"Car In A Wreck? How Can I Help You...SHREK?"

As part of Monica Conyers early release from prison it was required that she get a job…and she did! She’s working at the Metroshop Collision repair shop in Corktown answering phones. 

- Her boss says she’s doing great…except when gets mad at the customers, calls them “Shrek”, and hangs up on ‘em.

- A collision shop is a lot like the Detroit City Council. They promise you they’ll get something done in a week and it takes a month and comes in over budget.  

***** 

The U.S. will be represented at the Vatican for the installation ceremony for Pope Francis by Joe Biden. According to reports he doesn’t speak English.  

- And neither does the Pope.   

- Bill Clinton wanted to go to meet chicks, but declined when he found out the “College of Cardinals” isn’t Co-ed.  

***** 

Scientists say sex in space may be bad for your health.  

- Besides, it’s hard to fit two claw footed bathtubs inside the spaceship. 

***** 

McDonald’s is introducing an Egg McMuffin without a yolk.

- Luckily you can still get the Sat Fat you crave by ordering a large fry to go with it. 

***** 

Clint Eastwood was on hand for the wedding of his daughter Allison this weekend. 

- Clint got mad when he asked the groom, “Do you feel lucky, punk?” and the guy responded, “Heck…I got lucky with her on our first date!” 

- Clint then hit him over the head with a Magnum of Champagne. 

***** 

At the Gay & Lesbian awards, Madonna, while giving a prize to Anderson Cooper, protested the Boy Scouts’ ban on Gays by wearing a Boy Scout uniform.

- She’s a real trooper…she even wore her STD Merit Badge! 

***** 

Have a great day…and FYI, I’m taking a few weeks off from doing my regular Friday Podcast. So for your listening pleasure, for the first time ever we have a complete list of links to ALL the Podcasts we’ve done, from the very first one, right up to the very latest. All 76 of them are ready for you to click on and listen to ON OUR HOMEPAGE! NOTE: You don’t have to listen to them all at once… pick your favorite number and give it a shot!

Have a great Monday and I’ll see you back here tomorrow!

-Dick  

Day 3 In Prison: Kwame Turns To Online Dating Site For Romance!

Hey BFF (Best Ferginator Forever)… need your opinion. Found a great dating website for inmates - e-Incarcerated.com - and wrote up a little profile for myself on some toilet paper. Would love your input, Bro. I’d ask my cell mate, but he’d only get jealous. He says he’s looking for a “commited relationship”, winks at me,  and keeps asking me if his orange jumpsuit makes his butt look big. (It does btw).

Here my Profile: 

What’s up yo? Are you a hot lonely chick who has a thing for wrongly concicted Felonious Fellas? Has a conjugal visit always been your idea of the perfect “Date Night”? Are you looking for a guy who will spend big bucks buying you the things you deserve… from the prison commissary? Then look no further!

I am a slim and trim man - handsome as hell - (think Denzel Washington) in incredible shape. I am very well off financially. (In an effort to be honest - which I ALWAYS AM… I do owe a little bit of money to a city in the Midwest but it’s not much…think parking ticket).  

I am not married (as far as you know) but would be willing to settle down with the right girl. 

Are you that girl? I hope so… Do you enjoy getting together two Sundays a month between 1pm and 2pm, holding hands in a room full of convicts and armed guards? Do you enjoy funny stories about guys getting shived in the shower? Do you like watching puffy clouds through windows with bars on them? Would you be willing to relocate to an as yet unnamed city with a Federal Prison in the area? If so, you could be “The One”!

Looks are not important to me…Your HEART is what matters! (Although willingness to slip me a few bucks now and then would be a plus.) 

If you’re interested in a long-term (say, 20+ year) relationship and have ever worked as a pole-dancer,  e-mail me your bio and pic (clothes optional) ASAP. 

I am waiting for you, oh woman of my dreams. 

Looking forward to your prompt response so we can begin our future together and start gettin’ it on. 

Yours,

Hot-In-The-Slammer

White Smoke From Joint Leads People To Believe Willie Nelson Elected Pope!

This morning, on day two of the Papal Conclave, the Cardinals sent a message that they had not come to a decision by sending up a puff of black smoke from the Sistine Chapel. 

- In related news, a puff of white smoke was seen coming out of Willie Nelson’s tour bus signaling a new member will be inducted into the Grand Ole Opry’s Hall of Fame. 

***** 

Nostradamus predicted that this will be the last Pope. 

- He also predicted that Jimmy Fallon will soon replace Jay Leno on the Tonight Show. 

***** 

Dennis Rodman announced that he’ll be heading back to North Korea this summer to vacation with his BFF Kim Jong Un. 

- They’ll do the usual stuff… swim, camp out, and aim nuclear missiles at the U.S. 

***** 

Saudi Arabia may stop beheadings because there is a shortage of swordsmen. 

- Heads are gonna roll over this decision.

- Apparently nobody wants the job because all you get is severance pay. 

**** 

Ken - of Ken and Barbie - celebrates his 52nd Birthday today.   

- As a birthday gift to himself, Ken is having one of those walk-in bathtubs installed in the Malibu Dream House. 

***** 

According to a new study, sperm is healthiest in late winter and early spring.

- Apparently that’s when most of them sign up for swimming lessons at the Y. Or is it the X? 

- It was also announced that most of the sperm exercise, while listening to Paul Simons, “Mama Don’t Take My Chromosomes Away!”  

***** 

A recent study found that half of Americans are NOT saving for retirement. 

- Of course, saving for retirement is easier if you actually have a job. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll be back here tomorrow with another Prison Letter from my favorite convicted fellon, K. Kilpatrick! 

-Dick

Kwame Pens A Letter In The Pen...

Dear Abby, 

Tossed and turned all last night wondering if I should write to you. (Or it could have been my cell mate Bubba’s snorin’ that kept me up…I’m not sure.)

First a fashion question…Is orange a hot color this season? And if so, do I look good in it? 

Now, let me back up a bit… (not something I recommend if you’re ever in the hooscow). Yesterday, in a total miscarriage of justice, I was convicted of a couple, uh, a few, well…24 federal charges that I swear on my father’s grave I’m not guilty of. 

Okay…my father is technically alive, but I could have killed him yesterday when he skated off with only ONE Guilty verdict. Let me tell you, he did a whole lot more than file a false tax return… but I’ll save that for another letter. 

Here’s what happened:  The Evil Feds coerced the stupid jury into believing that I did a lot of criminal stuff for “my personal gain”. And then to make matters even more unjust, the chick Judge opened a can of whoop ass on me, and ordered that I go to jail until I’m sentenced. 

Apparently she thinks I’m a flight risk. C’mon! Just cuz I happen to have some “associates” with private planes and untold millions hidden in off-shore accounts… She done treated me like a common criminal. I don’t mean to Brag, but I am no “Common Criminal”. I was the MAYOR OF THE CITY OF DETROIT!!!!!

The bottom line is (another term I’ve learned you don’t throw around in the slammer) I was hopin’ that you, my Dear, Dear Abby - and your readers - can see from this letter that I am a good, honest former Mayor. And I’d like to ask you a teensy weensy favor…

Is there anyway you could shoot off a text to the Judge and try to get this mistake cleared up? (Or at the very least, arrange for some conjugal visits? There’s this one girl named Christine that I know would be more than willing to bump uglies with me…)

Well, I gotta go… Time for a strip seach and then off to the prison tattoo artist for an estimate! 

Please respond A.S.A.P.! BTW… if YOU need money, I’ll get you hooked up…

Yours, 

Wrongly Convicted in Detroit

*****

Have a great day and we’ll have another Prison letter from “The Kwaminator” tomorrow… (One of my ex-sons-in-law works in the Prison Mail Room.)

-Dick

G...G-U-I-L-T-Y, You Ain't Got No Alibi! YOU GUILTY!!!!!

Kwame and his BFF and co-conspirator Bobby Ferguson found guilty of most Federal Charges including the Big One — RICO — Racketeering Influenced and Corrupt Organization.

KWAME: 24 GUILTY, 3 Not Guilty and 3 No Verdict.

BOBBY: 9 GUILTY (including RICO, Bribery and Extortion)

BERNARD (Daddy) KILPATRICK: 1 GUILTY - (filing false tax return) 

*****  

Cardinals at the Vatican are beignning their Conclave to pick the next Pope, and there is a social media blackout to keep them from being influenced by the Internet.  

- Vatican officials have however, invited Simon Cowell to come in and judge the singing portion of “The Pope’s Got Talent”.  

- Now “Angry Birds” will be called “Angry Cardinals”. 

***** 

In Rome, Swiss guards caught an imposter dressed as a cardinal who tried to join the conclave.

- I guess Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI is already bored with his retirement.

- If he just hadn’t worn his secret pair of red shoes no one would have noticed!

***** 

Employees of Weight Watchers are complaining that about their wages. 

- Apparently, they’re not happy about the number they see on the Pay Scale. 

***** 

An Indian man posted a photo of his tattoo of the Netflix logo on Twitter, and Netflix gave him a free year’s subscription. 

- Kinda like when Anthony Weiner posted pix of his nether regions on Twitter…and got a free supply of Exxxtends for men. 

***** 

ABC News reported on a man in Florida who has a collection of over 2 thousand dolls. 

- There’s a guy in California named “Hugh” something who collects dolls as well, but his are alive and contain a lot more plastic. 

***** 

President Obama’s older half-brother Malik Obama want to become President of Kenya. 

- Donald Trump immediately demanded to see his Kenyan Birth Certificate!

*****

Demi Moore is asking Ashton Kucher to pay her alimony. 

- Of course she’ll have to keep paying Ashton’s parents Child Support. 

*****

Have a good day (at least you know it’s going to better that Kwame’s) and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick

Purtan Podcast #76: "The Life Of P.I."

Welcome to the weekend… and a brand new Podcast (#76). Today Jackie and I welcome a gentlemen to the table who has a rather interesting and very unusual profession. Think Humphrey Bogart… (No not as a River Boat Captain in the African Queen) but as a Private Eye. A Private Dick. A Gumshoe, if you will.

If you ever wondered if P.I.’s still exist…THEY DO…and that’s what our guest Tim Lennon does for a living. 

From Insurance Fraud cases, to middle-of-the-night visits to plant high-tech gear capable of tracking a cheating spouse ANYWHERE, to plain old fashioned leg-work…Tim does it all. And he shares some great stories - including one about a rather “amorous” couple he filmed “getting acquainted” in a car outside a restaurant. Once discovered, they drove like a bat out of hell out of the parking lot, drove a few blocks and continued to “getting acquainted” even better. Tim followed ‘em…and managed to videotape them “in the act” (so to speak) AGAIN ten minutes later. 

And with St. Patrick’s Day coming up, the full-blooded Irishman tells how he and his family celebrate the holiday (Let’s just say St. Patrick is more important to the Lennon’s than St. Nicholas) - and the way he starts his celebration every year. (It’s involves his late father, lots of cold beer, and a cemetery!) 

We also “Pontificate” if you will, on whether Priests should be allowed to get married…my kids being baptized by a pony-tail wearing, motorcycle driving, man-of-the-cloth…and lots of other stuff!

And we reveal the rather bizarre and intriguing way Jackie and Tim met… and how several years later, they ended up in a relationship of their own. 

So dust off your shamrocks and tune into Podcast #76… and if you feel like your being watched, well, you never know… 

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you back here with my regular blog on Monday! 

-Dick 

Purtan Podcast #76: “The Life Of P.I.”

Dennis Rodman: Miracle Worker! NOT!

Just a week after Dennis Rodman’s “peace mission” to North Korea, after which he announced that dictator Kim Jong Un is a “great guy”, that he “loves him”, and that Un “doesn’t want do war”, North Korea announced that their plans call for firing a pre-emptive nuclear missile strike against the U.S. 

- If it’s true, it’s certainly gonna put a kink in their “Bromance”. 

***** 

The head of Russia’s Communist Party is calling for a “world wide investigation” into the Cancer death of Hugo Chavez earlier this week. He says it’s “no coincidence” that the leaders of 6 Latin countries known for criticizing the US have been diagnosed with cancer. 

- Wow! We are WAY more powerful than I thought! 

- Notice he blames America for their illnesses, but Vladimir Putin gets all the credit for giving himself six-pack abs. 

***** 

To prevent the confirmation of John Brennan as CIA Director - and President Obama’s proposed policy of using drones to kill Americans on American soil, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul did an old-fashioned filibuster. He talked for almost 12 hours. He wasn’t allowed to sit down or even leave the room to go to the bathroom. 

- He just droned on and on…

- The last time a politician went 12 hours with out going to the bathroom was Joe Biden. He misunderstood the rules of the White House “Texas Hold ‘Em” poker tournament. 

***** 

For the second time, a Congressional hearing into Global Warming was cancelled due to heavy snow. 

- Well if heavy snow in Washington in March isn’t a sure sign of Global Warming I don’t know what is! 

***** 

Justin Bieber was booed at a concert in London for showing up two hours late. 

- Apparently somebody’s afternoon nap ran a little long.

***** 

Carrie Fisher has signed on to appear in an upcoming Star Wars movie. She’ll reprise her role as “Princess Leia” the romantic interest of “Han Solo” - who Harrison Ford has already signed on to play again. 

- They’ll still be involved, but in the new movie, Harrison will have to take Viagra to get his Light Sabre to work. 

- In a related story, Michael Moore has expressed an interest in playing “Jabba the Hut”. 

*****

On this day in 1876 Alexander Graham Bell was awarded a patent for the telephone.

- Texters were amazed to find out you could actually use your phone to TALK to someone! 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow with a brand new Podcast involving a guest who has a VERY INTERESTING occupation! 

-Dick

"Oh Boy! Looks Like It's A Girl!"

Kate Middleton is denying that she tipped-off the sex of the baby she’s expecting when a woman handed her a white teddy bear. Kate responded, “Oh, is this for our d…? Thank you so much!”

- When my wife Gail was pregnant, I made the same “slip of the tongue”… Turns out I was right all SIX times. 

- This means there could be another Queen in Englands future…in addition to Elton John.

***** 

Sharp-tongued Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez died Tuesday at the age of 58 and will be laid to rest on Friday.  

- Sean Penn is said to be inconsolable. 

- I wonder if Chavez was surprised when he got to Hell and found out the Devil didn’t look anything like George Bush? 

- Well there go Dennis Rodman’s plans for dinner and a movie with Hugo. 

*****

Experts have concluded that static electricity is to blame for the Hindenburg disaster which happened 76 years ago. 

- It took them 76 years to figure this out? 

- This is why I never wear socks when I go on blimp rides over New Jersey. 

- Somebody forget to stock the Hindenburg Laundry Room with sheets of Bounce.

 *****

Warren Buffet dropped out of the top three on Forbes list of the world’s richest people. 

- What a loser! 

- Buffet was allegedly so depressed, he’s moved down to Margaritaville to stay with his brother Jimmy for a while. 

***** 

A University of Munster study found that having sex can be a partial or complete cure for headaches. 

- The study was made possible by a grant from every married man on the planet. 

***** 

Psychology Today reports that the most popular place for people to find love at first sight is Wal-Mart. 

- This explains why the Wal-Mart sign was in all of Brad and Angelina’s wedding photos.  

- It makes sense…You put guns, beer, stretch pants and two lonely people in one room and somethings bound to happen! 

***** 

On this date in 1836, the battle of the Alamo took place. 

- It was the beginning of America’s long debate over Immigration. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Thursday! 

-Dick 

"When Are You Gonna Come See The Un-Baby???"

North Korea has finally confirmed the long-standing rumor that North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un’s wife gave birth their first child late last year. Experts believe it’s a girl, because the birth of a boy would have been announced immediately. 

- The baby allegedly has her mother’s eyes and her father’s desire to destroy America. 

- Not suprisingly, it was a short labor. 

***** 

Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un’s new BFF Dennis Rodman told ABC News that KJ “wants President Obama to call him”. Rodman added that despite all his missile talk, the diminutive dictator said, “Dennis, I don’t want do war.”

- Obama said he’s not ready to call Kim Jong Un, but he would accept a friend request from him on Facebook. 

*****

The CIA admitted that as of now, Dennis Rodman knows more about Kim Jong Un than any other American - including government officials. 

- I think that info will have millions of Americans sleeping better tonight. 

*****

Jamie Lee Curtis wrote an editorial in the Huffington Post about how offended she was by Seth MacFarlane’s joke and his “We Saw Your Boobs” song at the Oscars. 

- Newsflash Jamie! We DID see your boobs in “Trading Places”

- Wait until she see’s his new video, “We Saw On TV That You Have Intestinal Issues!”

*****

Experts say that if you exercise at any time of the day, it can help you get to sleep at night. 

- My favorite time to work out is around 3am when I’m tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep. 

*****

Researchers from the University of California and Spain report that on average, women’s brains are 8% smaller than men’s brains, but they’re organized more efficiently. 

- The women’s brains are also dusted, vacuumed and have a special closet just for thoughts about shoes. 

- The study could be a bit off since we all know that men lie about the size of their…brains. 

***** 

Friends of Nadya Suleman, The Octomom, say she’s been exhibiting bizarre behavior lately. 

- Case in point: She hasn’t been artificially inseminated in months! 

*****

A German study found that pessimists live longer. 

- Well that ought to give them something to be optomisitic about! 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday! 

-Dick 

They Call 'em "Not So Mellow Yellow"...Quite Rightly!

With Michigan’s 58-57 win over Michigan State Sunday, the two teams evened up their basketball rivalry with one win apiece! Great game…but what was up with the Wolverines’ yellow shoes!? As they ran up and down the court, they looked like really tall glasses of Mountain Dew!

***** 

National Procrastination week starts today.

- The Kwame Kilpatrick jury starting celebrating this two weeks ago. 

***** 

The Hollywood Reporter is saying that Jay Leno is going to be doing his final Tonight Show soon and will be replaced by Jimmy Fallon. 

- Oscar host Seth MacFarlane is already recording a piece for the last show called “We Saw Your Chin!”. 

***** 

Charlie Sheen said he would like to be Lindsay Lohan’s mentor. 

- If only he knew something about car wrecks, doing Cocaine, and getting busted by the cops! 

Sheen denies, however that he and Lindsay are involved in a romantic relationship. 

- Actually they’ve been dating for six months, but neither one of them remembers it. 

***** 

Al Qaeda issued a list of 22 ways that al Qaeda members can avoid being killed by U.S. drones. 

- Their number one suggestion is to make sure you blow yourself up first. 

***** 

Kim Kardashian is reportedly displaying her baby bump to quell rumors that she’s faking her pregnancy.

- If it is real, by her ninth month Kanye West won’t be able to tell if she’s coming or going.

***** 

On this day in 1809, James Madison became the first US President inaugurated in American-made clothes. 

- On this day in 1817 his succesor, James Monroe, began the time-honored tradition of U.S. Presidents being inaugurated in clothes made in China, purchased at WalMart. 

*****

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Tuesday!

-Dick