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It's Presidents Day! The day we honor George Washington and Abraham Lincoln by closing Banks and Post Offices. And retailers honor Bill Clinton by offering Mattresses at 1/2 Off. 

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A study by McMaster University in Canada found that exercising for 30 minutes a week on a staircase can be just as beneficial as going to the gym 5 days a week. 

- The hard part is attaching the treadmill and stationary bike to your staircase. 

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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he ate meatloaf during his recent visit to the White House because President Trump ordered him to eat it. 

- Right... Like Chris Christie has ever had to be "ordered" to eat anything. 

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George Michael's funeral has been postponed again so doctors can perform more tests on his body. 

- Some say they'll never figure out his cause of death, but doctors say "You've Gotta Have Faith". 

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Coleman Young Jr. announced plans to follow in his father's footsteps and run to become the next Mayor of the City of Detroit.

- Apparently the Kruggerand doesn't fall far from the Tree. 

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And how about this for a segue? Coleman Young Senior may be deceased, but he'll be one of the many guests stopping by this Friday during the 30th Annual Salvation Army Radiothon benefiting the Bed & Bread Club! The 16-Hour event will be broadcast LIVE from 6am to 10pm on 760 AM WJR from the Emagine Theater in Royal Oak THIS FRIDAY, February 24th. I'll be hosting the 6PM to 10PM slot along with all of "Purtan's People"! This is THE fundraiser for the Bed & Bread program that feeds many thousands of Men, Women and Children in Metro-Detroit EVERY DAY, 365 Days a year... and shelters almost 500 people every night. I hope you'll tune in on Friday, and more importantly, I hope you'll donate! You can even do it now by calling 248-528-0760 or go to salmich.org. Whatever you can give will be greatly appreciated! 

Thanks so much! 

-Dick

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Welcome to Thursday and Podcast #213! With the 30th Annual Salvation Army Radiothon for the Bed & Bread Club just a week away, Jackie and I welcome Dale Johnson to the Purtan Family Dining Room Table. Dale's been my right-hand man for the Big Event for three decades! We give you all the details... and touch on a few other topics as well, including how Garbage Day has helped keep me on track during my "retirement", and how Jackie's 15 year old son Charlie has made it 6 months into High School without ever going to his locker. 

Now just in case you don't have time to listen to the Podcast right now... here are some crib notes on the 16-Hour Radiothon: 

* Friday, February 24th 

* Broadcast LIVE on 760 WJR AM from 6am to 10pm from the Emagine Theater in Royal Oak

* I'll be hosting the 6pm to 10pm slot along with Big Al, Jackie & all of "Purtan's People"

* The Radiothon raises money for the Bed & Bread Club which feeds THOUSANDS of men, women and children in Metro Detroit EVERY DAY, 365 DAYS A YEAR. 

* You can even donate NOW by calling 248-528-0760 or by going to salmich.org or wjr.com 

As you know, The Bed & Bread program is near and dear to my heart... and anything you can afford to give will be greatly appreciated! 

Have a great day and I'll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick

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A German Shepherd named "Rumor" took "Best in Show" honors at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night. 

- President Trump was pulling for what he called, "The stronger Border Collie".

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Meanwhile Trump accused U.S. Intelligence Agencies of leaking classified info to the press "like candy" amid allegations that his campaign had ongoing contact with the Russians before Election Day. 

- Trump denies contact with the Russians, but then mistakenly tweeted that he was "Putin all his efforts into Making America Great Again". 

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The New York Times reprimanded a reporter for calling First Lady Melania Trump a "Hooker". 

- From now on, the reporter will be required to refer to her as "The President's Escort". 

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Colombian authorities estimate vast amounts of cocaine were smuggled out of their country in Valentine's Flowers, leading to women getting coke-laced bouquets.  

- Roses are Red, Violets are Blue... If your wife Snorted her flowers, She got one too!

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Firefighters in Great Britain had to free 102 people from handcuffs due to a rise in "Fifty Shades of Grey" fantasies on Valentine's Day. 

- Proving that the Key to successfully using handcuffs during sexy-time is remembering where you put the Key. 

*****

A study by the Champion Newspaper found that there are over 140 languages spoken in one Georgia school district. 

- And not one of them is English. 

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Kim Jong-Un's half-brother was poisoned and killed by female assassins in Malaysia. 

- Nice to see KJU is giving more high level jobs to Women! 

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REMINDER: Our 30th Annual 16-Hour Salvation Army Radiothon for the Bed & Bread Club is a week from Friday, Feb. 24th! This is the yearly event to raise funds to feed many thousands of people in Metro-Detroit, everyday - 365 days a year. It will be broadcast live from the Emagine Theater in Royal Oak all day on 760 WJR AM. I'll be doing the 6pm to 10pm portion, along with all of "Purtan's People". The donation line is open even now... Just call 248-528-0760 or go to salmich.org. 

Thanks so much and have a great day! 

-Dick

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It's Valentine's Day! The Day first made famous when Marcel Marceau thought outside the box and sent his girlfriend some candy hearts reading "Be Mime".

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A survey by the National Retail Federation found that 55% of Americans will take part in Valentine's Day today. 

- The other 45% will be tossed a pillow by their wife and told to go sleep on the couch.  

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Burger King in Israel is offering "Adult Meals" today... which include two Whoppers, two Fries, two Beers and a Sex Toy. 

- If the promotion works, a few years from now, those same customers will be over at McDonald's ordering a "Kid's Meal". 

- Sex Toy or not... chances are if you take your Valentine to Burger King the luckiest you're gonna get is if they get your order right. 

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Former President Obama has set up a non-profit organization that aims to combat Donald Trumps attempts to undo his legacy. 

- It's called "Make the Obama Presidency Great Again". 

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Just in time for Valentine's Day... Playboy Magazine announced that they're bringing Naked pics back following a steep decrease in sales.  

- I'm shocked! You mean people DON'T really just read it for the articles??? 

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The New York Times is criticizing "Saturday Night Live" for attacking Donald Trump to the point of exhaustion. 

- Pot... I'd like you to meet Kettle. 

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A team of researchers in Saudi Arabia have create a self-destructing phone that can explode in ten seconds so your personal information isn't compromised. 

- Hillary Clinton said, "Would it have killed you to come up with a self-destructing email server a few months ago?" 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Aretha Franklin announced that after a few live performances for her new album next fall, she'll be retiring from giving concerts. 

- She's had a brilliant career... and I say "Hat's off to her!" 

- Aretha's exact quote was "R-E-T-I-R-E-D... That is what I plan to be! Sock it to me...Sock it to Me... Sock it to me..."

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Kwame Kilpatrick's lawyer has filed a motion to have the Kwaminator's $1.6 Million restitution to the city of Detroit reduced or eliminated because it was based on faulty math. 

- If good math had been used, that number would be a lot higher. 

- This makes me nostalgic for a song we wrote and used to play on my radio show: "Super-Cali-Fraga-Kwame-Pay-Your-Restitution!"

*****

Disney announced that it's Star Wars theme parks are set to open in 2019.

- Which is great because it gives Trekkies a full two years to try and find a girl willing to go out in public with them. 

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The latest sequel to "Fifty Shades of Grey" hits theaters today. It's called "Fifty Shades Darker".

- It tells the story of George Hamilton's love affair with a Tanning Booth. 

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A new study found that the average employee spends two hours of their work day talking or reading about politics. 

- Researchers thought the workers were "informed" until they realized they spent those two hours on Facebook. 

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Wikipedia has barred the "Daily Mail" from being cited as a reliable source by it's volunteer editors because they claim it makes up stories.  

- Or as Kellyanne Conway called them, "alternative facts". 

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Judy Garland's ex-husband claims she was assaulted by several actors who played Munchkins in "The Wizard of Oz". 

- The Cowardly Lion reportedly knew about it, but didn't have the Courage to say anything. 

- If it's true, we now know where the line "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" came from. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

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Willie Nelson has cancelled three recent concerts due to health concerns. 

- Apparently he's suffering from Joint pain. 

- Doctors are Weeding through his symptoms to come up with a diagnosis. 

*****

An Etiquette expert says that posting pictures of what you're having for dinner and putting up romantic relationship milestones make you look "common" in the social media world. 

- Fortunately, it's still okay to put up pics of your cat wearing a Donald Trump wig. 

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Leaks from the White House claim that President Trump called and woke up a Military Advisor for economic advice in the middle of the night. 

- He should have called Hillary. She said she'd always be ready to take a call at 3am.  

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Scientists claim that listening to your favorite song releases the same "feel good" chemicals in your system that having sex does. 

- This finally explains why some people feel randy when they hear "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald". 

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A study out of Finland found that pregnant women who eat black licorice give birth to babies with lower IQ's. 

- And expecting women who eat Snickers give birth to kids with a better sense of humor. 

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A new app called Data-Dress would allow a fashion company to access the info on your phone and use it to design a dress based on how you live your life. 

- The best part is they'll have access to your financial info so they'll know how much to charge you. 

*****

The man who is the current favorite to become the next President of France is being accused of having a affair with a Man, despite being married to a Woman for ten years. 

- They don't call it "Gay Paree" for nothing. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

 

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Queen Elizabeth marked 65 years on the throne yesterday. 

- And she celebrated by declaring it "National Preparation H Day". 

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President Trump reportedly left his own Super Bowl Party early and didn't see the Patriots win with their epic comeback. 

- A similar thing happened to Hillary Clinton when she went to bed early on Election Night. 

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Hawaii is considering a bill that would legalize Prostitution. 

- I thought those lei's they give everyone when they get off the plane were Complimentary. 

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A group at the University of Central Florida has organized a "Fight Club" designed to teach liberal students how to beat up Republicans on campus. 

- But participants still go home on the weekends to have Mom do their laundry. 

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A new study found that Meditation is more effective than prescription drugs at treating anxiety. 

- But most people can't relax enough to meditate unless they pop a Xanax. 

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Showbiz insiders say Lady Gaga's Super Bowl performance has reignited her career. 

- Awesome! So now she can trade her Sirloin dress in for one made from Filet Mignon! 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

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Welcome to Podcast #212... Today Jackie and I welcome a special guest - my daughter (and her sister!) JoAnne to the Purtan Dining Room Table. Actually, JoAnne wasn't exactly seated at the table... but was laying on the floor while we recorded. She'll explain why. And if you thought she looked a little green broadcasting on Channel 7 last week... you were right. But when they say "Lights... Camera..." you gotta spring into "Action!". Speaking of "the Show Must Go On"... Jackie tells a story from her days in the Original Cast of the The Detroit Second City that shows just how far one person went to make sure that happened.

And of course we talk about the BIG Show! The 30 Annual 16-Hour Salvation Army Radiothon benefiting the Bed and Bread Club! It's coming up on Friday, February 24th and will be broadcast Live from the Emagine Theater in Royal Oak on WJR 760 AM from 6am to 10pm.

I'llbe hosting the 6pm to 10pm slot along with Big Al, Jackie and the rest of Purtan's People. I hope you'll tune in... but more importantly, I hope you'll donate! You can even do it right now by going to Salmich.org or by calling 248-528-0760! 

More on that... and lots of other good stuff in Podcast #212.  

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick 

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Punxatawney Phil emerged from his hole this morning and saw his shadow, signaling 6 more weeks of winter. 

- Why? Because it's February. 

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A new dating app called "Haters" is designed to help people find love with people who hate the same things they do from Politicians to paying extra for Guacamole.

- They should have called it eDisHarmony.com. 

- Look for the new romantic ballad "I Can't Help Falling In Hate With You".

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Students at UC Berkley turned violent and burned down the Student Book Store last night while protesting a scheduled speech by a Conservative Gay man. 

- But they want everyone to know... they totally accept that he's Gay, it's the Conservative part they can't deal with. 

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In an attempt to battle shrinking audiences, Movie Theaters across the country are beginning to  sell alcohol along with popcorn and candy. 

- Which begs the question which type of wine goes best with Milk Duds? 

- I guess offering booze to patrons was easier than trying to get Hollywood to start making good movies again.  

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A study published in the Deep Nutrition Journal found that eating vegetable oils can lead to migraines, dementia and fatigue. 

- On the bright side, eat enough McDonald's French Fries and you'll be too tired to finish your Big Mac. 

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IKEA stores in the U.S. have recalled certain beach chairs because of "fingertip amputation hazards". 

- And it's really hard to put together a 187 piece beach chair when your fingertips have been amputated. 

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A woman in Australia called the police to file a report against her drug dealer for what she considered an unfair price hike for her marijuana. 

- Being Australia, the woman will be tried in a Kangaroo Court. (Bada Boom!)

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

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At 8pm last night President Trump announced Conservative Judge Neil Gorsuch as his pick for the Supreme Court - sparking protests from Liberals.  

- With the exception of Ruth Bader Ginsberg... who didn't hear about it because she fell asleep after the Wheel of Fortune Bonus Round. . 

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On Tuesday's "The View", Whoopi Goldberg compared Trump to the Taliban. 

- Trump sent out an equally insulting Tweet comparing Whoopi to Joy Behar.

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Effective immediately, The Boy Scouts of America will allow transgender children who were born girls, but identify as boys, to join their troops.  

- And in addition to Camping and Hiking... they'll now be required to earn the Caitlyn Jenner Merit Badge. 

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The Detroit Lions have made changes to their logo, ditching black in favor of silver for the outline of the Lion. 

- Now if they could just ditch "losing" for "winning", when it comes to Play-Off Games.  

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"Celebrity Apprentice" host Arnold Schwarzenegger says President Trump's Immigration ban is "making us look stupid". 

- It's also making it harder for Arnold to find a housekeeper to have another affair with. 

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Feeling stressed out by an overload of news coverage? Some psychologists say you should turn off the TV and look at pictures of cute animals on the internet. 

- You can find them on Facebook sandwiched between your friends Anti-Everything rants.

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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NBC insiders say the third hour of the "Today" show will be replaced with a show hosted by ex-Fox News star Megyn Kelly next Fall, followed by Hoda and Kathy Lee.  

- Megyn will be "Fair & Balanced" and then Hoda and Kathy Lee will be "Drunk & Unsteady". 

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Sunday night a 23 year old Dental student from France won the Miss Universe Crown. 

- It's a temporary crown... she'll have to wait six weeks for the permanent one to be put on.

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Over ten million people have Retweeted Kim Kardashian's Tweet of a chart that disputed Donald Trump's temporary ban on Immigration. 

- If you're relying on Kim Kardashian for your foreign policy info... I'm thinking maybe YOU should be deported. 

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Ashton Kutcher opened Sunday night's SAG Awards by sharply criticizing President Trump's Immigration policy. 

- And after the show, he called Melania and asked if she was looking for a "Boy-Toy". 

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Starbucks announced plans to hire 10,000 refugees over the next five years. 

- It's every refugees dream... escape a war-torn nation so you can sell $7 cups of coffee to rich Americans. 

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An American Heart Association study found that depression is just as damaging to our heart as high cholesterol. 

- They added that the Worst thing for your heart is reading your friends political posts on Facebook. 

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Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Welcome to Podcast #211... our first of 2017, and our first (hopefully) without the glitches we had at the end of 2016. Today Jackie and I get back behind the mics to talk about the passing of Mary Tyler Moore... and how despite her incredible television career, she felt like more of a failure than a success. 

We also talk about Ted Knight who played the buffoon-newsman "Ted Baxter" on Mary's Show and how our broadcast careers crossed paths. 

Somehow we end up talking about a rather dangerous microscopic creature in the Amazon River that might give men pause if they decide to go swimming there. (Hint: You'll need a cast iron Speedo)

And most important of all... I give you the details of the upcoming Annual Salvation Army Bed & Bread Club Radiothon on Friday, February 24th on WJR AM 760! It will be our 30th Annual!!

It's all in Podcast #211... and it's up right now @dickpurtan.com! 

-Dick 

P.S. I'm off to serve meals off one of the Bed & Bread Trucks. More on that tomorrow! 

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RIP... Mary Tyler Moore. The girl "who could turn the world on with her smile" died yesterday at the age of 80. "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was a shining part of a long-gone era. A time when we had more in common with each other than not, simply because we had fewer choices.

With just Three TV Channels (plus UHF, of course) chances were good that most of us watched the same shows. And there were good ones...Really good ones. The CBS Saturday night line-up, for example. In order, from 8pm through 11pm was: "All in the Family", "M*A*S*H", "The Mary Tyler Moore Show", "Bob Newhart", and "The Carol Burnett Show". Talk about a power packed night of television! 

And anchoring, right in the middle of the line up, MTM... Who can forget Lou Grant, Ted Baxter, Rhoda, and Sue Anne Nivens? Not to mention Chuckles the Clown... "A little song, a little dance... a little seltzer down your pants".  They gave us something to talk about with our friends and co-workers the next day. We had their classic lines and stories in common. 

Mary, her show, and the time in our lives that it embodied were simply put, Extraordinary. And I miss them all.

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The President of Mexico said in a speech that there is no way Mexico will pay for President Trump's Wall. 

- Trump immediately Tweeted: "20% down and the balance when the Wall is finished!"  #AyCaramba

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Trump will meet with the Prime Minister of England, Theresa May, on Friday at the White House. 

- Trump staffers say he's looking forward to the meeting, but would have preferred that the U.K. send Kate Middleton over for the get-together. 

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Scientists at NASA say an asteroid-like object will come within 32 million miles of Earth in February, but a Russian Astronomer claims it will hit the earth on the 16th, causing a giant, dangerous Tsunami. 

- Democrats were quick to point out that we just had a giant, dangerous Tsunami on November 8th. 

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Ivanka Trump posted a video of her ten month old son Theodore on Instagram crawling for the first time - on the carpet at the White House no less. 

- It's not the first time someone's been on their knees in the White House. I mean who can forget those great photos of JFK Jr. under his Dad's desk? 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick

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A new study out of Paris found that personality traits like being open or closed minded, and nice or nasty, might be the result of the shape of a person's brain. 

- They discovered the results by examining the brain of one "Abby Normal". (Courtesy of Gene Wilder and Marty Feldman aka Dr. Frank-en-steen and Igor)

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A woman in Texas is alive and well after a Tornado picked up the bathtub she was sheltering in, flew her through the air, and landed her safely in the woods. 

- No word yet on her husband, who had been in a matching bathtub waiting for his Cialis to kick in. 

*****

For the first time in History, the Dow Jones hit and topped 20,000 this morning. 

- Good news for most, but tough for their neighbors who are always trying to keep up with the Dow Joneses. 

*****

President Trump will sign an Executive Order today directing the Department of Homeland Security to begin building his famous Wall. 

- Right after signing, Trump will immediately call Tyler 8-7100 because Mr. Belvedere does good work! 

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While most of Hollywood and California voted for Hillary Clinton, it looks like The Scientologists went for Trump. 

- It's all part of Scientology's plan to "Make John Travolta Great Again".

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Social Media is abuzz with speculation that one of Trump's Secret Service Agents wore prosthetic arms during the First Couple's stroll down Penn. Ave. on Inauguration Day, so he could keep his real hand on the trigger of a gun. 

- The Secret Service got the idea from Bill Clinton who used the same technique when he was in the Oval Office. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick

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Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton are moving back from their current residence back to the city of London so they can help the Queen with her duties. 

- Apparently you can't just learn the proper "Waving Technique" overnight. 

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As promised, yesterday President Trump formally abandoned the 12-nation Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) - former Prez. Obama's signature deal. 

- Sources say angry Dems will protest by sneaking over the fence and TPP-ing the trees around the White House with Charmin. 

*****

A new dating site, launched on Inauguration Day is designed to help match up Trump supporters who are looking for love. 

- It's called "Let Me Call You Tweet Heart Dot Com".

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The Obamas are vacationing on Richard Branson's private island in the Caribbean.

- It's the first time in 8 years that the former President has gone on vacation without the Nuclear Golfball... um... that's the Nuclear Football. 

- He deserve's to relax... this is his first vacation since he got back from Hawaii New Year's Day. 

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A British dermatologist recommends adding a tablespoon of sugar to your shampoo to exfoliate your scalp and make your hair healthier. 

- I'm going to add calorie-free Equal to mine so I don't end up with too much Volume. 

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A Kansas City man has admitted that he robbed a bank, then waited in the lobby for Police to arrest him because "He'd rather be in jail then be with his wife". 

- Apparently he didn't realize that he's gonna end up with a new, much more demanding wife in the slammer. 

*****

Rod Stewart and Cyndi Lauper announced a joint Summer Music Tour across America this summer. 

- At 72 and 63 years old respectively... Cyndi maybe the only woman around who thinks Rod's sexy... and wants his body.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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The Patriots are heading to the Super Bowl for the ninth time after defeating the Steelers 36-17 on Sunday. It will be Tom Brady's 7th trip to the Big Game.  

- But Brady said that like his footballs, his ego won't be inflated. 

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A woman was kicked off a flight from Baltimore to Seattle for loudly berating the man seated next to her for being a Trump supporter. 

- Sounds like someone forgot to check her emotional baggage. 

- From now on, Airlines will seat Democrats on the Left and Republicans on the Right.  

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Madonna is taking heat for repeatedly dropping the F-bomb and saying she had thoughts of "blowing up the White House" during her speech at the Women Million March Saturday which was carried live on C-Span. 

- It was the most exciting thing to happen on C-Span since... well, since EVER. 

*****

Taylor Swift is being hammered on Twitter for not attending any of the Women's Marches against Trump around the country.

- Don't people know that Taylor is ALWAYS busy on Saturdays breaking up with her latest boyfriend??? 

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China closed 100 golf courses in their country saying they go against Communist principles and cater to "Elites". 

- And just like that former President Obama had to cancel his vacation to Beijing. 

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A new fitness trend is sweeping Great Britain, with thousands of Brits heading to the gym to participate in Naked Exercise classes. 

- The classes were Co-Ed until a bunch of naked guys suffered sprains when they tried to do push ups. 

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A study by researchers in California found that women who maintain an active lifestyle age more slowly. 

- So if you want to look young, instead of driving, jog to your appointment with the plastic surgeon. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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With the Inauguration just hours away, Donald Trump is en route to Washington, D.C. 

- He'll hold meetings this morning, then spend the afternoon on the phone getting the White House Gas, Electricity and Cable transferred over to his name. 

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Meanwhile the Obamas are doing what most families do the day before they move... 

- Taking sentimental snapshots around the house and deciding whether or not to take the washer and dryer they promised to leave during the Closing. 

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Donald Trump has been urged to dance with Caitlyn Jenner, who is a Republican, at his Inaugural Ball on Friday night to prove that he is in touch with America's LGBT community.

- I think it's safe to assume that during the dance, the new President won't try to grab Caitlyn's private parts.

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In keeping with tradition, President Obama will leave a letter of advice for the incoming President in the desk in the Oval Office. 

- Sources say Obama wrote his letter months ago, and it starts out "Dear, Hillary..."

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A NY Attorney is calling for President Obama to pardon Hillary Clinton so she can't be charged under the Trump Administration for use of the Private Email Server...but added it's "sideways" for anyone to think accepting a pardon is admitting guilt.  

- I beg your pardon???  

- Hillary wasn't available for comment as she was busy rehearsing for her upcoming gig on "Dancing With The Stars".

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Michael Moore has organized a protest on the sidewalk outside Trump Tower in NYC today.

- He was going to hold the protest in D.C., but he wanted to make sure there would be plenty of Hot Dog and Giant Soft Pretzel Carts nearby. 

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On a serious note... 

No matter how you feel about the incoming administration - or the outgoing one - I hope that we experience a safe and peaceful transition of power tomorrow, and in the weeks and months to come. Yes, we have differences. Yes, we look at things from a wide variety of vantage points. And yes, this has been a tumultuous and emotional time in our History.

But first and foremost, we are Americans. This is not the first time our citizenry has been divided, nor is it the first time our nation has faced seemingly insurmountable challenges both at home and around the world. But it's time to do what we have done since 1776 - Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Together. Shoulder to Shoulder. America is, and always will be, a work in progress. By definition, that makes us "imperfect". But our best hope for making positive progress begins with us being respectful of each other's opinions. 

Perhaps it was times like these that inspired our insightful forefathers (and foremothers!) to name this great land "The UNITED States of America". 

Have a great day, I'll see you back here tomorrow, and God Bless America. 

-Dick 

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I was on the internet yesterday and saw the teaser headline, 'Get JFK's Favorite Breakfast Recipe'.

- Guessing all the ingredients are easy enough to find except the 'pinch of Marilyn Monroe'.

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President Obama's last minute pardon of Chelsea Manning, the former Army Intel Specialist who gave 700,000 classified documents to WikiLeaks has Washington up in arms. Btw... Chelsea (a transgender woman) was Bradley when he/she was convicted. 

- Both Republicans & Democrats are calling Manning "A traitor... a real Bernadine Arnold". 

*****

When more than 50 top Democrats said they won't attend Friday's Inauguration, Trump responded by asking for their tickets saying, "We'll need them!"

- There haven't been this many tickets up for grabs since William Hung's "She Bangs" Tour. 

*****

A new Australian reality show features complete strangers getting into bed together in hopes of finding love. 

- We already have a show like that in America... it's call "The Bachelor". 

*****

According to a Traffic Study, more Pedestrians are killed in Florida than in any other State. 

- That's because all the elderly drivers think the "Ped Xing" signs are advertisements for overnight shipping. 

*****

The NBA is considering shortening the length of games because Millennials have such short attention spans. 

- Why not just start the game with the teams tied up with two minutes to go? That's how it usually happens anyway. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick 

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With just three days left in the White House, a moving van and boxes were spotted outside the Obama's new 8200 sq. foot home, which boasts 9 1/2 bathrooms. 

- Luckily, Michelle has eight years worth of 20% off coupons from "Bed, Bath & Beyond".

*****

Donald Trump will use two Bibles when he takes the Oath on Friday... his family Bible and the one used by Abraham Lincoln. 

- Democrats are claiming the Russians have hacked both Bibles to try and change the outcome of the Apple thing between Adam and Eve. 

*****

Meanwhile Vladimir Putin gave a speech calling Trump's political enemies who went public with the infamous false dossier, "Worse than Prostitutes". 

- Prostitutes everywhere are insulted... saying they've been called a lot of bad names, but they've never been compared to Politicians before. 

*****

Trump's staff has confirmed that the President-Elect has turned down the Obama's offer to leave behind Sasha and Malia's old swing set in the White House Garden. 

- This reminds me of the time Bill Clinton asked George W. Bush if he wanted him to leave Monica Lewinsky behind in the Oval Office. 

*****

The producers of Star Wars announced that they've decided not to use a digital image of Carrie Fisher in the next film. 

- Apparently fans thought "Star Wars: The Force DOESN'T Awaken" was in bad taste. 

*****

The movie "Hidden Figures" is the highest grossing film in the country. 

- It's a documentary showing what Rosie O'Donnell and Chris Christie look like when they take off their Spanx. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

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A European Parliament committee has voted in favor of a proposal granting legal status to robots, categorizing them as “electronic persons”.

- Great... now the robots are going to demand their own bathrooms. 

*****

The Senate worked into the night last night to pass a budget resolution that will speed up the process of repealing Obamacare. 

- And if you like your Senator who voted for the resolution, you can keep your Senator! 

*****

Donald Trump not only said the whole Russian Hooker thing was fake, but added that it wasn't even possible since he's a "Germaphobe". 

- Apparently The Donald has no plans to "Make STD's Great Again". 

*****

Amazon announced that they will create 100,000 new full time jobs in the U.S. by 2018. 

- So you'll be able to go to Amazon to shop for a job and be shipped to your new office for free.  

*****

Anthony Weiner, who now lives with his Mother, is reportedly begging his wife, former Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin, to take him back. 

- Apparently like most Moms, Mother Weiner checks his internet history and reads his texts. 

*****

A new study found that people who didn't have sex when they were teenagers have a much larger vocabulary than people who did. 

- You can tell who these people are because they constantly use big phrases like "Live Long and Prosper".

The study also found that people who swear a lot a are smarter than people who use less colorful language. 

- Hot Damn! I'm a genius!

*****

Jim Harbaugh and his wife announced the birth of their 4th child together (his 7th), a little boy named John. 

- The delivery went smoothly, but Jim was fined $500 for yelling at his wife for not pushing hard enough.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

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