1 Comment

Unknown-7.jpeg

Jussie Smollett turned himself in to Chicago Police early this morning and is being charged with “Filing a False Police Report” about his now infamous Hate Crime Hoax. It’s a FELONY and he could be facing YEARS in PRISON. Police say he did it because he “wanted to make more money” on his TV show “Empire” because he’s such a “great actor”.

- Well, seeing as he GOT CAUGHT, I guess he’s NOT that great of an actor, huh?

*****

This week marks the 38th anniversary of George Harrison being ordered to pay $587,000 for “Subconscious Plagiarism” by a court which decided that his song “My Sweet Lord” sounded like the Chiffons “He’s So Fine”. 

- I must be guilty of “Subconscious Stupidism” because I’ve listened to them both a hundred times and I just don’t hear it.

*****

A new report says that your phone and TV are tracking you, and political campaigns are listening in.

- It’s true! The other night I turned on “Dances With Wolves” and 5 minutes later I got a call from Elizabeth Warren.

*****

Harvey Weinstein has reportedly “come out of hiding”.

- His friends say we can expect him to be popping up everywhere.

*****

KFC in Singapore is offering the new “Zinger Fillet” - an Original Recipe Chicken fillet sandwiched between deep-fried Mac ‘n Cheese moulded into the shape of buns.

- If you’re looking to increase your cholesterol… this should be on your Bucket List.

*****

TOMORROW’S THE DAY!!! The 32nd Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon gets underway Friday morning! The entire event broadcast LIVE on 760 AM WJR from the lobby of One Campus Martius downtown starting at 6am.. I’ll be behind the mic from 2 to 4pm and 6 to 8pm along with Big Al, Jackie, Joe Noune and more of your Purtan’s People favorites. And it’s all to raise money to feed and shelter tens of thousands of Metro Detroiters EVERYDAY… 365 DAYS A YEAR! We encourage you to tune in or stop by… but most importantly, call in a Donation. You can even Donate RIGHT NOW by calling toll-free 833-725-4673. Any amount you can give will be so greatly appreciated and will have an immediate impact on our less fortunate neighbors. I was out on one of the Bread & Bread Trucks Tuesday and once again saw first hand the gratitude on the faces of those who were able to eat that day because of this amazing program. I’ll tell you more about it during the broadcast tomorrow! Did I mention you can Donate even NOW by calling 833-725-4673???

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday… Radiothon Day!

-Dick

1 Comment

1 Comment

Scientists estimate that this month's super-moon will be the biggest and brightest of the entire year.

- The last time this happened Michael Moore was standing outside and dropped his pants.

*****

The Fencing Federation in France now recognizes “Lightsaber Dueling” (as in Star Wars) as a Competitive Sport - that could eventually make it to the Olympics.

- Awesome! A whole new “weapon” for the French to lay down when they surrender.

- What’s next? Yoda for President??

*****

Some Democrat lawmakers in Oregon are trying to lower the voting age from 18 to 16 so “teens can have a say in their future”.

- I’m not sure kids who pick their Class President based on “Hot Dogs & Pizza for EVERYONE” in the High School Cafeteria should help decide America’s future.

*****

Singapore Airlines has been called out for having “secret cameras” embedded in passenger seats.

- Maybe they have the cameras to make sure you “stay seated until the Captain turns the seatbelt sign off”.

- If they want more exciting video they’d install cameras in the bathrooms during the “Mile High Club” Membership Drive.

*****

The Baltimore Fire Department has figured out what caused a fire inside a parking lot Port-a-Potty outside a stadium yesterday.

- Turns out the Port-a-Potty Fire was caused by a Gas Explosion!!!!

*****

The 32nd Annual Salvation Army Radiothon raising funds to feed and shelter thousands of needy Metro-Detroiters gets underway THIS FRIDAY!! As you know, the Bed & Bread Program is near and dear to my heart and is an absolutely VITAL program serving the less fortunate in our own backyard! The Radiothon will be broadcast from 6am to 8pm on WJR 760 AM - LIVE from the lobby of One Campus Martius in Downtown Detroit. Jackie, Big Al and I will host two time slots: 2 to 4pm and 6 to 8pm. We’d love you to tune in - but more importantly DONATE to this extremely worthy cause! Busy Friday? You can even call in your pledge RIGHT NOW by calling toll-free 1-833-725-4673! As they say… “Operators are standing by!” Thanks in advance and I’ll “see” you Friday!!!

-Dick

1 Comment

Comment

Unknown-2.jpeg

Anthony “Carlos Danger” Weiner was released from prison early and is now part of a court ordered “Re-Entry” program.

- He’s already signed a Pop-Up Book deal.

*****

Alec Baldwin says he’s fearing for his safety now that Trump has declared SNL an enemy of the people.

- Which is incredibly ironic because usually it’s everyone around Alec Baldwin who’s fearing for THEIR safety.

*****

According to police sources, new evidence suggests that Empire actor Jussie Smollet did indeed hire actors to orchestrate the “attack” against him.

- It’s all part of Smollett’s MFAGA movement… “Make False Accusations Great Again!”

- The cops want to question him about the new evidence… but he’s refused. It’s been 3 weeks now. Will this scam ever end???

*****

President Obama's 20-year-old daughter Malia has a secret social media account where she posted “Donald Trump is Evil.”

- I’m betting she'll change her mind when she turns 27 and has to start paying for Obamacare.

*****

Dolly Parton finally denied long-standing rumors that her lifelong friend Judy is actually her secret lover despite being married to her husband for 53 years.

- Well I’m glad she finally got THAT off her chest.

*****

DON’T FORGET! The 32nd Annual Salvation Army Radiothon benefiting the Bed & Bread Program is this Friday, Feb 22! The big event will be broadcast LIVE on 760 AM WJR from 6am to 8pm - with Jackie, Big Al and I manning the mics from 2 to 4pm and again from 6 to 8pm. The B&B Radiothon is THE fundraiser for this vital program that feeds and shelters thousands of men, women and children in our area 365 days a year! You can even donate RIGHT NOW by calling 833-725-4673 toll free! Thanks in advance for listening… and more importantly… DONATING! I’ll be out on one of the Bed & Bread trucks serving meals all day today!

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Comment

1 Comment

gator-ade.jpeg

It’s Presidents Day! The day we celebrate the Birthdays of three great Presidents: Lincoln, Washington & Belvedere.

*****

An ORANGE Alligator was spotted sunning himself on the bank of a river in South Carolina.

- He’s obviously a fan of Donald Trump… or eats too many Cheetos.

*****

77 year old Bernie Sanders has recorded a 2020 presidential announcement video but it hasn’t been released yet.

- He’s still driving around trying to find a Blockbuster store to give it to.

*****

Washington Police are looking for a man who robbed a convenience store in a giraffe costume.

- Police say the man goes by the name “Geoffrey”.

*****

Jose Cuervo is operating an ALL YOU CAN DRINK TEQUILA TRAIN in Mexico.

- This gives a whole new meaning to a train “Chugging Along”.

*****

Vladimir Putin was reportedly knocked down during a judo match with a Female Russian Olympian.

- Her funeral will be held later this week.

- The Beatles predicted this in their song “Vlad On His Back In the USSR”.

*****

REMINDER: The 32nd Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Radiothon that raises money to feed many thousands of Metro-Detroiters each year - takes place this Friday, Feb. 22. It will be broadcast LIVE from 6am to 8pm on 760 AM WJR. Jackie, Big Al and I will be hosting between 2 and 4pm and then again from 6 to 8pm! Hope you’ll tune in!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

1 Comment

1 Comment

9807298-0-image-a-34_1550141612789.jpg

Bill Cosby’s lawyer says Cosby’s wife Camille hasn’t visited him in jail, but has managed to convince him to give up something he’s been trying to give up for over 50 years: Coffee.

- Too bad she didn’t convince him to give up the “special drink” he gave his “dates”.

*****

Dozens of people from around the world are taking part in an international hair-freezing competition in Canada to see who can make the coolest hairstyle when their locks freeze solid in 5 degree weather.

- Their slogan is “Gee Your Hair Looks Horrific”.

*****

Not “in the mood” this Valentine’s Day? A TV “sex therapist” says “Post-Trump Sex Disorder” is causing people to feel “fear, loathing, and nausea” and not want to have sex.

- And that’s just Melania.

- Apparently she didn’t like the poem Donald wrote her:

“Roses are Red, Candy is sweet…

I didn’t buy you flowers… I sent you a Tweet!”

*****

Vegan activists in Britain will be allowed to stage 'last rites' ceremonies with cows headed to slaughter to tell them, "We love you, we are sorry".

- They even wrote the cows a Valentine poem: “Roses are Red, Violents are Blue… We apologize for killing you!”

*****

A Canadian man whose real last name “Assman,” was deemed “unacceptable” for a personalized license plate, emblazoned the word on the back of his truck instead.

- I wonder if Kim Kardashian’s husband Kanye West has ever run into this problem.

*****

It’s the 90th Anniversary of Al Capones’ “Valentines Day Massacre”.

- 90 years already? Wow! Time flies when you’re having fun!

- With the amount of shootings they have in Chicago isn’t EVERY DAY “Massacre Day”?

*****

The British Government says research shows the Nation’s average bra size has gone from 32B to 36DD in just six years.

- I wonder what Government Boobs were in charge of collecting this Vitally Important bra-measuring info?

- As Winston Churchill once said, “Never was so much owed by so many to so few”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

1 Comment

Comment

9760038-6699267-Apple_shaped_ice_casing_created_in_an_orchard_following_an_ice_s-a-24_1550052134006.jpg

A Michigan farmer discovered this “Ice Apple” hanging in his orchard this morning.

- No punchline… Just thought it was a cool picture!!

*****

This Valentine’s Day Hooters is offering free boneless chicken wings to single people who bring in a picture of their ex.

- Chicken Wings? Wouldn’t Chicken BREASTS be more appropriate??

*****

A newly released year-old video shows convicted Mexican drug lord El Chapo crying like a baby when he found out he would be tried in the U.S.

- It’s nothin compared to how he’s gonna cry during the “Spring Fling” at the Federal Prison.

*****

A study in the JAMA Journal of Medicine found that eating “ultra-processed foods” like cookies will accelerate your risk of early death.

- On the bright side, if you eat “Thin Mints” you’ll look terrific at your funeral.

*****

A group of Houston teenagers discovered a TIGER inside a vacant house after they went inside to smoke some weed. 

- Fortunately, they got out of the house before the Tiger got the munchies.

*****

Amazon has released a documentary that claims to have discovered proof that the Noah’s Ark story in the Bible is true. 

- If you order it, just like Noah’s Ark, the film comes with Two DVDs and Two Videotapes.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Comment

Comment

9722592-6695443-image-m-16_1549982873031-1.jpg

Chimpanzees used tree branches as a ladder to escape from a zoo in Ireland - the 2nd escape by Chimps in two weeks.

- When he heard the news the Zookeeper said, “Seriously? Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!”

*****

Martha Stewart posted pics of her newly organized bathroom on Instagram - including one that features a box labeled “Enema Kits”.

- Well, as Martha always says… being regular is “A Good Thing”.

*****

Farmers looking to breed their livestock can now use a new Dating App for cows called “Tudder”.

- This is great for cows who are tired of the whole “Meat Market” bar scene.

- “Tudder” is a great alternative for cows who haven’t had any luck on eHarMooNee.com.

*****

Two times as many people attended Prez Trumps rally in Texas last night than went to Dem. hopeful Beto O’Rorke’s event at the same time, leading Trump to say, “My rally is bigger than yours!”

- So apparently size DOES matter.

*****

Queen Elizabeth was spotted at a train station in England - about to hop a public train back to London.

- Proving once again that she may be a Royal, but she sits on the throne just like the rest of us.

*****

Democratic political insiders say that Joe Biden may be a weaker candidate than Hillary - but at 76 years old they believe he’s still the frontrunner for the Presidential Nomination.

- Wait a minute… isn’t this the same party that keeps complaining about “Old White Men” running everything??

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Comment

Comment

Unknown-8.jpeg

29 year old Democrat Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez is being mocked online for her “Green New Deal,” which aims to ELIMINATE AIR TRAVEL, REBUILD EVERY BUILDING IN AMERICA , and GIVE A YEARLY SALARY TO PEOPLE UNWILLING TO WORK.

…And they all lived Happily Ever After! THE END.

- And you thought Disneyworld was the Happiest Place on Earth.

*****

The anonymous source who leaked intimate texts between Jeff Bezos and his mistress to the National Enquirer was none other than her pro-Trump brother Michael.

- It wouldn’t be the first time a younger brother ratted out his big sister.

*****

Meanwhile Bezos says  he was being blackmailed by The Enquirer who threatened to publish a "below-the-belt selfie” he took -- unless he dropped his investigation of the tabloid.

- Those who have seen the pic say it’s one Amazon package that doesn’t deliver.

*****

IHOP unveiled it’s new half pancake-half pizza this weekend called the “Pankeeta”.

- Hey… Who doesn’t like Syrup on their Pizza??

*****

Last night’s Grammy’s opened with a 10 minute musical tribute to Dolly Parton.

- She was the first performer in history to bring 2 Golden Globes onstage at the Grammys.

*****

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi mingled with celebrities at a pre-Grammy party last night in LA.

- You couldn’t miss her, she was the only Grammy at the Grammys.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Comment

Comment

Unknown.jpeg

A British retailer is selling a new “Women’s Thong Bodysuit” - that has the thong part IN THE FRONT. 

- Personally I think they’ve got this whole thing ass-backwards. 

*****

A court will decide whether a dress code that requires the bottom one-half of the “anal cleft” to be covered violates the Civil Rights of a bunch of Bikini-Clad Baristas who work at the “Hillbilly Hotties” coffee chain.

- Anal Cleft? Huh?

- Let me repeat… I think they’ve got this whole thing ass-backwards.

*****

A Tweet by Nancy Pelosi’s daughter indicates that her mom’s applause at Trump’s State of the Union was “Sarcastic”: Christine Pelosi said it reminded her of the look her mom used to give her when she was growing up that meant: "She knows. And she knows that you know. And frankly she’s disappointed that you thought this would work. But here’s a clap.”

- Huh?

- Looks like this was both a Clap and a Slap at her mom.

- I thought Nancy was just trying to “Clap Off” the lights in the chamber during Trump’s speech. (Remember the TV Commercial? “Clap On! Clap Off! The Clapper!”)

*****

A Florida woman is facing a domestic battery charge after allegedly hitting her boyfriend in the face with a frozen pork chop last weekend.

- He went to the hospital with a Blackened Rib Eye.

*****

A video has resufaced of Joy Behar admiting on The View in 2016 to dressing as a “beautiful African women” at a Halloween party and wearing make up “that was a little bit darker than my skin”.

- Apparently including the word “Beautiful” in her description means she doesn’t have to apologize or resign.

*****

Honeybees can learn to add and subtract, according to research showing that while the insects have tiny brains, they are still smart.

- You know… Kind of like the Kardashians… Only without the “Smart” part!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Comment

Comment

Unknown-7.jpeg

Elizabeth Warren has apologized for the second time in a week after a State Bar of Texas registration card from 1986 emerged on which she hand-wrote her race as “American Indian”.

- Warren said “I don’t remember filling out that card. Honest Injun!”

*****

This weekend the Boy Scouts of America made history by establishing its first all-girl troop. 

- FYI: There’s already a name for an all-girl Boy Scout Troop. I believe it’s called “The Girl Scouts”. 

*****

Tired of chicken and beef? Chefs are trying to diversify their menus by using SQUIRREL MEAN in pancakes, casseroles and even lasagna.

- I’ve always loved my pancakes with nuts… preferably after the squirrel has spit them out. 

*****

The latest Health Fad??? It’s Breathing!!! According to “experts” we’ve been doing it all wrong all along and need to be taught how to do it right.  

- Call me crazy but I didn’t realize that “breathing” was a “fad”.  

*****

A lock of George Washington’s hair sold for $35,000 at an auction.

- Meanwhile a lock of President Trump’s hair was swept up off the floor by his Barber at Super Cuts.

*****

Charlie Sheen has cut $1.5 million from the price of his Beverly Hills bachelor pad. 

- This is what happens when you describe the Master Bedroom as “Previously Enjoyed”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Comment

Comment

images-2.jpeg

Washington DC is all atwitter about Trump’s State of the Union Address tonight.

- And by all atwitter I mean all a “TWITTER”.

*****

His address will be followed by the Democrat response which will be given by Georgia’s Stacey Abrams.

- Chuck and Nancy were going to give the rebuttal again… but after the publics reaction last time, they decided against it.

- Too bad. I was really looking forward to seeing the “Two Angry Farmers” again.

*****

In a new Podcast called “Crimetown”… Kwame Kilpatrick says he can’t believe he got sent to prison for lying about his affair with Christine Beatty.

- Memo to Kwame: That’s NOT why you got sent to the slammer.

*****

A new employment survey found that 32% of Millennials admit to working while they’re in the bathroom.

- That’s not what teenage boys did in the bathroom when I was growing up!

*****

Women’s brains are nearly four years younger than men’s according to scans by US researchers.

- Upon hearing this women replied, “Tell us something we don’t already know”.

*****

After months of rumors, it’s been confirmed that for the first time in 30 years the Academy Awards will not have a single host - but will have 13 different “presenters” instead.

- Here’s an idea… Why not make everyone happy and have Meryl Streep host and present the awards in 13 different accents?

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Comment

Comment

Unknown.jpeg

The Patriots beat the Rams 13 to 3 last night with Tom Brady earning his record-breaking 6TH Super Bowl Ring in a game that many are calling a real snoozer.

- Unlike the Saints/Rams game where the only ones sleeping were the Refs.

*****

Some on Social Media are angry that Halftime performer Adam Levine of “Maroon 5” got away with taking his shirt off - but Janet Jackson got in trouble for “Nipplegate” with Justin Timberlake.

- Is it just me or are they comparing Apples and Oranges here?? Pastie covered ones at that. Some people always find SOMETHING to complain about.

*****

Speaking of which… Hyundai had to apologize on Social Media for their Super Bowl ad which equated attending a Vegan dinner party with having a root canal - which PETA called “Vegan Shaming”.

- I’ll be honest. If you invite ME over and serve a “BEETLOAF” - I’m going to shame you.

*****

Virginia Governor Ralph Nordham took back his apology for appearing in a Medical School yearbook photo in blackface - now claiming it was wasn’t him. But he admits to wearing blackface in the ‘80’s as part of a Micheal Jackson costume.

- That’s offensive! Everyone knows Michael Jackson’s face wasn’t really black.

*****

A study by Ticketmaster found that NFL fans spend 46 hours a month thinking about their team.

- Except Lions fans who spend 46 hours a month binge-watching “The Biggest Loser”.

*****

A 27 year old man - who says he is an “Anti-Natalist” is planning to sue his parents for giving birth to him 'without his consent'.

- His parents admitted was “unplanned”, but when Push comes to Shove what are ya gonna do?.

- His mom is now counter-suing him for the birth calling it “Unlawful Breaking and Exiting”.

*****

President Trump told CBS that he doesn’t want his son Barron to play football because of the risk of dangerous head injuries.

- Instead, he wants Barron to participate in a Safer sport… like having a Pi==ing contest with Nancy Pelosi.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Comment

Comment

Unknown-2.jpeg

BRRRRRR… How cold is it???

It’s so cold the Kardashian sisters are wearing Underwear.

*****

According to a new law in Iran it’s now illegal to walk your dog in public or take it for a ride in the car.

- Apparently the dogs barking was covering up all the “Death to America” chants by the Ayatollahs.

- Let me get this straight… You can’t dress your Dog in a Burka (or is that a Barka??) and go outside anymore?

*****

Jeff Bezos’ is trying to find out how the racy text messages he sent to his girlfriend ended up in The National Enquirer. He’s convinced the leak was “politically motivated”.

- I’m thinking the leak came from his girlfriend and was motivated by “Something in His Pants”. (Like $140 Billion for starters).

*****

KFC is test marketing a new Fried Chicken & Cheetos Sandwich with a special Cheetos flavored Cheese Sauce.

- I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to mess up my diet by adding Cheetos to a perfectly healthy Fried Chicken Sandwich.

*****

A Democrat porn star is ending her long shot 2020 bid to “Make America F---ing Awesome Again” after her campaign failed to get off the ground.

- Because she failed to get out of bed to promote it.

- Her slogan “Hope & Change-for-a-Twenty You Can Believe In” just didn’t catch on.

*****

50 percent of Americans say they get in fights while playing Monopoly… compared with only 18 percent of people who play Scrabble.

- There’s a word for people who fight during Scrabble, but I can’t give it to you because I’m all out of vowels.

- Speaking of “Community Chest”… Madonna is said to be a big fan of Monopoly.

*****

In an effort to provide more fertilizer for State run farms, Kim Jong Un has ordered each resident of North Korea to hand over 3 tons of “human waste” each month.

- I say Lil Kim should have to go first. He looks like he’s carrying around 3 tons of something.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Comment

Comment

Unknown-2.jpeg

Due to today’s wind chills there are a lot of local closings. Among them:

Bob’s Boob & Lube Bar and Topless Oil Change is shut down due to a frozen dip stick.

Our Lady of Perpetual Procrastination has postponed all classes until Thursday. Or maybe Friday.

*****

Tyson is recalling 35,000 pounds of Chicken Nuggets because they contain pieces of rubber.

- The recall only applies to Frozen Nuggets. Then again, with this weather… everybody’s Nuggets are Frozen.

*****

An old video of a shirtless Bernie Sanders drunkenly singing with a group of Soviets during his honeymoon in the USSR has been leaked on the internet.

- And by “leaked” they mean Hillary released it.

*****

Turns out that when you call someone using “FaceTime” on your iPhone, you can LISTEN IN on them… EVEN IF THEY DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE.

- At this point the only people NOT listening to anything you say are your kids.

*****

A study found that 7 out of 10 children spend more time online than they do with friends.

- Read all about it in the book “Charlotte’s Website”.

*****

PRO - a magazine for Port-a-Potty businesses says those who operate the “Johnny-on-the-Spots” can suffer from low self-esteem and anxiety.

- Experts recommend deep breathing. But not until they leave work.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Comment

Comment

Unknown-1.jpeg

26 year old Rapper Cardi B has offered to give the Democrat Rebuttal to President Trump’s State of the Union Address.

- This girl obviously has a Graduate Degree from the School of EGO-nomics.

*****

A three year old boy who was missing in the woods for two days says a “friendly bear” kept him safe by keeping him company while he slept.

- The boy said the Bear wasn’t Too Hard or Too Soft… He was Just Right!

- This story gives me the Warm Fozzies.

*****

A gay male couple has welcomed a set of twins who have the same mother but two different dads, after both men were able to fertilize a surrogate woman’s embryo during artificial insemination. Bottom line: The Twins are actually half-siblings.

- This kind of makes the whole Bruce/Kaitlyn Jenner thing seem like a walk in the park doesn’t it?

*****

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz sez he’s running for President as an Independent because both parties have shown no concern for the national debt.

- Nobody knows more about the national debt than the man who charges six bucks for a cup of coffee.

*****

A Florida Taco Bell was shut down after a customer walked in with a World War II grenade he’d found while out fishing.

- Usually the explosion comes after the customers have actually EATEN at Taco Bell.

*****

A Connecticut driver was arrested for driving while under the influence of VANILLA EXTRACT.

- He was charged with “Baking & Entering”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Comment

Comment

Unknown.jpeg

President Trump says he’ll postpone his State of the Union Address until the Government Shutdown is resolved after Nancy Pelosi vowed to block his speech in front of Congress which is actually within her power.

- These two are like your crazy and Aunt and Uncle who can’t stand each other but keep showing up to wreck your Thanksgiving Dinner.

*****

According to insiders - the ongoing feud between Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift has come to end.

- Finally! Our long National nightmare is over.

*****

Nathan Phillips, the American Indian who lied about serving in Vietnam and falsely accused the group of Covington Catholic High School boys of racially bullying him told NBC that he “forgives” the boys.

- “FORGIVES THEM”??? FOR WHAT???

- Can’t wait to hear what Elizabeth Warren has to say about her fellow Tribal Elder.

*****

Some bizarre and embarrassing interviews have some people thinking that President Trump’s attorney Rudy Giuliani may be drinking before going on TV.

- Well wouldn’t you??

*****

Pete Buttigieg, the Mayor of South Bend, Indiana says he’s running for President in the hopes of becoming the first openly gay Commander in Chief.

- No word on who would be in his Cabinet” but he said it will be filled with all the ingredients you need for a Brunch that’s “To Die For!”

*****

A company is selling boxes of pre-used tissues that contain contain cold and flu germs that will allegedly build up your immune system and keep you from getting sick. The cost? $80 a box.

- 80 bucks is nothing to sneeze at.

*****

Chelsea Clinton revealed that she’s pregnant with her third child.

- Bill and Hillary are thrilled! He’s already handing out cigars and she already got the baby it’s own email server!

*****

Alec Baldwin has to pay $120 and attend ONE anger management session after pleading guilty to punching an NYC man over a parking space.

- Sending Alec to ONE anger management class is like sending Michael Moore to one Weight Watchers meeting.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

Comment

Comment

Unknown-6.jpeg

The officials who blew the call Sunday allowing the Rams to beat the Saints were moved to a different hotel because of threats against them.

- The refs said they didn’t see what all the fuss was about. Then again, there’s a LOT of stuff they don’t see.

*****

A Pennsylvania woman is under arrest after she stole a baby kangaroo from a petting zoo, stuffed it into her Honda and told cops she wanted to take it to Florida.

- The Kangaroo said, “Why the car? Why not just Hop a flight?”

*****

The rocket company headed by Jeff Bezos will launch its unmanned rocket into outer space today.

- Let’s see… Bezos is having an affair that’s gonna cost him 70 BILLION DOLLARS… I’m thinking he’s already IN outer space.

*****

Boeing says it has successfully completed the first test flight of a prototype for its “Driverless Passenger Air Taxi” which could start carrying riders as early as next year.

- And to make it realistic it comes with that delightful “Taxi Cab Smell”.

*****

More and more Millennials are opting out of having a Primary Care Doc and using Urgent Care instead because they don’t want wait for an appointment.

- Wait’ll they find out they have to wait nine whole months to get a baby.

*****

Theater-goers in Paris stripped naked for a performance of a new play called “Nude & Approved”.

- Critics said this changes the old showbiz expression from “There are No Small Parts… Only Small Actors”, to “There are not only Small Actors… There are Plenty of Small Parts!”

- If you’re headed to Paris, look for their upcoming production of “Back Side Story”.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

Comment

1 Comment

sei_48586835-de33.jpg

Sports Illustrated announced that they will not publish the annual February Swimsuit edition until May. 

- This is why I belong to the “Fur-Lined Bathing Suit of the Month Club” to go along with my Fur-Lined Underpants.

*****

Turns out that an Ancient Stone Circle authenticated as being 3500 to 4500 years old by the Scottish Archeological Society was actually built by a local farmer in the 1990’s. But that didn’t stop a spokesperson from saying, ‘It’s obviously disappointing to learn of this development, but it also adds an interesting element to its story.”

- This guy can spin the news better than Trump and Pelosi.

*****

Meanwhile… The city of Montreal has cancelled it’s annual “Winter Festival” because it’s “too cold and snowy”.

- Will “Global Warming” never end?? 

*****

California Senator Kamala Harris announced that she’s making a run for the White House in 2020.

- 2,020 also happens to be the number of Democrats who have announced they’re running against Trump.

*****

A study by Mattress Firm found that Americans have 99 terrible nights of sleep each year.

- Only 99 bad nights of sleep a year?? In my Dreams! I get 99 bad nights of sleep every 99 nights!

*****

Pope Francis has launched a Free app called “Click to Pray” that allows the world’s 1.3 billion Roman Catholics to join him in prayer.

- So now you can use your Smartphone to post racy naked selfies on Instagram first… and then pray for forgiveness with the Pope later.

*****

29 year old Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez says it’s “Immoral that Billionaires are allowed to exist” and that “the world will, like, end in 12 years” because of Climate Change.

- Just what this country needs! A socialist who talks like a Valley Girl.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

1 Comment

2 Comments

Unknown-1.jpeg

It’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day… and BABY… IT’S COLD OUTSIDE!!!

- Days like this are the reason I belong to the “Fur-Lined Underpants of the Month Club”!!!

*****

President Trump addressed the nation on Saturday and offered to end the shutdown by making a deal with the Democrats. But Nancy Pelosi said his offer is not gonna fly with her party.

- And if anybody knows about “not flying” it’s Nancy Pelosi.

*****

Tom Brady was so excited about heading to his ninth Super Bowl after Sunday’s epic 37-31 overtime win against the Kansas City Chiefs he dropped the F-bomb on live TV… saying he feels “Un-F—ing-believable”.

- What would REALLY be “Un-F-ing-believeable” would be the LIONS making it to the Super Bowl.

*****

97 year old Prince Phillip was pulled over by London Police for not wearing a seatbelt just 48 hours after he crashed his Land Rover into another vehicle.

- At His age, the Prince should be wearing a seatbelt even when he’s sittin’ on the Throne!

*****

The world’s oldest man has died at his home in northern Japan at the age of 113.

- Is it just me or does it seem like people named the “World’s Oldest Person” always end up dead a week later??

- See kids… This is what happens when you don’t take care of yourself.

*****

An archeologist in Egypt says he’s on the verge of discovering the tomb where Antony & Cleopatra were buried after their joint suicides.

- Aren’t you supposed to actually FIND the thing you're looking for before you make the announcement? I’d say he’s doing this Asp-Backwards.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

2 Comments

1 Comment

Unknown-3.jpeg

A friend of Jeff Bezos' new girlfriend Lauren Sanchez says Mr. Amazon would be “stupid” to marry Sanchez… who’s been engaged four times, married once and cheated repeatedly.

- Sounds like Bezos traded the “Girl Next Door” for one who has “Been Around the Block”.

*****

A construction firm in Chicago is building an 800 foot high skyscraper made entirely of wood.

- The architects read a lot of books in preparation for the project. Unfortunately “The Three Little Pigs” wasn’t one of them.

*****

The wife of a furloughed Federal Worker won $100,000 in the Virginia lottery Saturday and says she plans to take her family to Disney World for a week.

- And if she thinks 100 grand is going get her a whole week in Disney World, she really IS living in Fantasyland.

*****

A tanker truck in Arizona overturned spilling 3500 gallons of melted chocolate onto the freeway.

- If only it had happened over the weekend they could have had a Hot Fudge Sunday on their hands.

*****

According to a new book, Eva Braun never had sex with HItler because she suffered from a rare gynecological condition that would have made it extremely painful.

- Maybe that’s why he was so mean.

*****

25 year old Rapper Cardi B made headlines by Tweeting a profanity-laced message that says the Government shutdown “scares her”.

- It “scares me” that a tweet by a 25 year old rapper is considered “news”.

*****

Students at THE Ohio State University can now get pizzas with just the touch of a button thanks to a new high-tech pizza ATM.

- It’s perfect for Buckeye Football players who get hungry waiting for the girl they hired to finish their term papers.

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

1 Comment