Born To Run?

New Jersey Democrats have convinced nine-time Olympic gold medallist Carl Lewis to run for state Senate. They don’t seem to be bothered by the fact that he has absolutely no political experience. 

- I’m sure that’s a hurdle he’ll have no problem getting over. 

- When he announces his candidacy, he’ll kneel down on a block, and the head of the DNC will shoot a pistol in the air. 

- If he loses, he’ll lose faster than any candidate in history! 

- They were going to ask Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps to run, but they figure the state is already under enough water.  

What A Load Of Crap!

A University of Minnesota study found that having a baby is bad for your health.  They followed 1500 people from high school to their mid-20’s and found that after they had kids, the baby took up so much of their time, the men got an average of 90 minutes less exercise per week than their childless counterparts.  It was worse for women:  They got an hour’s less exercise per week, consumed more sugary sodas and saturated fats, ate 400 more calories a week and had a higher body mass index that the women who didn’t have kids. 

- The good news is, by the time your health totally deteriorates, your kids will be old enough to take care of you! (Right… good luck with that!)  

- Of course the mom’s ate more calories!  Somebody’s got to eat all the crusts cut off the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!

- If dragging yourself out of bed at 3a.m. to change a loaded diaper isn’t exercise, I don’t know what is.  

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was shot by actor John Wilkes Booth while watching the comedy, “Our American Cousin”. 

- Ironically, he was supposed to have gone to see “Spiderman: The Musical” that night - but the performance was cancelled due to technical problems.  

And on this day in 1912, the Titanic hit an iceberg, eventually sinking.   

- The tragedy led to another disaster years later… The release of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”.  

Have a great day and I’ll see you back here Friday with more family pictures from last weeks vacation!

- Dick 

Speech Impediments?

The President is set to deliver a major speech to the nation tonight which will allegedly reveal his plans to start getting this country out of debt. But budget analysts say that most of the $38 billion in spending cuts agreed to last week were actually accounting tricks and “sleight of hand”. Among the items that were counted as “cuts” were programs that were already set to close and salaries of Obama “czars” who’ve already left office. 

- Since we haven’t been told what a czar makes, I looked up the last known Czar I could think of, Nicholas Alexandrovich Romanov of Russia and they shot him!  Hmmmm…

- You mean the government LIED to us? Boy, I didn’t see that one coming!

Package Delivery!

The Phalloglogical Museum, or “Museum of Penises” in Northern Iceland finally has it’s first human specimen. The museum has everything from tiny animal penises in jars, to a 67 inch sperm whale penis on display - but were thrilled to get their first “exhibit” from a human.  The pickled penis was donated by Pall Arason who was described as a funny, provocative braggart who liked attention and recently died at age 95.  The museum owner refused to comment on the size, saying that visitors will have to come see for themselves.  

- NOTE TO SELF:  Add “Trip to Museum of Penises” to my bucket list.  

- I just hope it’s not a “Hands On” museum…

- This is one museum where all the exhibits are well hung.  

- Iceland is surrounded by the frigid Atlantic Ocean… haven’t they ever heard of shrinkage?  

- Mr. Arason’s widow has suggested that they display her late husbands “contribution” next to the sperm whale specimen.  

An Artist's Brush With Death...

Artist Raven Collins of Florida has found a whole new portrait medium: cremated ashes.  Collins creates sketches of the deceased on commission, with their cremated remains brushed into the artwork.  She says other artists have mixed cremation ashes into art, but she’s believes she’s the first to use them to sketch the actual person.  She said, “I try to think outside the box.”

- Outside the pine box, that is. 

- Nothing says, “I’ll always love you” than mixing your dead grandpa with some acrylic paint and hanging him over the fireplace.  

- The pictures don’t look that great… all the subjects have kind of an ashen complexion.

"Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful!"

People Magazine has revealed their “Most Beautiful Person of 2011” and it’s… Jennifer Lopez!  JLo said that she was floored by the honor despite have made the list 11 times before.  Other “Beautiful People” include Zac Efron, Jessica Simpson, Katie Holmes, Jennifer Hudson and Sandra Bullock.  

- Among those surprisingly not on the list… Kim Jong Il, Helen Thomas and Big Al Muskovito. 

- When Tom Cruise heard his wife Katie Holmes had made the list he called Oprah and asked if he could come over and jump on her couch. 

Oprah's Kinda Like The Superbowl Without The Ball...

As the Queen of, well, just about everything, heads into the final stretch of her daytime TV show… she’s landed some pretty impressive guests including the Obamas.  But advertisers who want to jump on board for her final week of shows will have to pony up big bucks.  Each 30 second ad will cost a cool one million dollars. 

- Except for Gayle King and Stedman who will each get to air a 30 second video resume for free.  

- As a special surprise, Oprah is going to give the President a second term!

Today's Almanac

On this day in 1970, the crew of the ill-fated Apollo 13 mission radioed to NASA, “Houston, we’ve got a problem here.” 

- Luckily, they had AAA moon-side service!

Speaking of "Houston, We Have a Problem"...

Lady Gaga fell down at her concert in Houston Monday night.  Here’s the video for your viewing pleasure…

Have a great day and I’ll see you right back here Thursday!

-Dick