In the Free Press Today... 


In other news...

Trump accuser and porn star Stormy Daniels has postponed tonight's appearance at a strip club in Detroit due to a bad case of "Strep Throat". 

- On a bright note, Strep Throat is the least contagious thing Stormy has had in the last 10 years. 


Elon Musk announced that his first human-carrying rocket ships to Mars will begin operation early next year, but that chances are, "passenger's will die". 

- With a sales pitch like that, he's gonna save a ton of dough on advertising. 


Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says he's planning on investing his money in space travel. "Amazon Rockets" will begin arriving in space in 2020. 

- Or 2019 if they have Prime. 


Stephen Colbert lost a beer chugging contest to New England Patriots QB Tom Brady on TV Monday night.

- Colbert took 3.5 seconds to drink his beer... which is the longest he's ever gone without telling a Trump joke. 


A new study found that, instead of waiting for the traditional "Midlife Crisis",  more than 50% of Millennials between the ages of 25 and 35 are going through "A Quarter-Life Crisis". 

- The "Quarter" comes from between the cushions of the couch they're sleeping on in their parents basement.


Richard Simmons, who sued the National Enquirer for claiming that he was "transitioning to womanhood", has been ordered to pay the paper $130,000 since a judge ruled the story "wasn't necessarily negative". 

- Tell that to Mrs. Simmons! No wait...


RIP Stephen Hawking.... the brilliant physicist and author of "A Brief History Of Time" who has died at the age of 76. 

- Not to say I ain't smart, but I had a much easier time reading Marcel Marceau's book, "A Brief History of Mime". 


Have a great day and I'll see you back here Thursday!