According to a new study, 1 in 50 fathers in England are unknowingly raising another man's child.

- Two words: Prince Harry. 


Donald Trump says that his kids, Eric and Ivanka can't vote in the New York primary because they didn't register with a political party. 

- So he has demanded that they appear on "The Apprentice" where he will immediately fire them.  


The Donald's ex-wife, Marla Maples, was eliminated from "Dancing With The Stars" on Monday night. 

- Thus ending her campaign to "Make The Tango Great Again". 

- Next up for Marla: She'll appear on a local Florida TV show called "Dancing With Little Marco". 


Kim Jong Un and the North Korean government have published a fake letter from Abraham Lincoln to President Obama in which Honest Abe criticizes Obama's policies against North Korean Nukes. 

- Dennis Rodman says President Lincoln has already agreed to join him on his next trip to visit his BFF...KJU! 


CIA Director John Brennan says the agency will not bring back waterboarding even if the next President wants it. 

- Instead they'll make suspected terrorists watch re-runs of my fellow Kenmore High School Graduate Wolf Blitzer until they're bored enough to give up the info. 


Pamela Anderson wrote a letter to California Governor Jerry Brown asking him to make all the state prisons stop serving meat. 

- So look for prisoners to be out in the yard trading cigarettes for meatloaf. 

- If you thought heroin was bad, burgers could be the new "gateway meat" to steak.


Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!