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Our Hearts and Prayers go out to the victims and their families after this weekend’s mass shootings in El Paso & Dayton.

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Double Tree Hotels are sending a tiny oven to the International Space Station so Astronauts can bake cookies.

- First up: Moon Pies

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A Portland woman was arrested on Saturday after she beat a police officer with his own baton.

- She posted bail and then went out clubbing.

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A growing number of Japanese women are marrying themselves so they can have more freedom in their lives.

- And for the Honeymoon they carry “Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed and Something that Runs on Batteries”.

- On the down side, it things don’t work out they have to pay for both sides of the divorce.

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A video has gone viral of French inventor Franky Zapata flying across the English Channel on a Hoverboard.

- If you want to watch a video of him going over the SPANISH Channel… press 2.

- A lot of people missed it since they couldn’t find The English Channel on their Cable lineup.

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The set of the new James Bond movie has been hit with a second Peeping Tom incident after a female crew member saw a male hand come under a bathroom stall while she was in there.

- Police say she was “Stirred, Shaken… and then Flushed”.

- The guys said he just needed some TP adding, “Diamonds are Forever, but Toilet Paper Runs Out’.

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Rapper A$AP Rocky returned home from Sweden Friday after serving nearly a month in jail on assault charges.

The U.S. reportedly warned the Swedish Government of “Negative Consequences” if they didn’t release the rapper. Apparently Trump told their President he was gonna be sleeping with the Swedish Fish.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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After last night’s debate, Micheal Moore tweeted that the only way Dems can beat Trump in 2020 is if Michele Obama runs.

- Insiders say she’s already decided on a campaign slogan: “Make Kale Great Again”.

- Hmmmm. A former First Lady running for President… What could go wrong???

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The internet has gone crazy over pics of a 5 week old female puppy that was born with a rather heavy mustache.

- Reminds me of one of my baby pics.

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Move over crows feet and laugh lines… According to beauty “experts” more and more women are getting “procedures” to correct Cleavage wrinkles a.k.a. “Clinkles”.

- And if you’re not up for an expensive Clinkle-ectomy you can always save money and just get some “Boob-tox”.

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Almost all of the candidates - except Biden - said that immigrants coming over the border illegally would not be prosecuted for breaking the law, which could, in effect encourage millions worldwide to walk into the US with no legal consequences.

- If this ever passes, instead of a Wall we’ll have a giant flashing neon sign reading “Open 24/7!”

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If you add it up, the candidates promised FREE Healthcare, FREE College, 100% Student Loan Forgiveness, and $1000 FREE for everyone over 18.

- If this ever becomes Law, the Bald Eagle will be replaced with a Rainbow and a Unicorn.

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A woman who has turned 107-years-old says the secret to living a long life is “Never getting married”.

- But she still got some of the perks of a wedding: “She’s something old, Her pacemakers new, Her hearing aids are borrowed, and her lips are turning blue.”

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Former President Barack Obama, Prince Harry & Leonardo DiCaprio were among those who used 114 Private Jets to attend Google’s lavish Greek Isle getaway to discuss Climate Change.

- They could have stayed home at watched the Debate Candidates talk about the same thing for a lot cheaper - with the same results.

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Lisa Marie Presley is writing a new book which she claims will reveal “shocking” details about her ex husband Michael Jackson.

- Lisa Maria says she’s Nose stuff about Michael that even his plastic surgeon doesn’t know.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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The second Democrat debate - which includes Joe Biden and Kamala Harris - takes place at the Fox tonight.

- Harris will spend the pre-debate hours campaigning and Joe will spend the afternoon napping.

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Presidential Candidate Marianne Williamson was the most Googled candidate during las night’s debate saying that “Love” will win the election and that Trump has unleashed “Dark psychic forces” in America.

- Then she took out her light saber and accidentally cut Bernie Sanders arm off.

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The makers of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer are now selling a “HARD COFFEE” alcoholic beverage.

- It’s great for people who like their beer with cream and sugar.

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An unemployed Indian man is in intensive care after being bitten by a snake - and then biting the snake back.

- I always wondered how Cobra Insurance works. Now I know.

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A Seattle woman hacked into Capital One and obtained the personal data of over 100-million people.

- Well now we know What’s In HER Wallet… Your social security number.

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A top model who was fired for making anti-Transgender comments and then blamed it on her own insecurity about being a woman, who used to be a man, now admits she was never a man at all - and was a WOMAN the whole time.

- This lady makes Caitlyn Jenner seem like the Girl Next Door.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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The second democratic presidential debate, hosted by CNN, will get underway at the Fox Theater tonight at 8pm and will feature 10 candidates including progressives Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren.

- If those two go any further left they’re gonna fall off the stage.

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A video has gone viral of a two-year-old child who climbed onto the conveyor belt at the Spirit Airlines baggage claim.

- Then the airline found out the kid weighed more than 50 pounds and charged his parents a hundred bucks.

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44 years ago today Jimmy Hoffa disappeared from the parking lot of the Machus Red Fox in Bloomfield Hills.

- His associates say he was a Pillar in the Community and remains one today. Literally.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger turns 72 today.

- At his age, Arnold’s new catch phrase is “Oh My Back!”

- Arnold says he’s not worrying about getting older because financially he’s got it “Maid in the Shade”.

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A new study found that AOC’s "Green New Deal" would cost the average household at least $70,000 in the first year and a quarter-million dollars total after five years.

- So here’s the “REAL Deal”: You’re gonna have to give up a whole lotta Green.

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According to a new survey, 28% of food delivery drivers admit they’ve eaten some of the food on their way to drop it off.

- Reminds me of my days as a Bakery Truck Driver during summers off from College. I didn’t make much dough, but I ate a lot dough-nuts!

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Meghan Markle’s estranged father is asking Queen Elizabeth to step in and demand that Meghan and Harry let him see his new grandson Archie.

- But knowing the Queen she’s just gonna Wave him off.

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According to a recent study, breastfeeding may lower the risk of stroke for mothers.

- Wait a minute… Aren’t men supposed to be able to have babies now?? What about them??

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President Obama’s former doctor said that Joe Biden looked frail at the last debate.

- Biden replied “I never LIKED Obama’s Doctor… and Obama can KEEP his stupid Doctor”.

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A video has gone viral of an American Airlines baggage handler dancing on the runway at the Nashville airport.

- I’m assuming it was the Hokey Pokey since, like most baggage handlers, he put the suitcase in, he took the suitcase out, he put the suitcase in and he shook it all about.

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MTV has announced plans to start airing serious documentaries.

- First up: An in-depth film about Madonna’s need for Penicillin.

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On this date in 1609, Samuel de Champlain shot and killed two Iroquois Indian chiefs in Ticonderoga, New York.

- It led to 150 years of discord between the French and Indians… Plus Elizabeth Warren’s Presidential Campaign.

- HISTORICAL NOTE: This event forced a popular song at the time to change titles from “Twelve Little Indians” to “Ten Little Indians”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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Bernie Madoff has appealed to Donald Trump to reduce his 150-year prison sentence for running the world's largest Ponzi scheme.

- As an incentive he offered Trump a great deal on some Stock in the Acme Dynamite Company.

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Even liberal CNN and MSNBC seem to agree that Robert Mueller’s testimony was disastrous for Dems hoping for criminal dirt on President Trump.

- Joy Behar was so devastated she almost couldn’t speak. Remember, I said “almost”.

- Rachel Maddow was so upset she had tears in her eyes and you could actually see her Adams Apple trembling.

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Michael Moore tweeted that not only did Mueller fail to “deliver the goods” but he “sucked the life out of his report”.

- And then he ate a large pizza and a side of fries.

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A study by US Trust found that Millennials - now in their 20’s and 30’s - believe “Old” starts at 59. But Baby Boomers - say you’re not “Old” until you’re 73.

- And remember what Groucho Marx said - or maybe it was Joe Biden - “You’re only as old as the woman you feel”.

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A “Flasher” in Massachusetts got more than he bargained for when a female jogger he exposed himself to ran after him and wrestled him to the ground.

- Sounds like somebody wasn’t that impressed with what she saw.

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Researchers at the University of Alabama claim that eating your last meal of the day at 2 in the afternoon may help you lose weight.

- There’s even a name for Dinner at 2 in the afternoon… It’s called “Lunch”.

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NE Patriots QB Tom Brady hinted that he may become a fashion designer.

- He’ll design shirts with Shoulder Pads while Colin Kaepernick will provide the Knee Pads.

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A new survey found that 4 in 10 people say the way they’ve lived their lives has left them with some regrets.

- Regrets? I’ve had a few. But then again… too few to mention.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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Buffalo Wild Wings is bringing back “Half Off Tuesdays”.

- They’re trying to compete with Hooters “Half Dressed Thursdays”.

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Over twenty million people have watched the first Trailer for the upcoming Tom Hanks movie about Mr. Rogers.

- But in keeping with the #MeToo movement, in this movie, all the women in Mr. Rogers Neighborhood file a sexual harassment suit against Mr. McFeely.

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New research found that people who eat a lot of spicy food have up to a 50% greater chance of developing dementia.

- Which is bad news for people who eat at Taco Bell since they won’t be able to remember where the bathroom is.

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A new study claims that drinking coffee can help you lose weight.

- And if you get that coffee at Starbucks, the weight you lose will be in your wallet.

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Russia held its annual “Medieval Times Jousting Festival” on Tuesday.

-It’s a lot like our “Renaissance Festival” but during the battle re-enactments, they actually kill people.

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Kim Kardashian’s personal photographer has been accused of trying to bribe a model into sending him naked pictures.

- What an ass.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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76 year old Joe Biden says he’d take 73 year old President Trump down if age becomes an issue.

- Seems to me Age is a “Touchy” subject for both of them.

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A new Smartphone app called FaceApp is sweeping the internet… It allows you to see what someone will look like when their “old”, and pics have popped up of everyone from Trump to Biden.

- Looks like they’ll both use the slogan “Make America Wrinkled Again”.

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Scientists say new research shows that chimpanzee experience “closeness and bonding” when they sit together and watch a movie.

- Maybe Trump and Pelosi should go see the “Avengers” together.

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Fashion insiders say Americans are turning away from “traditional beauty” and “embracing the Ugly” - thus the renewed popularity of shoes like “Crocs”.

- And just like that my Baby Blue Leisure Suit and White Bucks are back in style.

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Political experts say extensive polling shows that the 2020 Election will be the most toxic ever.

- I’m no “Political Expert” but I didn’t need extensive polling to tell you that!

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A study by the University of Southern Australia found that a serving of Nuts everyday will sharpen your brain as you age.

- That’s why I never miss the ladies on “The View”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner’s son Brody says he was hurt when his Dad decided NOT to attend his wedding, just a week before the nuptials.

- In his Dad’s defense, He was worried his plunging neckline dress would upstage the Bride.

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Archeologists have uncovered the remains of one of Napoleon Bonaparte's generals: a one-legged man who was killed by a cannonball more than 200 years ago - underneath a dance hall floor in Russia.

- Their best guess is that the General had been dancing to ABBA’s “Waterloo”.

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The #MeToo movement may put Victoria’s Secret out of business after sales plummeted in the first half of this year.

- But company insiders say those numbers are “padded”… like their Bras.

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New scientific research claims that insects not only feel pain when you smush them, but if they survive they have chronic pain.

- I would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall when they were figuring that one out.

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Joe Biden unveiled his new healthcare proposal and promised “If you LIKE your healthcare… you can KEEP your health care”.

- Biden is clearly grabbing at Obamas coattails… which is better than what he’s usually grabbing.

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Kylie Jenner - of the Kardashian Clan - said that growing up in the public eye has been incredibly tough and caused her distress and anxiety.

- And then she posted more naked pics of herself on Instagram.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Thank you all for your kind Birthday Wishes last Thursday! It really made turning 38 a lot easier.

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Paul McCartney thrilled fans by bringing Ringo Starr on stage with him to play two songs during his concert in LA over the weekend.

- For our Junior readers, Paul and Ringo were once in a band called “The Beatles”.

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The crowd at a Billy Joel concert in NY the night before the Blackout booed Bill and Hillary Clinton after Joel dedicated a song to them during the show they were attending.

- Bill wasn’t happy either… When Bill started singing “Tell Her About It”, Bill was like, “Over my dead body!”

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President Trump, four female Democrat Congresswoman including AOC, plus Nancy Pelosi - got involved in a massive Twitter war over the weekend, all calling each other names.

- It was basically like Junior High without the Lunch Ladies.

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Jeff Bezos and his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez were photographed kissing in public at a Wimbledon tennis match.

- They smooched right as the announcer said, “40 - Love”… which is also the amount of Billions Bezos is going to be out when Lauren decides the only thing She “Loves” is his $$$.

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Today and Tuesday are “Amazon Prime Days”… with deep discounts of millions of products ranging from Home Assistants to TV’s to Clothing.

- In other words, today is THE DAY to save big on things you don’t need and hadn’t even thought of buying in the first place.

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The London Mail is reporting that British actress Lashana Lynch will be the next James Bond - making her the first woman to play 007.

- In keeping with the #MeToo movement, the movie will be called “Dr. No Means No”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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Jackie here!

It’s 7-11… and that can only mean 2 things: It’s National Free Slurpee Day at 7-Eleven and, more importantly… IT’S MY DAD’S BIRTHDAY!!!

On behalf of my five sisters, Jennifer, Jill, JoAnne, Jessica & Julie - and my wonderful oh-so-missed Mom Gail - I want to say Happy Birthday to the Greatest, Funniest, Smartest, most Caring, Loving and Strongest man we know. Thank you for being our Everything! We Love you so very much today… and EVERYDAY!!!

Love,

All Your Girls

PS - That’s my Dad, with HIS Dad just a few short years ago. (wink wink)

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Dick here! Thank you so much girls… I love you, too!

In other news…

World Cup soccer star Meghan Rapinoe dropped the F-Bomb in front of thousands of young soccer fans attending the victory parade in NYC yesterday that was broadcast LIVE on TV.

- Apparently she thinks “using your head” only applies to action on the field.

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In a new tell-all book about “The View”, former co-host Rosie O’Donnell said working with Whoopi Goldberg was “the worst experience” she’s ever had on live television.

- A lot of people think watching Rosie on “The View” was the worst experience THEY ever had.

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The hottest new fashion trend is a man-bag called the “MURSE,” which is worn strapped across the male body.

- Note to my Daughters: If you’re thinking about getting me a “MURSE” for my birthday… “MON’T”.

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A massive crack in the earth that was caused by Friday’s earthquake in Los Angeles has become a major tourist attraction.

- Or you can save plane fare and just google “Kim Kardashian Butt Selfies”.

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Barbra Streisand seemed to confirm long-standing rumors that she was once involved with Prince Charles when she told concert goers last weekend that “If I’d played my cards right… I could have been the first Jewish Princess”.

- If you don’t count the “Real Housewives of New York”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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A 100 year old man and a 102 year old woman got married after a whirlwind courtship at the Nursing Home they live in.

- Why the rush??

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Politico is reporting that President Trump’s self-admitted “germaphobia” has gotten so bad that he makes everyone who comes into the Oval Office use hand sanitizer.

- As opposed to Bill Clinton who wanted Oval Office house visitors to use the Dry Cleaners.

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Burger King is rolling out a new Burger in the U.K. made with fried cheese patties in place of meat.

- When it comes to watching your cholesterol, this is kind of a lateral move.

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According to a survey, 52 percent of those polled said they give their dogs more kisses than their significant others — and 61 percent said they kiss their dogs on the mouth.

- Women blamed men for not being as affectionate as dogs, whereas the men - as usual - blamed it on the dog.

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Mackenzie Bezos is the world’s 22nd richest person now that her divorce from Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is final, and she’s reportedly received thousands of date offers from men on the internet.

- NOTE: Guys over 60 need not apply since Mackenzie is used to guys in their Prime.

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Forbe’s Magazine announced that the highest paid celebrity in the world is… Taylor Swift… who brought in $180 Million last year.

- But Kanye West said “Beyonce still has the best bank account of all time!”

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday!

-Dick

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Rep. Eric Swalwell of California is dropping out of the Democratic primary after a three-month campaign that failed to gain traction.

- Leading people everywhere to ask: “Who’s Eric Salwell??”

- And just like that there are only 24 Democrats to choose from.

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Whoopi Goldberg told an interviewer that she only dated because she felt she had to and never wanted to get married.

- “Neither did WE” said her three ex-husbands.

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Justin Verlander says that the reason we’re seeing more homers on the field is because the MLB is “juicing the balls” turning baseball into “an f-ing joke”.

- Justin’s allegations are known in baseball circles as “The Sermon on the Mound”.

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Kim Kardashian took to Instagram to post pics of her three year old son Saint’s “adorable cheeks!”.

- They’re just like Kim’s cheeks… except for the being on his face part.

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A gender reveal party on Australia's Gold Coast took a dramatic turn when a car used to spew blue smoke caught on fire.

- Remember the good old days when a “Gender Reveal Party” consisted of you and your spouse glancing down to see what kind of parts your baby was born with?

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AOC and her boyfriend spent part of the holiday weekend at the Hotel McKittrick in NYC where they attended a show described as “a mix of drag, burlesque, circus and vaudeville acts”.

- It was pretty much like being in Congress but with costumes.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

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Congrats to the US Women’s Soccer Team who won the World Cup by defeating the Netherlands 2-0.

- They’re the best players on the planet, Hands Down.

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Scientists say they are inching closer to being able to produce Steaks out of cow cells grown in a lab.

- Why? Are we out of Cows?

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Famed competitive eater Joey Chestnut won Nathan’s “4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest,” for the 12th time, downing 71 dogs in 10 minutes… which is three less than last year’s total of 74.

- Good to see Joey finally doing something about his cholesterol.

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Palace insiders say Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip were “no shows” at Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s baby Archie’s christening over the weekend because they’re tired of Meghans TV-star attitude.

- Meghan was like, “Who died and made you the Queen??”

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A new study out of MSU claims that compatibility is overrated when it comes to having a successful marriage and, at the end of the day, simply finding a nice and pleasant partner is more important.

- So if you can, look for someone like Joy Behar or Rosie O’Donnell.

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A Starbucks barista asked six police officers to leave the coffee shop after a customer said he “didn’t feel safe” with police officers around.

- Lucky for the Barista, the cops will never say they “don’t feel safe” responding when he calls 911 during a stick-up.

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The National Enquirer is reporting that 73 year old Michael Douglas is moving in with his dad Kirk Douglas, because he’s worried about the 102 year old’s health.

- Kirk said, “Just when I thought I was done raising my kids… Mike decides to move back in”.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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From the Purtan family to You and Yours… Happy 4th of July!

Have a Safe, Happy & Healthy Holiday Weekend!

-Dick

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A Broadway producer says he’s been given the green light for “Liberace: The Musical”.

- His original choice had been “My Fair Lady”… but then he realized it was already taken.

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A 35-year-old Sheboygan man was sentenced to 150 days in jail for clogging women's toilets with empty soda bottles… something he says he just “had the urge to do”.

- His soda bottle of choice? Squirt.

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Reservations to Taco Bell’s new hotel in Palm Springs sold out in two minutes.

- It’s the only hotel in history where the maid turns down your bed and leaves a bottle of Gas X on the pillow.

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Arby’s is putting a new twist on the “Burgers made from Vegetables” trend by announcing the release of “Megetables” - Vegetables made out of meat - including a carrot make out of turkey.

- There hasn’t been this much confusion about where something comes from since McDonald’s introduced the McNuggets.

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Kim Kardashian is going to rename her “Kimono” fashion line after being criticized for cultural appropriation.

- In a related story, a group of Baboons is criticizing Kim’s butt for the same thing.

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Joe Biden’s son Hunter told “The New Yorker” that first, he hooked up with his sister-in-law after going on a crack binge and then he married his new wife just one week after he met her.

- This guy makes Billy Carter seem like a campaign asset.

- Hunter’s got a real eye for the ladies. While his Dad, Joe has a real NOSE for the ladies.

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Thomas Jefferson’s birthday, April 13, will no longer be a holiday in the Founding Father’s hometown of Charlottesville, Virginia because Jefferson was a slave owner in the 1700’s.

- NOTE: He also happened to write the Declaration of Independence!!

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Have a great 3rd of July and I’ll see you back here on the 4th!

-Dick

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President Trump became the first sitting U.S. President to step foot into North Korea when he met with Kim Jong-Un in the DMZ.

- Turns out Trump went there by mistake. He thought he was there for the sale on Golf Shoes at DSW.

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While in North Korea, Trump invited Kim Jong-Un to visit the White House this fall.

- But Lil Kim had to turn him down, since he’s do back in Middle School at the end of August.

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Rosie O’Donnell says that “The View”’s Meghan McCain should “stop being mean” to her co-host Joy Behar because Behar is “a living legend”.

- If Joy Behar is a living legend, I’m the Pope.

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NASA confirmed reports that it plans to open the International Space Station to tourism in 2020.

- And you thought the Jet Lag flying to Europe was bad.

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A video of a Grandpa in Cincinnati getting crazy-excited when his Granddaughter gave him tickets to a Lady Gaga concert has gone viral.

- It’s not that he likes her music, it’s just that her meat dress is the closest his cardiologist will let him get to red meat.

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Oprah says her new favorite way to relax is by sipping a cocktail called “Maui in December” that requires a grill, a blender, a fine-mesh sieve, a canning jar and a martini glass and takes 8 hours to make.

- Or you can just crack open a beer.

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Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

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A political website posted a surprising poll last night that showed Rep. Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaii as the overwhelming victor of the first Democratic presidential debate.

- Which begs the question: Who’s Tulsi Gabbard?? (She’s actually an ex Air Force Fighter Pilot)

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According to the poll, Elizabeth Warren came in second place.

- Making her the #2 woman on the Totem Pole.

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Beto O’Rourke received very few votes, despite answering several questions in English AND Spanish.

- He’s the only candidate who can apologize in two languages.

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President Trump watched the debate on his way to Japan and tweeted, “BORING!”

- This is the first time a sitting President has ever tweeted “BORING” while on a “BOEING”.

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According to a new poll by NPR-IBM, 84% of Americans are angrier today compared with a generation ago.

- Is it just me or do all these polls make you mad??

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A Temperance, Michigan man is facing 50 felony counts for allegedly recording other men as they relieved themselves in the bathroom at the bowling alley where he worked.

- Police became suspicious when photos of the men were leaked online.

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OJ Simpson tweeted that when the press camped outside his house, Michael Jackson called and invited him to hide out at Neverland - which he did. Repeatedly.

- Let’s see… A Murderer and a Pedophile getting together for a sleep over. What could go wrong?

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Michigan lost the College World Series Baseball Championship to Vanderbilt last night by losing the best-of-3 final game, 8-2.

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

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