Big Night For Taylor, Justin & His Monkey!

At last night’s 2013 Billboard Music Awards, the big winner with 8 trophies was Taylor Swift. But Justin Bieber won three awards, performed twice and was booed by the crowd one time. 

- Only once?

Justin was dressed in leather pants with a crotch that came halfway down his thighs.

- In prior days he had a babysitter for his pet monkey during performances. Apparently now he keeps his monkey in his pants. 

***** 

54-year-old Madonna accepted the “Best Touring Artist” Award, clad in fishnet thigh highs, black leather and chains. 

- Don’t you just love it when stars age gracefully? 

*****

In July, a bar in Brooklyn is hosting a “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” contest.  

- At last year’s contest John Wayne Bobitt and Anthony Weiner tied for first. 

*****

As OJ continues to fight for a new trial in his armed robbery and kidnapping case, a prison insider told the National Enquirer that “The Juice” is still a chick magnet. The unidentifed source said OJ receives thousands of dollars from women for him to spend in the prison commisary, and who will “wait for him” until he gets out. 

- Apparently these are young women who don’t know about that “other trial” he had back in the ‘90’s. 

- Why not hook him up with Jodi Arias? He’s looking for a girlfriend and she’s looking to die. 

*****

The toilet paper shortage in Venezuela continues. 

- It’s so bad, the government has made it illegal to eat at Taco Bell. 

- Why not just use Bounty Paper Towels? They’re the “Quicker-Picker-Upper” and you can “Select-a-Size”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday! And don’t forget to check out my latest Podcast (#79) up now on the homepage! 

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #79: "That's Just How We Roll..."

Welcome to the weekend and a brand-spankin’ new Podcast! (#79). Having finally figured out how to get my microphone turned on, I sat down with my regular partner-in-podcasting daughter Jackie, and a very special returning guest, my wife Gail. 

The three of us weigh in on the hottest topics in the news from the Scandals rocking Washington…to a South American country that has literally run out of toilet paper. (I think they should ask Iran for help since they’re  always threatening to “wipe” other countries - especially this one - off the map). 

Plus we have the very latest on everybody’s favorite felons - Jodi Arias, O.J. Simpson and of course our very own Kwame Kilpatrick. Talk about “Trials & Tribulations”. 

From the IRS to the AP to an abundance of BS from OJ…it’s all here! 

So sit back, grab a roll of TP (just in case) and tune in to Podcast #79! 

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here Monday with my regular blog…

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #79

Look Out! She's Back In Town...

After 37 months in the slammer at the so-called “Camp Cupcake”, former Detroit Congresswoman Monica Conyers is back on the streets and working full time at a collision shop here in Detroit. She says she’s very happy. 

- Her actual quote was, “I’m so #!@% *(%@ F—- happy to be out of that *%^# jail!”

- A collision shop is perfect for Monica! She’s really good at fixing things…like city contracts. 

*****

A noticeably heavier O.J. Simpson took the stand yesterday in an effort to get a new trial in his armed robbery and kidnapping conviction in 2008. 

- He denied gaining weight and is publishing a new book called “If I Ate It”. 

- Simpson looked so old, he’s now being referred to as “O.J. Mixed With Metamucil”. 

- With all of the scandals it Washington, O.J. actually came off as believeable. 

*****

A CPR machine brought a man who was clinically dead for 40 minutes back to life. 

- The machine will next be used to try to revive the Obama Administration. 

*****

Ohio University evolutionary researchers say they’ve identified the point at which monkey’s split from apes. 

- It was the day Davy Jones was hired as the Monkees’ lead singer. 

*****

A Florida chiropractor is accused of forcing his employees to engage in Scientology practices such as yelling at ashtrays. 

- The chiropractor was accusing the cigarette butts in the ashtray of being out of alignment…which could could turn out to be the smoking gun. 

- So now we know what Tom Cruise does when he’s not jumping up and down on couches. 

**** 

Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter Apple turns 9-years-old this week. 

- She will now be known as “Apple 9.0”

*****

An obsessed fan was charged with trespassing after he allegedly swam to Taylor Swift’s beach house in Rhode Island. 

- Taylor has decided that instead of pressing charges, she’ll date him for a while, break-up with him and then write a hit song about it. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with an All New Podcast! 

-Dick

Red Wings & Other Things...

Wings vs. Blackhawks Game 1 of Round 2 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs tonight in Chicago! 8pm our time! 

*****

Disney is considering adding a new ride that promises more spins, twists and turns than Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

- They’re calling it “The Obama White House”.

***** 

Fox announced that Kiefer Sutherland will return in a new, limited series version of the show “24”. 

- It will run over three nights and be called “8”, “8” & “8”. 

*****

Lindsay Lohan is upset because the doctors at her rehab facility won’t let her have the Adderall pill she claims she needs to treat her Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  

- She’s also upset that the only thing in her mini-bar is Diet Coke and Orange Juice. 

*****

Convicted murderer Jodi Arias continues to insist that she wants to get the death penalty. 

- With the media focused on the three White House Scandals instead of her, she figures she’s got nothing to live for. 

- A prison guard overheard her saying, “Who do I have to kill to get some TV coverage in this town?”

*****

A cleric in Iran is warning that a big earthquake is on the way and it’s the fault of women who wear skimpy dresses. 

- In Iran, “skimpy dresses” means burkas that only go down to your ankles. 

- The cleric is known by the name “Nostra-Ridiculous”. 

*****

It’s so hard to find a dentist under Britain’s National Health Service that thousands of Brits are buying do-it-yourself dental kits to glue down loose veneers and yank out their own teeth. 

- My Grandpa had one of those kits…it came with a piece of string and a door knob. 

- The most shocking part of this story is finding out that British people have any teeth at all.

- The story was leaked to the press by a disgrunted molar in the Health Department.

*****

Have a great day, I’ll see you back here Thursday and GO WINGS!!!

-Dick

"The Lions Are Goin' To The Super Bowl!!!"

Detroit linebacker Nick Fairley said that this year, the Lions are going to the Superbowl. 

- They’re gonna have a heckuva time getting the whole team tickets in the same section. 

*****

Kwame Kilpatrick submitted a personally written motion to the court asking that his Guilty verdicts in the Federal Racketeering Trial be overturned because his lawyer did a bad job representing him. 

- If he thinks his lawyer did a bad job, I wonder what he thinks of the job he did as Mayor? 

*****

Meanwhile OJ Simpson was back in court Monday asking for a new trial. 

- I say give him a new trial - not the one about armed robbery; the one about him killing his wife.

*****

President Obama called the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups “outrageous”. 

- And added that if he’d known it would go public, he never would have ordered them to do it.

*****

An American Airlines pilot on an L.A. to New York flight made an emergency landing in Kansas City to kick a woman off when she wouldn’t stop singing Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” at the top of her lungs. 

- At lease it wasn’t “Loving You” by Minnie Ripperton!

- Everyone else on the plane was arrested for holding up lighters in the cabin during her performance. 

*****

A new study says that nearly 10% of Mexico’s population lives in the United States. 

- I almost dropped my Chalupa when I heard the news.  

- I knew I should have bought stock in Taco Bell!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

Wings and Moms Were "Hot" On Mother's Day!

Hope you all had a sensational Mother’s Day! We had a great time… My daughter Jessica hosted brunch for all 21 of us. Lot’s of fun, lot’s of food, and lot’s of Moms! 

From the left…

Jessica, JoAnne, Julie, Gail, Jennifer, Jill & Jackie. 

There hasn’t been that much estrogen in one room since all of Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriends held their annual “Playmate Playdate”! 

All of the Grandkids were there, too… Matt (18), Julia (15), Lauren (12), Preston (11), Charlie (11), Adam (10), Jack (9) and Brayden (15 months). I’d mention who belongs to which girl, but frankly it’s hard to keep track. Continuing the tradition of “Lousy Weather in Michigan on Mother’s Day” each year… the younger kids braved the elements to play outside. Not pictured: Matt & Julia (because they’re too cool to play outside) and Brayden (because at just over 1 year old, he’s too smart to go out when it’s that cold). 

****

In other news…

The Red Wings beat Anaheim 3-2 last night and will now go on to face the Blackhawks in the next round of the Playoffs. 

- The Ducks weren’t too upset…just like water, they let the loss roll off their backs. 

*****

Barbara Walters to retire in 2014…

- Allowing her to include herself as one of “The Most Fascinating People of 2014”. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Happy Mother's Day!

From the entire Purtan Family to you and yours… Happy Mother’s Day Mom! 

In keeping with a long-standing tradition on my radio show… we remember Dad’s contributions as well — IN SONG!

If It Wasn’t For Your Father, Would Your Mother Be Your Mother? 

The Wicked Glich Of The Midwest...

Welcome to Mother’s Day Weekend! We had a brand new Podcast recorded and ready to post, however, in listening back to it I realized that my microphone was not working and I sound like I’m talking from the bottom of the Grand Canyon.  

So instead of re-doing it, I decided to give my Podcasting partners, daughter Jackie and more importantly the mother of my six daughers, my wife Gail an early Mother’s Day Gift and NOT make them re-record the Podcast.

Okay…it’s not that I was that generous, it’s just that Jackie had plans and Gail and I are getting ready for our weekly “Date Night”. Speaking of which…I have to go now to make reservations for the 4pm Early Bird Special. (Tonight they’ve got all-you-can-eat green beans!)

We’ll be back next Friday with a “Post-Mother’s Day” Podcast…and look for a special surprise right here at dickpurtan.com on Sunday!

Thanks!

Dick 

Two Detroit Sports Losses...

The Wings quacked under pressure last night, losing to the Anaheim Ducks 3-2 in overtime. 3-2 is also how the series stands with the Ducks on top - meaning we need to win the next two games or we’re out of the Play-Offs. Game 6 at the Joe Friday night… GO WINGS!!!

And RIP Carol Anderson, wife of Tiger’s legendary manager Sparky Anderson. She passed away yesterday of natural causes at the age of 79. 

*****

Pfizer announced it will start selling Viagra online. 

- So now men can avoid the embarrassment of trying to “get it over the counter”. 

- Makes sense since online is where so many guys meet their dates. 

***** 

After a ridiculously long trial, Jodi Arias was found guilty of the First Degree Murder of her boyfriend.

- She told reporters she felt like the Jury had “stabbed her in the back”…like, maybe 27 times???

She also said she would prefer the death penalty to life in prison. 

- Okay. 

*****

78,000 people have applied to leave Earth forever to seek a new life on Mars. 

- Linsday Lohan wants to go because she figures Mars will have one of those cool bars like the one in Star Wars. 

- Tom Cruise said, “Great…there goes the neighborhood!”

***** 

Speaking of Tom Cruise…he’s signed-on to return as Ethan Hunt in the fifth “Mission: Impossible” movie. 

- In this sequel, the “Impossible Mission” is Tom actually keeping a wife. 

***** 

Beloved soap opera star Jeanne Cooper of “The Young and the Restless” has died at 84. 

- Or so the writers would have us believe…

- Her son Corbin Bernsen confirmed that she is really gone…unlike the 18 times she died and came back to life on the show. 

***** 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here with an all new Podcast Friday!

-Dick 

Chris Christie Turns 50...Loses 40!!!

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie revealed that he recently got secret lap band stomach surgery and has already lost 40 pounds. 

- The doctors didn’t actually put a “band” around his stomach…they used a Hula-Hoop. 

- They tried to use liposuction, but the bag on the Hoover kept exploding. 

***** 

A real estate company is selling lots on the Moon for $19.99 an acre. 

- Finally! I can afford to live next to Tom Cruise! 

- They call it “One small step for man…and one giant leap for Century 21”. 

*****

NASA says the Earth will soon be experiencing “extreme” rain. 

- So apparently the rain is about to get a lot wetter than we’re used to. 

***** 

Insiders say that Prince William and Kate Middleton are having a boy. 

- Turns out they saw the little guy’s Royal Sceptor on the Ultrasound. 

- When the OB-GYN says “You’re crowning” during delivery, he’s gonna mean it LITERALLY!

***** 

A British company is selling the Ultimate Beach Bikini, which uses gels and foam to make a woman’s boobs look up to two cup sizes bigger. 

- We can only hope that the French never steal this idea and use it in men’s Speedos. 

***** 

A coroner testifieding in the Michael Jackson trail said that many of Michael’s facial features were artificial. 

- Boy, I didn’t see that one coming! 

He added that in additon to his ever-changing nose, Jacko had no real eyebrows…just eyebrow tatoos and had his lips dyed permanently pink. 

- That way he didn’t have to ask his monkey Bubbles to carry his lipstick for him. 

*****

The Betty Ford Center in California decided that Lindsay Lohan will not be granted the privilege of coming and going from the celebrity rehab center. 

- You realize what this means? She’s going to have to have her drugs and booze delivered!

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick