An adult humpback whale is free after marine biologists removed 285 feet of braided rope from it's mouth. 

- The whale said, "So much for dental flossing". 

*****

Medical researchers are warning that stifling a sneeze can rupture your throat, burst an eardrum, or pop a blood vessel in your brain. 

- To those who figured this out, I say God Bless You! 

- The only thing more dangerous is sneezing on someone who doesn't buy your story:  "I'm not sick... It's just allergies". 

*****

20 years ago this week, America learned about the affair between Bill & Monica.

- The traditional 20th Anniversary gift for this sort of thing is a box of cigars. 

- 75% people didn't believe Bill when he said, "I did not have sex with that woman... Miss Lewinsky",  but 100% believed him when he said "I did not have sex with that woman... Hillary Clinton",  last week. 

*****

CNN broadcast the word "S---hole" 195 times in a 24 hour period vs. zero on ABC & Fox. NBC said the "S" word once.  

- Trump immediately tweeted "CNN SAD! What a bunch of A--holes!"

*****

Twitter insiders claim the company employs 400 workers to look at and save all users sex pics and tweets, then sells info about their "interests" to the highest bidder. 

- 400 sounds like a lot until you realize that 399 of them are responsible for collecting pics from Anthony Weiner. 

*****

An app called "Natural Cycles" that claims to be 'as effective as the pill' has been reported to Swedish authorities after 37 women claim they ended up pregnant. 

- This is what happens when you rely on birth control you bought with your iTunes account. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Hawaiian residents and tourists spen 38 minutes in terror after an emergency Tweet was accidentally sent out saying that the Islands were about to be hit by a nuclear missile. 

- Most people found out about it on their phones, but Gilligan and the Skipper didn't know until they heard the news bulletin on the radio the Professor made out of a coconut. 

*****

The Hawaiian government employee who accidentally sent the impending doom tweet has been "reassigned". 

- So now, if you want to get shocked by an alert on your phone you'll have to follow President Trump on Twitter. 

*****

Kim Jong Un's BFF Dennis Rodman was arrested for drunk driving in California Saturday night. 

- The two of them were thousands of miles apart, but both spent their weekends talking about getting bombed. 

*****

A prankster projected the word "S---hole" onto Prez. Trumps Washington, D.C. hotel Saturday night to protest Trump's using the word to describe Haiti. 

- What was Trump thinking? This would have been the perfect time to use "Covfefe". 

*****

Hooters is now offering home delivery of their Chicken Wings. 

- For no extra charge, each order comes with two breasts. 

*****

According to new research, most women want to look like they're 37. 

- And if you don't believe 'em, just take a look at the "current" profile pictures of 50-year-old women on Match.com. 

*****

Today, of course, is Martin Luther King Jr. Day!  I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Billionaire investor Warren Buffet told CNBC he has no interest in having a smartphone and is sticking with his low-tech flip-phone. 

- So basically I'm the same person as Warren Buffet... except for the "Billionaire investor" part. 

*****

The author of the new book "Fire & Fury" claims that Donald and Melania are the first Presidential couple to sleep in separate bedrooms since John and Jackie Kennedy.

- Three words: Bill and Hillary.

*****

Harvey Weinstein and his wife Georgina have filed for divorce. 

- Why? Did he do something to upset her??

*****

Immigration agents raided one hundred 7-Eleven stores around the country in an effort to crack down on illegal hiring. 

- 21 illegal workers were apprehended. Along with three hot dogs which have been "on the roller" since 2008.

*****

Jay Leno says that Trump has made late nite TV "depressing" and that it was more fun to make jokes about "Bush being dumb and Clinton being horny". 

- I thought according to a lot of people, Trump is BOTH. 

*****

The married stars of "My 600 Pound Life", 714 lb. Lee Sutton and his 542 lb. wife Rena Kiser announced that they'd lost enough weight so they had sex for the first time.

- Or at least they THINK they did.  

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

LG has unveiled a new 65" TV that can be rolled up like a newspaper and put away when you're not watching it. 

- Even better, you can take it into the bathroom with you, unroll it,  and watch "Game of Thrones". 

*****

A survey by the Commerce Department is predicting a surge in Construction jobs in late 2018. 

- Sounds like it's time for the Village People to make a comeback. 

*****

NYC held it's annual "Pantsless Subway Ride" yesterday. 

- Anthony Weiner spent the day in his prison cell under a 24-hour Suicide Watch. 

*****

After tense talks, officials announced that North Korean athletes will travel to South Korea to compete in the upcoming Olympics there. 

- The games don't start until February, but Kim Jong Un claims North Korea has already taken the Gold, Silver and Bronze in every event. 

*****

Some Historians are upset about President Obama's plans to include a yoga studio, basketball court and "test kitchen" in his Presidential Library set to open in Chicago in 2021.

- Obama poo-pooed the critics saying, "If I like my yoga studio, basketball court and test kitchen, I can KEEP my yoga studio, basketball court and test kitchen." 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Sunday Night's Golden Globes was awash in actresses dressed in black to protest sexual harassment, and speeches saying that women must be heard. 

- Bill Clinton applauded the move, adding that even in Black, "those chicks looked HOT". 

*****

Social media went crazy with support after host Seth Meyers floated the idea of Oprah running for President in 2020. 

- And unlike with Obama... if Oprah promises everyone a new car, we'll probably get it! 

- Oprah said she was bowled over by the support, but mad at herself for using up a weeks worth of Weight Watcher points on hor d'oeurves at the post-party. 

*****

President Trump responded to criticisms of his mental health over the weekend by tweeting, "I'm like, really smart. A very stable genius". 

- It reminds me of Einstein's famous quote:  "E = like, MC Squared".

*****

A psychiatrist from Yale University claims that Trump - although she's never met him - "may lead to the extinction of the Human species". 

- Wait... I thought Global Warming was going to do that? I just read about it while huddling under a blanket to fight off the -25 degree wind chill. 

*****

It's Kim Jong Un's Birthday! The madman of North Korea turn 34 today. 

- He'll celebrate with a nuclear missile launch before heading over to Chuck E. Cheese for a pizza party. 

- He wanted a Bouncy House, but he's over the recommended weight limit. 

*****

It's National Show and Tell at Work Day!

- Or as Matt Lauer and Harvey Weinstein used to call it: Monday.

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

In the span of 24 hours, former Trump advisor Steve Bannon called Trump Jr. "treasonous", Trump Sr. said Bannon had "Lost his job and his mind" and Bannon turned around and called The Prez "A Great Man". 

- I've got such whiplash I'm about to Call Sam! 

*****

A fire broke out in a guest bedroom at the Clinton Compound in Chappaqua , NY yesterday.

- Luckily no one was hurt... but despite her best effort to fan the flames, Hillary's "Lost" emails survived the blaze.

- There hasn't been that much heat in the sheets since Bill's last visit to the Lincoln Bedroom. 

*****

The East Coast is bracing for a "Bomb Cyclone" storm that will bring bitter cold, ice and wicked wind gusts. 

- The unofficial name of the storm is the "Rosie O'Donnell". 

*****

A new book claims that President Trump's hairdo is the result of very cheap dye and a "scalp reduction". 

- He allegedly had the scalp reduction at the same time he had an "Ego Enhancement".  

*****

Celebrity trainer Harry Hanson announced that he's now offering naked workout sessions at his NYC gym. 

- This could start a new trend of co-ed Push-Ups.  

*****

A hotel in San Francisco is now offering guests who miss their pets a paid "meet and greet" with a puppy in their room. 

- If you miss your wife and want to get the cold shoulder, they'll send up a cat instead. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday! 

-Dick 

It's cold out! How cold is it? 

- It's so cold... Harvey Weinstein and Matt Lauer are spending the day with their pants on.

*****

In response to Kim Jong Un's claim that he has a "nuclear button" on his desk, President Trump tweeted that he has one too, and that "It's bigger and it actually works". 

- Trump may have small hands, but I'm bettin' his button is still bigger than KJU's. 

*****

Alaska Airlines has reportedly banned a male passenger for life, after accusing him of touching a female flight attendant on the butt - a claim he denies. 

- He should have flown United. They wouldn't have banned him, they would have just dragged him off the plane. 

*****

A new international study found that people who swear a lot tend to lie less than their more cleaner-mouthed counterparts. 

- Do I believe this story? Hell, yeah! 

*****

Another study found that, due to images & posts on social media, Millennials are much more obsessed with "perfection" than their parents. 

- For instance, they have to have the PERFECT couch and big screen TV for the apartment they live in... in their parents' basement. 

*****

Hoda Kotb got Matt Lauers job... but not his paycheck. While he made $18 mil a year, Hoda will just get $7mil. 

- I guess NBC figures she won't need the extra $11 mil for sexual harassment pay-offs. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Hoda Kotb, current co-host of the 4th hour of the Today Show with Kathy Lee Gifford will officially replace Matt Lauer on the morning show.

- Kathy Lee tweeted that she's thrilled for her Partner in Wine. (I'm pretty sure she meant "Partner in CRIME", but as they say... It's always 5pm somewhere).

*****

CNN replaced Anderson Cooper's former New Year's Eve co-host Kathy Griffin with Bravo's Andy Cohen... making them the first openly gay duo to host the Times Square event. 

- There hasn't been that much giggling since Hasbro introduced "Tickle Me Elmo". (Not that there's anything wrong with that!) 

*****

Meanwhile, CNN is facing backlash for featuring a seemingly out-of-it reporter, wearing "weed" earings while holding a lit joint at a pot party in Colorado during their New Year's Eve coverage.

- Viewers caught on when the reporter said she was waiting for the Bong to drop. 

*****

Pope Francis urged his churchgoers to get rid of "useless baggage" in 2018. 

- And if you want to get rid of ALL your baggage, just book a flight on Southwest Airlines. 

*****

A survey by Northern Michigan University found that the phrase that people want banned most from the English language is "fake news". 

- Of course, I have no idea if this story is real or not.  

*****

Students at the University of Rome figured out that one of their popular math professors is a former gay porn star. 

- They got suspicious when one student recognized the prof as the star of the adult film set during World War II called "I've Done Kirk". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!

-Dick 

Welcome to the end of 2017, the beginning of 2018 & a special Christmas/New Year's Holiday Podcast... #224!  Join me and three of the six Purtan girls - Jackie, Jill & JoAnne - as we gather around the Purtan dining room table to share memories of our annual trips to Buffalo to visit the girl's Grandma and Grandpa (aka Gail's Mom & Dad) and, of course, wait for Santa!

From a scandalous secret trip downstairs to see if St. Nick & Rudolph had been by..."Christmas Carols and Pickled Pigs Feet" at 90-something GREAT Grandma LaFleur's house... and the kids showering "in threes" to save time and water, the stories flow like Egg Nog at an office party.

If you want to use your "Nog"-gin... Jill fills us in on the new internet trivia sensation "HQ" - that you play twice a day with millions of people internationally - that actually pays off in cash for the winners!

And, finally, our Amazon "Alexa" interrupts our conversation when somebody around the table accidentally mentions her name. (Finally a woman at the table whose name doesn't start with a "J"!)  We join in with Alexa and Frank Sinatra for a musical celebration of New Year's Eve with a stirring rendition of "New York, New York!". 

So while you're waiting for the Ball to Drop... or just dropping by between Football games (Go Blue & Congrats to MSU!) tune in to Podcast #224! 

And from the entire Purtan Family to you and yours... Happy New Year! May 2018 be filled with Health, Happiness, Peace & Joy! 

-Dick

One year ago today... I wrote a love-letter of sorts to my wife Gail on the occasion of our Wedding Anniversary. I hope you will indulge me as I repost the words I wrote about her last year. As we celebrate another year together, they are truer than ever. 

*****

On this day...a few years back... (ahem) I had the honor of marrying Gail Nulton, my high school sweetheart and the girl of my dreams. I was 16 and she was 15 when we met. Four and a half years later, we "took the plunge" as they say, and said our "I Do's" on a cold day in our hometown of Kenmore, NY. The photo below was snapped at her parent's house right after we returned from our brief honeymoon in NYC. Thus the slightly nervous smiles on both of our faces!! The two of us knowing that the two of them knew, that we knew, that they knew, well... you get the picture. Those were different days... 

Gail, the kindest, most giving woman I've ever known, cheered me on as we zig-zagged across the country from one radio station to another, finally landing in Detroit, as I pursued my dream of making it in Radio. And always with a smile on her face. (Even when we moved to Baltimore and I was fired after 5 weeks - just as she finished hanging the curtains!) 

Along the way, she gave me (at least I think they're mine) 6 beautiful girls. Over the years, lots of people have said, "Dick... 6 Girls! You're amazing!" and I always reply, "Hey... it took Gail 54 months... It's only took me 6 minutes!" (But I don't mean to brag).

Our beautiful girls went on to bless us with eight incredible grandchildren - 2 Girls - and, unbelievably, 6 Boys! And I think it says a lot about Gail that everyone in our family lives within 20 minutes of our house. 

Our life together has been an incredible adventure... meeting John F. Kennedy... our home movies with The Beatles taken when we brought them to Cincinnati in 1964... Gail singing a duet with Regis Philbin a few years ago at Andiamo's... and so much more. 

We have been lucky enough to take wonderful vacations... with our family... with friends... and sometimes, just the two of us. 

We have faced down health crises both with our kids and ourselves. In fact, next month marks 20 years since Gail was diagnosed with advanced Ovarian Cancer and given a 20% chance of making it 5 years. 

Two decades later, she is here, next to me as always, celebrating the Anniversary of our Wedding. 

This time of year, with Christmas just days away, you often come across "It's A Wonderful Life" on TV. 

And I can tell you... Thanks to the strong, beautiful, funny, generous, charitable, thoughtful and loving young girl sitting next to the guy with the crooked smile... mine, indeed, has been... and continues to be... A Wonderful Life. 

Happy Anniversary Gail. I Love You more than you can ever know! 

-Dick

Studies show more and more companies are banning alcohol from their office Christmas Parties this year to decrease the chances of "sexual harassment". 

- So the bottom line is: If you want to Xerox your butt on the copy machine you're going to have to do it sober.  

- Even Santa has banned booze at the North Pole after Blitzen pulled out his Jingle Bells in front of Vixen. 

*****

Two moms were arrested after getting into a violent brawl at an Indianapolis Chuck E. Cheese. 

- The judge set the bail at 10 million tickets. 

*****

33% of Americans consider “whatever” to be the most annoying word or phrase. “Fake news” takes second place with 23% and "No offense" comes in third with 20%. 

- Whatever... No offense, but I'm pretty sure this is fake news. 

*****

Arby's is selling "beefy" sweat suits covered in pictures of different cuts of meat. 

- They come in Small, Medium, and "Lady Gaga". 

*****

Scientists in Japan claim that Sex Robots will soon be so intelligent, they may cheat on their human owners. 

- Wow. If you can't count on your plastic sex doll to be faithful to you, who can you trust??? 

- If you want something plastic that will cheat on you, why not just date Pam Anderson? 

*****

A sex doll expo is Malasia was called off after a group of Muslim extremists made terrorist threats. 

- Apparently they weren't quite ready to be around 72 virgins. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

For $500 bucks, Macys in NYC is allowing parents to "make appointments" for their kids to see Santa and avoid waiting in long lines. 

- Parents are so excited they're wetting their pants... just like their kids are going to do when they land on Santa's lap. 

*****

A growing number of people are paying as much as $500 for "Half-Christmas Trees" that can be placed against a wall to save space. 

- Say what you will, but it's a great way to Spruce up a small apartment for the Holidays. 

*****

More than 3.6 million Japanese families in Japan have pre-ordered their traditional Christmas dinner: The KFC "At Christmas You Eat Chicken" holiday feast. 

- Nothing say's "Merry Christmas" like a side of coleslaw. 

- The meal is so popular, it's even mentioned in the traditional Japanese Christmas song, "Grandma Got Runover By A Honda". 

*****

Marijuana aficionados rolled a 100 foot long joint at an expo in Massachusetts on Sunday. 

- It broke the record for "Most Hits" previously held by naked pictures of Kate Upton on Instagram. 

*****

Showtime announced that Stephen Colbert will produce an animated series on the network based on President Trump. (Talk about beating a dead horse). 

- Picture Homer Simpson with orange hair and a twitter account. D'oh! 

*****

The AVN's - the Porn industries version of the Oscars - announced that it's upcoming ceremony will be hosted by rapper Lil Wayne. 

- Their first choice was The Notorious B.I.G. -- but he's no longer with us. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

Pope Francis celebrated his 81st Birthday by hosting a Pizza Party with children at the Vatican in Rome. 

- He had a coupon for Little Caesars.  

- Insiders say His Holiness ate six slices of Pope-e-roni and Cheese. 

*****

Meryl Streep is leading a team of actresses who will wear black at the Golden Globes to protest sexual harassment. 

- Some will accent their dresses with a #MeToo pin, while Meryl will just speak in 17 different accents. 

*****

Despite common belief, Scientists say that all of Santa's reindeer are FEMALE, not MALE, because Male reindeer shed their antlers before December.

- Santa disagreed, saying he could never find every house in the world in one night if he had to stop for directions all the time. 

- The study also noted that "Prancer" is gay. 

*****

Need a gift for the golfer in your life? A novelty company is offering a mini-putting green that fits around the toilet so the recipient can practice putting while... well, you get the idea. 

- But instead of yelling "FORE"... you yell "TWO"!

*****

Officials at the Centers for Disease Control were given a list of 7 words they're no longer allowed to use, including "diversity," "fetus," "transgender," "vulnerable," "entitlement," "science-based" and "evidence-based."

- George Carlin's sitting somewhere right now goin', "Are you KIDDING me???"

*****

Researchers in Japan claim there's a growing amount of sex between monkeys and deer in the wild. 

- Giving a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Not tonight Deer, I have a headache". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

A Japanese stylist is using hair dye and tattoo ink to give customers "Donald Trump on the back of their heads". 

- You may not have seen that coming... but you can sure see it going. 

*****

Arnold Schwarzenegger rode a bicycle through Paris and criticized the President Trump over his decision to pull out of the Paris Climate Change deal. 

- Arnold should stick to doing what he does best. The housekeeper.

*****

A former female "Jeopardy!" champ has been charged with illegally accessing e-mail accounts at Adrian College.

- The Police Report read: "Jail Time"... "What is what the former Champ may be facing?"

*****

Matt Laurer has been seen driving around the Hamptons now that he's out of a job. 

- He was incognito, but the "Honk If I've Harassed You!" bumper sticker on his car gave him away. 

*****

CVS has purchased Aetna healthcare for $68 billion dollars. 

- I think we can all feel good about having our Colonoscopies covered by the same company that sells the "As Seen On TV" Drain Snake. 

*****

Citizens in the Irish town where Viagra is manufactured say that sniffing the air is making men aroused. 

- So it's true... "Oh Danny Boy... The Pipes, The Pipes Are Calling!"

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick

The movie Casablanca turns 75 years old this week. 

- If you don't celebrate, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon... and for the rest of your life.

*****

Police in Nevada arrested a woman on suspicion of drunk driving after she drove down a highway the wrong way, danced atop her SUV and attempted to flee from officers on a kid's scooter.

- She not only tried to get away on a kid's scooter, but fell off the wagon too.

*****

Vladimir Putin announced that he will run for President again in the upcoming 2018 election. 

- He's going to re-use his last successful campaign slogan..."Make America Great Again". 

*****

A Service Dog broke free from his owner and attacked an actress singing in her kitten costume during a performance of CATS on Broadway.

- It happened around Midnight... Not a sound from the pavement. 

- The actress wasn't hurt... but did cough up a furball. 

*****

The top Gossip Editor for the National Enquirer has been accused of sexual harassment. 

- According to their reports, he groped an actress who, it turns out, is the Love Child of Ellen DeGeneres and the Ghost of Teddy Roosevelt. 

*****

It's "National Gazpacho Day"! 

- What better way to shake off the arctic chill than with a steaming hot bowl of Gazpacho! 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

They finally brought down the Silverdome yesterday after their first attempt failed over the weekend. 

- Same old. Same old. Just another Bomb on a Sunday that was incomplete at the Silverdome. 

*****

This morning, 88 year old John Conyers announced that he is retiring - not resigning - effective immediately and endorsed his son John Conyers III for his seat in Congress. 

- Apparently John Sr. has high gropes... uh, "hopes" for his son's political future. 

- Conyers said he's retiring due to health concerns and not because of sexual harassment claims. Uh, huh. Yup. Gotcha. 

*****

Conyer's "retirement" came just hours after new allegations that he put his hand up a woman's skirt and fondled her thigh while they were sitting in the front pew of Church. 

- Luckily, his wife Monica is very understanding and rarely flies off the handle. 

*****

A series of photos of Madonna doing ballet in the nude are going up for auction. 

- Her enthusiasm for the dance is said to be "Infectious". Just like she is. 

*****

British Airways has begun boarding planes in order of how much people paid for their tickets, with the highest going first.

- In a related story, United Airlines will begin dragging passengers off their planes starting with those who paid the least. 

***** 

Customs agents stopped a woman who tried to smuggle 250 pounds of Bologna across the border in her car yesterday. 

- Her lawyer claims she had no idea Micheal Moore was hiding in her trunk. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

It's National "Wear Brown Shoes Day". Which reminds me of the time I, for some reason, thought it was a good idea to wear brown shoes with a Black Tux during an interview with then Bruce Jenner at the Autoshow. 

- It was embarrassing... then again, I'm not the one in the picture who ended up wearing high heels. 

*****

Despite fanfare and a huge "Boom", The Pontiac Silverdome remained standing after the attempted implosion Sunday morning due to some explosives that didn't go off.  

- The company responsible says their demolition team is "in a rebuilding" phase. 

*****

Time Magazine announced their finalists for this years "Person of the Year" and they include President Trump, Kim Jong Un and Colin Kaepernick. 

- "Tweet, Bomb & Kneel"... if none of them win, they could always form a morning radio team. 

*****

British Royalty Experts say that Prince Harry's fiancee Meghan Merkle needs to stop crossing her legs in public, which is considered a Royal no-no. 

- But they say she'd better uncross them in private if she and Harry expect to end up with an "Heir and a Spare".

*****

The Sheriff of a small town in Texas said he will no longer give hugs in the workplace and will stick to "handshakes and knuckle bumps" in the wake of so many sexual harassment allegations. 

- Is it just me or does a "Knuckle Bump" sound like something that could still get you in trouble? 

*****

Medical experts say that men can actually be allergic to sex, and suffer flu-like symptoms for up to 7 days after doing the horizontal mambo. 

- No wonder Harvey Weinstein always looks so clammy. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday! 

-Dick 

Matt Lauer reportedly had a secret button under his desk so he could lock his office door remotely after asking women to come in. 

- Luckily he didn't have one of those automatic light switches... or they would've faced "Clap on! Clap off! The Clapper!"

*****

88 year old John Conyers was hospitalized for "stress" this morning over the sexual harassment claims against him. 

- When he fell ill, his wife Monica let out a "Shrek"... oops, I mean "Shriek". 

*****

Brown University is now allowing applicants to “self-identify” as persons of color.

- When I applied to Syracuse I "self-identified" as "Valedictorian"... It didn't work! 

*****

NPR's Garrison Keiller was fired for admittedly putting his hand up the back of a woman's blouse that he was "trying to console".  

- Apparently he liked to do more than tell stories to his Prairie Home Companions. 

*****

Matt Lauer broke his silence this morning, saying that while some of the allegations against him are "misrepresentations" there's "enough truth" in them that he's sorry for any hurt that he caused. 

- But mostly he sorry for getting caught. 

*****

A man who robbed a bank in Massachusetts was arrested by police after he was found hiding in a Porta-Potty. 

- If there's ever been a time for "Money Laundering"... that time is now.  

- He told the cops he stole the money and hid out there because he didn't have a pot to pee in. 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!

-Dick 

Matt Lauer has been fired by NBC's Today Show after a staffer came forward claiming the $25 Million a year longtime host had sexually assaulted her during the 2016 Rio Olympics... and they don't believe it's a one-time incident.  

- Finally an answer to the question "Where In The World Is Matt Lauer?". He's in the Unemployment Line.  

*****

Meanwhile a male staffer who used to work for John Conyers says almost everyone who worked for Conyers saw him in his underwear. 

- The man's name is Bob Weiner. Seriously. Bob Weiner. You can't make this stuff up. 

*****

The President of the Navajo Nation said it was culturally insensitive for President Trump to call Elizabeth Warren "Pocahontas" during a ceremony honoring Native Americans. 

- Trump immediately Tweeted: "I meant NO offense! Honest Injun!" 

*****

Pamela Anderson sent Kim Kardashian a Faux fur coat for Christmas along with a litter begging Kim to stop wearing fur. 

- Most people don't care what Kim wears... as long as she wears SOMETHING. 

*****

Troubled Mexican restaurant chain Chipotle is looking to hire a new CEO. 

- Interested applicants must have a BA, MBA, PhD and an E. Coli.

- The current CEO is stepping down "due to health reasons". Apparently he's been eating at his own restaurant. 

*****

A British company has developed a "Smart Condom" that will record data from your performance and give you a rating. 

- If the man's results are announced by Siri... It would be the new high tech version of a "Threesome". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

Early estimates indicate that Cyber Monday sales generated over $3.45 Billion in revenue. 

- I'm a happy dancin' guy... The Bedazzled Elvis Throw Pillow I ordered FOR 70% OFF should be on my porch by Friday!!!

*****

Oddsmakers are already taking bets on where newly engaged Prince Harry will hold his Bachelor Party. 

- I did Nazi that one coming.

*****

The White House is reportedly considering a ban on all cell phones in an effort to cut down on leaks. 

- Put another way, they're trying to get President Trump to stop Tweeting. 

*****

A study by the University of Nevada found that men tend to be less masculine and heterosexual if their wives keep their maiden names. 

- Try telling that to Hillary Rodham Clinton. 

*****

More sexual harassment allegations against John Conyers and meanwhile Harvey Weinstein is facing sex trafficking charges. 

- Santa's gonna need a boatload of coal to fill all the "Naughty" people's stockings this year. 

*****

Elementary School teachers in Ontario are being taught new sexual terms including "Demisexual -  a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone."

- I believe this used to be known as "Falling In Love". 

*****

Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick