Tuesday, April 12, 2011 at 11:14AM 
We’re baaaack! After a week of the whole family having fun-in-the-sun, Jackie and I are back at the comedy keyboard. Many thanks to Big Al for sitting in and doing such an outstanding job while we were gone! Sorry if there are any misspellings this morning, but I forgot that I didn’t need to put on sunscreen and my fingers keep sliding off the keys…
Tuesday, April 12, 2011 at 11:13AM 
After serving just 7 months of her 37-month prison sentence at “Camp Cupcake” in West Virginia (the same federal prison camp that hosted Martha Stewart!) Monica Conyers wants to go home. In a three page hand-written letter to to the court, Monica claims officials failed to take into consideration her “age, education, vocational skill, employment record, family ties and responsibilities” and believes she should be allowed to serve the rest of her time in “home detention”.
- Her husband, U.S. Rep. John Conyers immediately wrote a follow-up letter begging the court to deny her request.
- If they don’t let her go home, there’s gonna be a lot of Shreking… I mean, shrieking!
- If “family ties” was a legit reason to get out of the hooscow, Charles Manson would have been freed years ago.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011 at 11:13AM 
Apparently President Obama is tired of being in the spotlight. He told Hearst Magazine that he’s not a golf addict, but it’s his only way to get away for privacy. He said, “I miss Saturday morning, rolling out of bed, not shaving, getting into my car with my girls, driving to the supermarket, squeezing the fruit, getting my car washed, taking walks. I can’t take a walk… I miss being anonymous”.
- From what I hear JFK never missed much time “Squeezing the fruit” while he was the Prez!
- I guess getting up on Saturday mornings, grabbing a hose, and washing Air Force One just isn’t the same.
- If he wanted to be anonymous, he should have run for Vice President!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011 at 11:13AM 
“DWTS” judge Carrie Ann Inaba dubbed Kirstie Alley “the Queen of Unexpected Mishaps” after she suffered another disaster on live TV. Last week her partner collapsed while dipping her. Then last night during a waltz, as rose petals fell from the ceiling, Kirstie’s stiletto shoe fell off as she twirled, leaving her partner to slowly circle around her while she struggled to get her shoe back on. Frustrated, Alley later said, “Look at me, I’m supposed to act like a swan, and I’m putting my shoes on.”
- I don’t think the shoe “fell off”… I think it jumped off her foot because it couldn’t take the weight!
- Thank God her bra didn’t snap or somebody could have lost an eye.
- If they’d just invite one of those barefoot Kenyan Marathon runners on the show they wouldn’t have to worry about this kind of thing.
- I thought the judges were real heels for marking her down!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011 at 9:02AM 
On this day in 1861, Confederate forces fired on Fort Sumter in South Carolina, officially beginning the Civil War.
- The Confederates were led by Jefferson Davis… and the Yankee’s by George Steinbrenner.
Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Wednesday!
- Dick
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 3:48PM 
Hi, Big Al here sitting in for the final day for Dick and Jackie. The dynamic duo of DickPurtan.com return Tuesday morning! And now…on with the news…Saturday, about 700 people attended the Louisville, Kentucky, Visual Art Association’s “Bacon Ball” fundraiser. The organizers were stunned by the high turnout. They also expected only 25 or so entries to a bacon-themed art auction. Instead, they were swamped with over 100 entries, including a carbonated soft drink made from a locally brewed ale infused with fat from pork bellies.
- It got so crowded at the bacon-themed art auction that there was very little room between the exhibits. Only about, oh, six degrees of separation…Sorry. (Insert your own Kevin Bacon joke here)
- Among the celebrity judges? Mad Men actor Jon Hamm, Miss Piggy and Sarah Jessica Porker. (Sorry, again)
- What’s wrong with this picture?…We can get 700 people to attend a “Bacon Ball”, but our government can’t find away to cut out pork?
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!
A Parisian perfumer Fargginay may have created the ultimate cologne for men. It’s called ” bacon,” (“bay-CONE”), and it smells like bacon. Their website claims the formula was created in 1920 by French butcher John Fargginay. A small bottle of “bacon” is now available to anyone for $36. They call it “the scent of the gods” that takes you to “a new level of awesome.”
- Anybody got any leftover Kevin Bacon jokes?
- So if e-Harmony ain’t workin’ for ya, just slap on some bacon cologne and hit the singles bars…or your favorite breakfast joint.
- Other fragrances created by French Butcher John Fargginay?…Bris-kett, Ode to Filet Mignon and coming soon…Hamburger Helper by Esteak Lauder!
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 3:42PM 
A California man was arrested last week after he allegedly shot out his son’s stereo speaker with a shotgun. His 24-year-old son said his dad complained about his loud music and asked him to turn it down or put on headphones. He claims he did turn it down, but his dad thought he didn’t, so he told his son to get out of the way and blasted the speaker. The district attorney released the dad without filing charges, because nobody was hurt and the son didn’t feel threatened.
- Sounds like the reaction we used to get from some of our listeners. (Actually, after some of the material I’ve come up with today, I wouldn’t be surprised if people starting shooting their computers)
- Okay, I have to admit it…I shot my TV 
last week when Pia got kicked off American Idol.
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 3:28PM
Friday, the Washington State Senate voted 46 to 2 to strictly define “service animals” for the disabled. Restaurant owners had complained that people were bringing in all kinds of animals, including pigs, monkeys and even a snake that a man claimed he’d trained to squeeze him when he started having a seizure. Now, only dogs will be considered service animals, with one exception: specially trained miniature horses.
- But if the miniature horse doesn’t come out of the restaurant within an hour – call PETA and have them check the “Special of the Day”.
- So this miniature horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: “Hey, why the short face?” (Rim Shot, please)
- There are several lines that come to mind about that man and his trained snake…but I’m going to keep them to myself.
And on that, I’m out of here! Yes, Dick and Jackie return Tuesday morning! Thanks Dick and Jackie for letting me “Web Sit” DickPurtan.com! Be well everyone and remember, you can always find me at my Official Big Al Muskavito Facebook Fan Page. All the best!
“Big Al”
Friday, April 8, 2011 at 8:29AM 
Hi, “Big Al” here, sitting in again for Dick and Jackie…Well, it’s a right of passage. It’s the official start of Spring. And as the old commercial jingle used to say: “Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet”. Unless you’re Dick Purtan, who would skip the crust and only eat the apple part because of all the fat content. And don’t even get him started about hot dogs…a turkey dog maybe. But yes, it’s Opening Day in Detroit!
I’ve been to my share of Opening Days; considered among many as the holiest day of the year. And on most occasions, it’s usually the coldest day in April. But cold, hot, rainy, snowy, it’s a day that makes you feel like a kid all over again. One of my fondest memories was the day my Dad pulled me out of high school and surprised me with two tickets to the game! 
(Note: Sorry, the story is true but not this photo. I borrowed that pic from the Internet!)
While I really do love Comerica Park, nothing can compare to the Opening Days at Tiger Stadium. Sonny Elliott behind the plate portraying an umpire. Coleman Young on the mound throwing out the ceremonial first pitch. Walking up that steep incline to the upper deck seating. And those men’s rooms - where you had to stand next to a bunch of guys at a single urinal trough. That was just too much pressure for me!
Another great highlight of Opening Day at Tiger Stadium was seeing “Herbie Redmond the Dancing Groundskeeper”. Herbie was one of the most colorful and popular characters in Detroit baseball in the 1970s and 1980s. During selected innings Herbie would lead a line-up of sweepers around the base paths to manicure the infield dirt. But Herbie was the only one who danced his way around the infield with his dance partner – his trusty broom. Born in 1929 in Birmingham, Alabama, Herbie served in the U.S. Army during the Korean War and worked as a forklift operator for Ford Motor Company before joining the Tiger Stadium grounds crew in 1969. Herbie passed away in 1990. Thanks for the memories Herbie!
I hope you’re one of the lucky ones who gets to attend Opening Day today; whether it’s with your office mates, who all ironically called in sick, or with your son, daughter or even grandchild. Take it all in. It’s a special day filled with wonderful memories no matter what the final score. Have fun and please be safe. Have a great weekend everyone and…PLAY BALL!!!
“Big Al”
Friday, April 8, 2011 at 8:14AM 
The following “Best of Purtan” bit (Off of the “Best of Purtan” Volume 7) became a yearly tradition. It involves a memorable phone conversation between John “Ankles” Stewart and his lovable father Jack Stewart about “Opening Day”. (Click below to listen!)
