Plus… with Mother’s Day the very next day, Jackie tells us about a very special gift she got from her 10-year-old son Charlie that warmed her heart and froze her “nether regions”! 

And speaking of “mothering”… TIME Magazine’s new “Breast Feeding Cover” is all the rage - and causing some rage as well, with it’s touting of “Total Attachment Parenting”. From NEVER letting your baby cry, letting the “baby” nurse well into toddlerhood, and letting the “little one” sleep in bed with Mom and Dad indefinitely, I think the doctor behind this theory should be put in a “Time Out”! 

From Wedding Bells to Baby Blues… listen in on the conversation right now! 

I hate to run, but I’ve got an appointment at the chiropractor. (Break dancing to that Lada Gaga song seemed like such a great idea at the time…) 

Have a great weekend! 

-Dick 

- Of course at almost $40 a share, most Facebook users are saying LOL to the IPO. 

- Jeff Zuckerberg is so excited he’s already hit the “Like” button on the official Facebook page a million times. 

- If the offering brings in the tens of millions expected, Zuckerberg will be LHAO all the way to the bank! 

- If only John had “rested” instead of “sexted” he wouldn’t be in trouble in the first place. 

- Broadway is already planning a show about the trial… It’s called “Hairspray The Musical - Part II”. 

- Some of the witnesses broke down on the stand… but it wasn’t from emotion, it was the fumes from John’s hairspray.

- And that’s why they call it “Stimulus Money”.

- Another example of your tax dollars hard at work…

- The secret code name for the program was “Cialis Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”. 

- With the exception of Kim Kardashian - where the fat goes right past her waist and straight to her butt. 

- So it takes four hours to fly to Vegas… but only three hours for the free buffet to land on your gut?

In a related story… a new study claims that sleepwalking is not rare in the United States. 

- Which is why I always eat a huge, fatty meal before bed so I can walk it off while I’m sleeping. 

- Of course if everyone flushes at the same time, Tsunami warnings are issued in Hawaii. 

- I thought NYC’s Times Square was the biggest public toilet in the world. 

- The toilet is so big, it’s got it’s own Mayor… a Mr. “Ty. D. Bowl”. 

- Unlike Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who always makes them look good! 

- It was almost as popular as the carnival’s biggest attracton: “Whack-A-Greek”. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with a brand-spanking new Podcast!

-Dick

- So they were forced to order a pizza last night on the Oval Office phone and were confused when Monica Lewinsky showed up. 

- The girls were so angry they sent out mean tweets about their dad and were immediately arrested by the Secret Service for making a threat against the President. 

- I believe this is known as “phone sex”. 

- Experts warn that much like driving, using your cell phone during sex can result in a rear end collision. 

- Bill Clinton always talks on his cell phone during “the deed”… so he can call Hillary and assure her that he’s home vacuuming. 

- He said he was distracted by “the tingle” that went up his leg everytime he pushed the buzzer.

- Chris did ace one category: “American Presidents Whose Last Name Start With ‘O’”.

- So basically the host of “Hardball” couldn’t even get the “softball” questions.  

- If I were her, I wouldn’t be waiting by the phone. 

- I think she stands a better chance of landing the cover of “Leather Face Quarterly”. 

- If they turn her down, she’s offered to have her little girl pose for the Highlights Magazine tanning issue in the Pediatricians office. 

- It will be called “Everybody Loves Raymond… With Some Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti”. 

- That’s because being in such good shape is what got them pregnant in the first place. 

- Maybe they’re just saving up all their energy for “the big push” at the end  of 9 months. 

- Years later, she was beheaded for telling the starving peasants, “Let them eat cake”. Unfortunately for her, there was no Entenmann’s Bakery in Paris. 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

- Zingerman’s Deli has already added “General Tso’s Pastrami” to their menu.

- They’re also offering a new alcoholic beverage: “Let’s Go Brew!” 

- Next week they’ll run a picture of Michelle Obama playing the part of “a beard” with the caption: America’s 1st First Lady Married To A Gay Guy. 

- Donald Trump immediately demanded to see Obama’s credit card receipt from a gay bar. 

- Apparently Obama will bend over backward to get re-elected. 

- If lying on a Social Neworking site is cause for losing your job, everybody on Facebook should be in the unemployment line. 

- Boy… if you can’t lie to your fake friends, who can you lie to? 

- He has already formed a new company: eLieOnYourResume.com

- Well where are we gonna get our TV sets from? 

- Great… something else to keep me awake at night.  

- Japan has now been renamed “The Land of the Raising Not Enough Sons”. 

- They’re going through the usual stages of grief… shock, denial, & signing up for a big bucks TV gig.

- The first episode will be about the day Whitney died and will be titled: “Houstons… We Have a Problem”. 

- Whitney’s aunt Dionne Warwick actually predicted that this would happen, but she charged the family $7.99 a minute to give up the info. 

- It will either last two hours or about five minutes depending on how things go. 

- Nobody knew about it for years because “What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas!” 

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick

####

The Barack Obama campaign website is already selling a line of of gay-themed merchandise including “My Two Moms like Obama” baby onsies, and “I’m Out for Obama” T-shirts. 

- If they really want to encourage re-election, shouldn’t they put the message on “Two-sies” instead of “Onesies”?  

- The Prez has taken it even further, suggesting a reality show called, “America’s Next Same Gay Top Chef”. 

- Queston: How does one know if an infant is gay? Unless he’s a boy and shows no interest in “breast feeding”. 

Twitter is still buzzing over a report that Mitt Romney held down another student in high school and cut his hair because he and his friends thought the guy was gay. Romney has apologized - but says he honestly doesn’t remember the event. 

- Hey… this was in the Woodstock days. Nobody remembers anything from back then. 

- At least it wasn’t John Edwards… he would have hired someone to hold the guy down, cut his hair, and then charge him 200 bucks.  

- If only he’d done this to Donald Trump… he wouldn’t be considered a bully, he’d be a hero.

90-year-old Betty White has endorsed President Obama. 

- I always thought she had something for Bea Arthur during “The Golden Girls”. 

- Betty is very political… she once hosted a lavish dollar-a-plate fundraiser for Abraham Lincoln. 

A White House advisor said that obesity may be the country’s biggest threat to national security. 

- So we don’t need to worry about al Qaeda, we need to worry about “al Fatta”. 

- Michael Moore was immediately put on the “No Fly” list. 

TIME Magazine is getting a lot of attention over it’s latest cover featuring a breastfeeding mother. 

- People wouldn’t care so much if the “baby” wasn’t 18-years-old. 

- So basically TIME is the new National Geographic.                              

According to the Post Office, Mother’s Day is still the #1 day for greeting cards. 

- Of course “Octomom” sort of throws off the curve. 

- Father’s Day is a close second, but the illegitimate kids of NBA players don’t buy their dad’s cards because they don’t know where to send them. 

NYC officials say that “butt dials” accounted for nearly 40 percent of the 911 calls received in 2010.

- Officials say this shows a crack in the system that needs to be fixed. 

Have a great weekend and Congratulations to Jill and Mark! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #42

P.S. Sunday is, of course, “Mother’s Day”, and in keeping with tradition, I’m posting a song I used to play in honor of all the Moms (and Dads) out there every year on the radio! Enjoy! 

If It Wasn’t For Your Father Would Your Mother Be Your Mother?

- The Gay community is thrilled… but this doesn’t mean they’ll vote the “straight” Democratic ticket. 

- Critics say he only made the announcement to shore up the critical “hair dresser vote”. 

- This marks the first and only time the President has taken advice from Joe Biden. 

- So it’s okay for a guy to marry his sister… just not his best friend. 

  - John Edwards applauded the move saying it’s about time people 

stood up for the sanctity of marriage! 

- This new underwear explodes while you’re wearing it, as opposed to “Spanx” which makes a woman explode when she takes it off.  

- When he got his diploma, he threw his cap in the air and millions of teenage girls across America threw their training bras in the air. 

- That diploma will really come in handy in case the whole music-thing doesn’t work out for him. 

- A lot of people now have “Reservations” about voting for her. 

- She calls questions about her heritage, “A lot of Sitting Bull!”  

- Some say Warren is indeed a Native American but say she has a rather “loose” past. They call her a Nava-Ho. 

- Much like a car, the home is listed as “previously enjoyed”. 

- Prospective buyers are lining up to find out what’s behind the Green Door. 

- The house is a “Do-plex”.