Customs Officials at the Mexican border seized 14 rolls of bologna that were hidden under a car seat.
- This is a huge victory in the War Against Lunchmeat. At his arraignment, Mr. O. Mayer plead "My Bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R! My Bologna has a second name it's M-A-Y-E-R! Oh, I love to eat it every day! And if you ask me why I'll say... 'Cuz Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!"
Canada's House of Commons has voted to make the country's national anthem gender neutral by changing the second line of the anthem from "true patriot love, in all thy sons command" to "in all of us command."
- Meanwhile, U.S. lawmakers are considering removing "Oh say can you see?" from the Star Spangled Banner so as not to traumatize people who need cataract surgery.
Hackers have stolen the Democratic National Committee's opposition file on Donald Trump - which contains every negative story they have on The Donald.
- It would have been a lot easier to just watch MSNBC for an hour.
A man in Connecticut became verbally abusive to a woman when he spotted her breast feeding in a Target store, telling her it was "#$%@*&^ disgusting".
- He then left the store and headed over to do some shopping at Victoria's Secret.
The newest NBC poll shows that 54% of voters believe that Hillary Clinton will win the Presidential election.
- The other 46% think she's a shoe-in to win Homecoming Queen at next Fall's "Federal Prison Formal".
The New York Senate has passed a bill that would legalize online poker.
- Now it just needs to pass the Full House.
Richard Simmons has broken his silence and says he's NOT transitioning into a woman.
- He doesn't need to transition... I'm pretty sure he's been a woman since the 1970's.
A new study found that eating whole grains can help you live longer.
- But if you get those grains from eating Fiber One, you'll spend those extra years in the bathroom.
Have a great day and I'll see you back here Friday!