sure you kick the bucket. 

*****

President Trump and First Lady Melania will reportedly share a romantic Valentine's Dinner at the White House. 

- Then he'll serenade her with his favorite song: "Let Me Call You Tweet-Heart".

*****

If you don't have time for Ash Wednesday services today, a church in Southfield is offering "Drive-Thru Ashes" so you don't even have to get out of your car. 

- Just don't expect the pastor to ask if "you want fries with that?". 

*****

A survey by Credit Karma found that 40% of Americans would rather go broke than gain weight. 

- The way the Stock Market has been acting erratically lately, they won't have enough money buy a Big Mac. 

*****

North Korea is keeping it's team of 200 Olympic Cheerleaders from defecting by holding their relatives hostage back home. 

- This explains the pom-pom routine that goes: "Give me a D!  Give me a K! Give me an M! Give me an F! What does it mean??? Don't Kill My Family!!!"

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

SAVE THE DATE!

  • 31st Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radiothon 
  • Friday, Feb. 23rd
  • 6am to 10pm live from the Emagine Theater in Novi
  • Broadcast on WJR 760 AM
  • I'll be hosting the 6pm to 10pm slot along with Big Al, my daughters Jackie & JoAnne and Kevin O'Neil
  • Special Guests & "Best Of" bits from my Radio Show
  • Your donations help feed and shelter hundreds of men, women & children in Metro-Detroit everyday, 365 DAYS A YEAR! 
  • You can even donate NOW by clicking on @salmich.org! 

 

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The local ABC TV station in Chicago is red-faced after they put up a graphic reading "P.F. Chang 2018" instead of "Pyongchang 2018" while an anchor read a story about the Olympics. 

- It was embarrassing, but to be honest, P.F. Chang's Kung Pao Chicken is Medal worthy.

- And "Tempura Calamari" sounds like the name of a Japanese Figure Skater. 

*****

It's Fat Tuesday! 

- The day set aside to gorge on Paczkis and binge watch "My 600 Pound Life". 

*****

The official portrait of former President Obama unveiled at the Smithsonian's National Portrait Gallery Monday has raised a lot of eyebrows; It looks like the artist gave him a 6th finger.  

- Which is most likely pointed at a nearby portrait of Donald Trump. 

*****

An Arizona women who went to sleep with a bad headache woke up with a British Accent. Doctors say it's a real medical condition called "Foreign Accent Syndrome".  

- The first documented case was a Ms. Meryl Streep. 

*****

RIP... Art Van Elslander, the founder of Art Van, has died at the age of 87. In addition to his furniture empire, Van Elslander was a well known philanthropist. 

- In a very classy move, Gardner White is flying all of it's "Greatest Sale In Our History" flags at half mast. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

DON'T FORGET... The 31st Annual Salvation Army Radiothon benefiting the Bed & Bread Program which feeds & shelters thousands of men, women and children everyday, 365 days a year, is one week from this Friday... Feb. 23rd! The 16-hour event will be held at the Emagine Theater in Novi and will be broadcast live from 6am to 10pm on 760 WJR AM! I'll host the last four hours along with Big Al, my daughters Jackie and JoAnne, & Kevin O'Neil. We'll also have some special guest stars and "Best Of" bits from my Radio show! I hope you'll tune in and give to this great cause! You can even donate NOW by going to @salmich.org! 

As always, Thanks!

-Dick 

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RED GERARD!!! Congrats to the 17 year old US Slope Style Snow Boarder who took the OLYMPIC GOLD over the weekend! What an AMAZING performance!!!

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CNN is taking heat for running a glowing piece on Kim Jong Un's baby sister (and head of North Korea's Propaganda Dept.) saying she is "stealing the show!" at the Olympics. 

- Politics aside, it's amazing that the same parents who produced her brother FATSO Jong Un, also gave us this Communist Cutie!  

*****

Mirai Nagasu became an overnight sensation by becoming the first American woman to land a triple axel at the Olympics. Tonya Harding landed one in a competition, but not the Olympics. 

- Tonya said, the hoopla surrounding Nagasu's achievement is just "a knee-jerk reaction".

*****

The #MeToo movement has spawned a cultural shift - with thousands of women expected to "pop the question" to their boyfriends this Valentine's Day. 

- It's about time SHE went to Jared! 

*****

A golf course in Oregon will soon give Golfers the options of renting Goats as their Caddies. 

- I don't know if this is gonna work. Most people golf to get away from the "Kids". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

IMPORTANT! The 31st Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radiothon that raises funds to feed more than 4000 people a day and shelter around 500 people a night - is less than two weeks away! It will be held on Friday, Feb 23, from 6am to 10pm LIVE from the IMAX section of the Emagine Theater in Novi. All 16 hours will be carried on 760 WJR AM. Big Al, Jackie and I will be manning the microphone for the final four hours as we take your donations for this incredible feeding and sheltering program! You can even donate now by going to @salmich.org. Thanks in advance for your support!!! 

-Dick 

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It's National Dry Bean Day! 

- The day when bean lovers everywhere toot their own horn. 

*****

Sports Illustrated is coming out with a special issue in support of the #MeToo movement... featuring naked female models with words of empowerment written on their bodies. 

- Yup. Nothing says "Don't Objectify Me" like the words "Don't Objectify Me" scrawled in magic marker on your bare boobs. 

*****

Police in Scotland successfully ended a 45-minute stand-off with a Tiger... after finding out it was a little girl's stuffed animal. 

- She won it at a fair and left it outside in her Scotland Yard. 

*****

An outbreak of the Norovirus and below zero wind-chills have the Olympics in chaos before they've even held the Opening Ceremonies.  

- On the bright side it's given rise to a new sport: Frozen Projectile Vomiting. 

***** 

A Florida college student says she was forced to flush her "Support Hamster" down the toilet after Spirit Airlines refused to let her furry friend "Pebbles" board the plane. 

- I feel bad for the hamster... But if someone needs a "Support Hamster"... THEY'RE the one who shouldn't be allowed to fly. 

*****

A new study found that 100 Germans every year die while... um... "pleasuring themselves". 

- Another 500 or so stop as soon as they go blind. 

*****

An elementary school in Staten Island, NY has cancelled it's "Daddy Daughter Dinner Dance" because it's "not inclusive" enough.

- Instead they'll have a "My Daddy Identifies as A Mommy Daughter Dinner Dance".

- Soon all weddings will be cancelled, because the guests don't feel as special as the Bride and Groom. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

NOTE: The 31st Annual Salvation Army Radiothon benefiting the Bed & Bread Club Feeding and Sheltering program is just two weeks from tomorrow, Friday, Feb. 23! The 16 hour event is the ONLY fundraiser of the year for this incredible program that feeds over 4000 people a day and shelters over 500 men, women & children every night. (They'll really be jammed tonight with upwards of 7" of snow expected!). It will be broadcast LIVE on WJR 760 AM from 6 in the morning until 10 that night... with Jackie, Big Al and I hosting the 6pm to 10pm slot! You can even donate NOW by clicking on @salmich.org. and I will let you know the phone number to call as soon as it's up and running! Thanks so much for your support! 

-Dick

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American Coney Island is bringing back last year's hit: "Paczki Coney's" for  Fat Tuesday next week. Each hot dog, covered in chili, mustard & onions snuggled in a sugary donut bun will set you back 5 bucks. 

- Just make sure you get it with a DIET Coke and you're good to go. 

- Fries are extra... but the Heart Attack is FREE! 

*****

Hooter's is trying to help singles mend their broken hearts by offering 10 free wings (with the purchase of 10) to anyone who brings in a pic of their ex and rips it up at the restaurant. 

- Ironically, most of the guys ex's dumped 'em because they went to Hooter's in the first place. 

*****

Kim Jong Un has sent 200 cheerleaders to the Olympics in matching red outfits. 

- They're good, but the Egyptian cheerleaders still make the best Pyramids. 

*****

The top Dem on the House Intelligence Committee, Trump-foe Adam Schiff was pranked by two Russian radio show hosts who called him last Spring and offered up naked pics of the Prez allegedly taken by a woman he slept with.

- In Russia, this is known as a "Putin Call".

- The guys were part of the morning show "Vlad Putin and Putin's People".  

*****

Barbra Streisand is in talks to star in a Netflix show about politicians. 

- The first episode will be called, "Bill Clinton: You Don't Bring Me Gennifer Flowers Anymore". 

*****

Two women claim that Richard Dreyfuss grabbed their butts backstage at a Broadway show in 2004 - and they've got pics.

- You can find out the whole story in the new movie, "Mr. Holland Groped Us".

*****

SAVE THE DATE! The 31st Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radionthon is just a little over two weeks away - on Friday Feb. 23rd! All 16 hours - from 6am to 10pm - will be broadcast LIVE on 760 WJR AM. Jackie, Big Al and I will be back behind the mics for the final four hours so I hope you'll tune in... and more importantly... Donate to the feeding and sheltering Bed & Bread Program! You can even donate NOW @salmich.org! Thanks!

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

 

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Are you ready for this?? Doritos is developing "Lady-friendly chips" for women who don't enjoy the loud crunch of traditional Doritos. 

- Just when women find their voice... Doritos is trying to Silence their snacks!

- Here it comes... The #MeChew movement.

- Okay, but they better not mess with my Cheetos!

*****

Investors are on edge after the Stock Market fell a whopping 1175 points yesterday. 

- There hasn't been that big a drop since Michael Moore's boobs hit the floor when he took off his Manziere. 

*****

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau took PC to new heights yesterday when he told a woman at a Town Hall Meeting to say "Peoplekind" instead of "Mankind" because it's "more inclusive". 

- He then left to give a speech in the Province of Person-a-toba. 

*****

The National Weather Service sent out a Tsunami Warning for the entire East Coast of the US this morning, but they forgot to mention that it was just a "practice test". 

- Sending out fake tsunami and missile warnings has become the "Ice Bucket Challenge" of 2018. 

*****

Officials in South Korea have called in almost 1000 military troops to take over for Olympic Security Staff members who have been sidelined with a virus causing intestinal distress. 

- It's so contagious, Athletes now have the chance to win Gold, Silver, Bronze and Porcelain. 

*****

The North Korean Olympic Hockey Team lost their first scrimage game against Sweden 3 to 1. 

- On the bright side, since they didn't lose an actual Medal Event, Kim Jong Un just maimed the players instead of killing them. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

DON'T FORGET! The 31st Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radiothon is coming up on Friday, February 23rd! It'll be broadcast live from 6am to 10pm on WJR 760 AM! Jackie, Big Al and I will host the last four hours. Hope you'll tune in and Donate! 

 

 

 

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Congratulations to the Eagles who toppled Tom Brady and the Patriots 41-33 to win Super Bowl LII. Incredbile game... but the Eagles were ON FIRE! 

- As were several cars in the streets of Philadelphia, thanks to tens of thousands of drunken fans. 

NOTE: Both Tom Brady, and Brandon Graham, the Eagles player who sealed the deal by knocking the ball out of Brady's hand BOTH PLAYED FOR MICHIGAN!!! 

*****

Social Media lit up as Giselle Bunchen was caught on camera chugging red wine during her husband Tom Brady's crushing defeat. 

- Feel as bad as you want for Tom... He lost, but he still got to go home with a tispy Super Model. 

*****

Snow and bitter temps caused scores of Metro-Detroit schools to close today. 

- Which worked out great: The kids were snowed-in this morning after their parents got plowed last night. 

*****

If you're one of the 14 million Americans skipping work today on what's known as "Super Sick Monday" beware: 33% of employers admit they'll ask for a doctors note to prove you've got the flu and not a hangover.

- Unfortunately, chances are good your Doctor called in sick with "the flu" too. 

*****

Fans of Prince were less than impressed with Justin Timberlake's gigantic Hologram tribute to the late Minnesota native claiming that Prince didn't even like the Timberman. 

- In other words, they were hoping for a giant screen shot of Janet Jackson's boob.

*****

Comedian Kevin Hart tried to jump onstage during the MVP presentation, then crashed the NBC broadcast set, grabbed a mic, admitted he was drunk, and dropped the "F" bomb on live TV before walking away. 

- This kind of thing never happens at the end of "The Masters" golf tournament. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

 

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CBS's "48 Hours" announced that Robert Wagner is now a "person of interest" in the drowning death of his then-wife Natalie Wood back in 1981. 

- Police say they won't interogate Wagner, but will bring him in for a "Hart to Hart". 

- "RJ" says he's okay with the murder allegations... he's just happy he's not being accused of sexual harassment. 

*****

California Congresswoman Maxine Waters is calling for TV stations to run a Parental Warning whenever Prez Trump appears on The Tube reading: "This may be may not be acceptable for children".

- In a related story, she wants every show on CNN marked "Must See TV!!!" 

- Trump Tweeted: "Maxine should be BANNED from being on TV... Except for Halloween!!! Scary!!!"

*****

Roseanne Barr admitted that she suffered from several nervous breakdowns during the 90’s.

- Finally... a Hollywood type who admits to breaking down mentally BEFORE Trump became President.

*****

Tom Brady claims the key to staying healthy is drinking half your body weight in ounces of water every day (in his case, 37 glasses) - but dieticians warn his hydration formula could kill an average person. 

- And it could turn Michael Moore into a Cruise Ship. 

*****

Michelle Obama told Ellen DeGeneres that the "mystery gift" that incoming First Lady Melania Trump gave her during the Innauguration last year was a "lovely frame". 

- And to return the kindness, in a nice gesture, the Obama's have been trying to "frame" the Trumps for colluding with the Russians ever since. 

*****

90-year-old Edward Gouin and 89-year-old Lena Gouin renewed their vows Saturday in celebration of their 70th Wedding Anniversary. 

- A family member said in keeping with tradition, the Blushing Bride "Married something old (her husband), and wore something new (Her left hip)". 

- The happy couple said the wedding night would have been "unforgetable" had either of them been able to remember it. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

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Tom Hanks has inked a deal to play "Mr. Rogers" in the upcoming biopic "You Are My Friend". 

- In related news, rumor has it that Harvey Weinstein in in talks to play "Mr. McFeely". 

*****

President Trump goes Prime Time tonight with his first official State of the Union Address. 

- The only thing we know for sure is that it will be a lot less political than last Sunday's Grammys. 

*****

84 year old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will NOT attend the 9pm Address. 

- Two reasons: One, she hates Trump. And two, there's a "Matlock" marathon on the Hallmark Channel. 

*****

Critics of the Prez are mocking him after tickets inviting guests to his speech had to be reissued after a misprint reading: "Address to the Congress on the State of the UNIOM."

- Trump Tweeted: "Spelling Error! Big Deal! What's all the Covfefe about??? SAD!"

*****

Amazon is getting into the health care biz, announcing it will create a more affordable option later this year. 

- And if you've got prime, you can get a Colonoscopy for FREE in just two days! 

*****

Piers Morgan told Kim Kardashian to "Put them away!" after she posted another topless shot of herself on Instagram. 

- In Kim's defense, she says she was just trying to show support for the "#MyTwo" movement. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

DON'T FORGET! This year's 31st Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon is coming up on Friday, Feb. 23rd, broadcast from A NEW LOCATION... the Emagine Theater in NOVI. You can hear all 16 hours LIVE on 760 AM WJR! 

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Los Angeles will reportedly make Hugh Hefner's old home - the Playboy Mansion - a "Historic-Cultural Monument" within 30 days. 

- Visitors will receive a map of the bedrooms and a free shot of penicillin. 

*****

Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA has died at the age of 91. 

- The burial has been put off by two weeks to give his undertaker time to figure out how to assemble the casket the family purchased from IKEA. 

*****

A study at a high school in NYC found that 83% of students admit to cheating on tests. 

- And of the 83%, 75% admitted they paid someone else to take the survey for them. 

*****

President Trump and rapper Jay Z are in a war of words with Trump reminding Z that Black unemployment is at an all time low, after Z criticized the Prez for his "S---hole" countries comments.  

- Kanye West joined the fight, tweeting that "Beyonce is responsible for the best Black Employment rate of all time!" 

*****

Airlines are complaining that more and more people are faking papers that document their pooches as "Support Dogs" so they can bring their furry friends into the cabin on flights. 

- This is how Greyhound got started. 

*****

An 89 year old woman whose been dubbed the "World's Oldest Supermodel" just became the face of a new line of Mascara. 

- Her husband is also a model, often appearing on the cover of the AAR-I-Get-Up-Ten-Times-A-Night-To-Pee Magazine. 

*****

SAVE THE DATE! The 31st Annual 16-Hour Salvation Army Radiothon benefiting the Bed & Bread Program is coming up on Friday, February 23rd! Details (including the NEW location) tomorrow! 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

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An overly excited contestant knocked "The Price Is Right" host Drew Carey off the stage after correctly guessing the price of a Treadmill.

- The is the first time a game show host has been injured since Pat Sajak sprained his wrist giving The Wheel "a final spin". 

- She took the "Come on Down" line a little too seriously. 

*****

A judge sentenced MSU gymnastic coach Larry Nassar to 40 to 175 years in prison for sexually abusing scores of young girls. 

- The way other prisoners treat predators like him, Nassar will be lucky to make it to lunch.

*****

A woman is claiming that magician David Copperfield drugged and sexually assaulted her back in 1988. 

- I'm pretty sure if he can make the Statue of Liberty dissappear, he can make this go away. 

*****

Cher took a swipe at WH Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders in a Tweet imploring her to "Stop dressing like a 'Sister Wife'" - a reference to the women who marry polygamists and wear "Little House on the Prairie" like clothing. 

- Hey Cher... at least Sarah WEARS clothing. 

*****

Scientists hosting an outdoor conference in Davos, Switzerland on the dangers of Global Warming, found themselves nearly buried beneath 6 feet of snow yesterday.   

- Nice to see them shoveling something other than predictions about The End of The World. 

*****

A cab driver in West Virginia turned in a man he unknowingly drove to and from a bank robbery after seeing the thief's pics on TV. 

- This is why you always take Uber to rob a bank! The driver won't turn you in, he'll just demand half the money you stole. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

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A Florida motorist was so drunk that he mistook a Bank of America drive-up lane for a Taco Bell and tried to order a burrito from a teller.

- Surprising, since most people think of Taco Bell as a gas station, not a bank.

*****

Rumor has it that Elton John is set to announce that he's giving up touring so he'll be available to drive his 5 and 7 year old sons to and from school. 

- He'll be the only guy in the pick up line wearing a Duck suit. 

*****

An unnamed "informant" has confirmed that there was a "Secret Anti-Trump Society" within the FBI during and after the election. 

- I think the most shocking part of this story is that they call it a SECRET Anti-Trump Society. 

*****

San Francisco has officially changed "Columbus Day" to "Indiginous People Day" in a nod to Native Americans who were here before America was "discovered". 

- No matter what they call it, it's still the best day of the year to get half-off a memory foam mattress. 

*****

A female railroad conductor in Canada has been fired for taking sexy pics of herself on the train tracks and posting them on social media. 

- Apparently she showed off a little too much of her Caboose. 

*****

Mexican Drug Lord "El Chapo" is asking a Judge not to sequester the Jurors during his upcoming trial, saying he promises "not to kill them". 

- Works for me!

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

 

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Sad news... 76 year old Neil Diamond has announced that he's been diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and has given up touring. He holds the record for the most sold-out concert appearances ever at the Palace of Auburn Hills. 

*****

Bill Cosby, who faces another sexual abuse trial this Spring, hopped on stage at a club in Philidelphia and did stand-up last night. 

- Luckily for the women in the audience, the drinks were "On the House" and not on Cosby's nightstand. 

*****

Speaking of being "Slipped a Mickey"... Congratulations to Minnie Mouse who finally got a Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame - 40 YEARS after her significant other!!! 

- No wonder she was spotted at one of the Women's Protest Marches over the weekend. 

*****

Actress Suzanne Somers admitted that she's a huge fan of President Trump... adding that by owning up to that, she's probably "committing career suicide". 

- I thought she committed "career suicide" when she did those ads for "The Thigh Master". 

*****

The NFL is coming under fire for rejecting a Veterans' Group Super Bowl ad encouraging players to stand up for the National Anthem. 

- So it's official: Football is no longer a game of inches, it's a game of politics. 

*****

The Governor of Hawaii says the reason it took so long to inform people that the recent missile alert was a false alarm was becasue he forgot his Twitter Password. 

- He should try using "Kim Jong Un" as his password... He wouldn't forget that one. 

*****

A Tsunami warning has been cancelled after an almost 8 point earthquake rattled Alaska overnight. 

- Experts say the quake was centered under an Alaskan Cruise Ship and was triggered when a vacationing Michael Moore hit the Midnight Buffet. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

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One of the big trends at Men's Fashion Week in Paris were thigh-high fur lined Ugg boots. 

- Now I know where the name "Ugg" came from. 

*****

It's day three of the Government Shut-Down... meaning "non-essential government workers" have the day off. 

- Isn't the term "Non-Essential Government Workers" redundant?  

*****

Stormy Daniels, the porn star who claims she slept with Prez Trump in 2006 kicked off her "Make America Horny Again" tour at a strip club in S. Carolina on Saturday. 

- And just like Trump, only 30% of the people approved of the her job performance on the poles. 

*****

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's kids "Saint" and "North" have a new little sister that their Mom and Dad named "Chicago". 

- They were gonna go with "Sally" but they didn't want her getting teased for having a weird name.  

*****

Over 2 million women participated in Women's marches around the country on Saturday, including Jane Fonda who spoke at a rally in Utah. 

- And then hawked her old work out videos off the back of a Viet Cong Anti-Aircraft Gun.  

*****

Some criticized Caitlyn Jenner for skipping the Women's March to vaction in Mexico instead. 

- Caitlyn tweeted, "YOU try Marching in size 14 Heels!"

*****

It's National ANSWER Your Cat's Questions Day. 

- And tomorrow is National ASK Your Cat a Question Day... for instance, "What's with the attitude???" 

*****

Have  a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

 

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In his new memoir, Nick Nolte claims Barbra Streisand fell in love with him and always 'wanted him naked' while filming The Prince of Tides.

- I mean take a look at that picture... Can you blame her?? 

*****

CNN was the big winner when President Trump announced his "Fake News Awards" yesterday... winning 4 out of 11 stories cited. 

- CNN claims they only won so many of the "Fakies" because the Russians colluded with Trump to affect the outcome. 

*****

Despite a clean bill of health from his physician, CNN medical analyst Sanjay Gupta declared Trump to be “borderline obese", said he "suffers from heart disease" and predicted he would have a heart attack in “3-5 Years”. 

- Trump immediately "predicted" that Gupta would be deported in "3-5 Months".  

*****

Amazon announced the top 20 finalist cities for its second headquarters this morning... and Detroit did not make the cut. 

- Luckily we'll get the rejection letter in just two days for FREE because Mayor Duggan has Prime. 

*****

The best-selling anti-Trump book "Fire and Fury" is going to be made into a TV series. 

- Alec Baldwin may play Trump, but producers can't decide whether to give the Steve Bannon role to Michael Moore or Rosie O'Donnell. 

*****

Experts say that a one-pound piece of the metal laced meteor that crashed in our area earlier this week could net a lucky finder a cool million bucks. 

- I don't usually pull out my metal detector, black socks & sandals until summer, but hey, when opportunity knocks! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

 

 

 

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Meteorologists believe the bright lights and big boom seen and heard a little after 8pm in Metro Detroit last night was a "Bolide" - a meteor that explodes in the atmosphere. 

- I just thought it was my neighbors finally doing the finale to the fireworks they've been setting off every night since the 4th of July. 

*****

Yesterday, the Prez's doctor said that despite eating a lot of McDonald's and KFC, Trump is in "excellent physical health" due to "genetics", and that he aced a mental competency test with a score of 30 out of 30. 

- And this guy should know... he's been Trump's Pediatrician since he got his very first booster shot. 

*****

Reporters asked questions including "Does he have a drug addiction?" and "Does the President wear dentures?". ("No" on both, btw).

- Trump immediately tweeted: "Now FAKE NEWS implying I have FAKE TEETH! SAD!"

*****

North and South Korea officially announced that their Olympic teams will March together under a united flag during next month's Opening Ceremonies. 

- There hasn't been a "relationship" so manufactured for the cameras since Michael Jackson married Lisa Marie Presley. 

*****

A 50-something Frenchwoman is on trial for seducing and poisoning 4 wealthy elderly men to get their cash.

- The gents said they knew they were being scammed, but did what comes naturally to Frenchmen: They surrendered.

*****

IKEA has a new ad in a Swedish newspaper that doubles as a pregnancy test. Women just have to "tinkle" on the ad and give it to the cashier who will announce the results.

- This gives a whole new meaning to "Clean Up in Aisle 3".

***** 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

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