A new Gallup poll shows that 94% of Russians approve of Vladimir Putin. 

- The other 6% were immediately executed, so the next poll should show him at a solid 100%. 


Russia lost control of a satellite that was studying the effects of weightlessness on lizard mating. 

- Between invading countries and studying lizard sex, is it any wonder Putin doesn't have time to put on a shirt? 


A Scottish bladder surgeon discovered an "adult" toy in a woman's lady parts that had been there for 10 years, which she claimed ended up there after a night of drunken sex with her ex. 

- She says her bladder feels better but is annoyed that now she has to keep the phone in her pocket on vibrate all the time. 

- She credits her doctor for finding the toy, and Energizer batteries for "the best ten years of my life". 


Aretha Franklin says she was screamed at by a fast food restaurant employee and was so mad she walked out without her order. 

- Apparently Aretha won't stand for that kind of D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  


Craig Ferguson said he wouldn't have accepted David Letterman's show if it had been offered to him. 

- Sure, that's easy to say when no one offers you the show. 


Susan Sarandon has revealed that she had an affair with David Bowie in the 80's. 

- Not only was the romance great, but they were able to share each other's clothes and make-up. 


Sarah Palin is starting her own internet TV Channel called "The Sarah Palin Show". It will be available for $9.95 a month or a hundred bucks a year. 

- She's already signed up a bunch of sponsors including "The Moose Jerky Emporium", "The Conservative Polar Bear Coalition" and "DSW...the Designer Snowshoe Warehouse".


Have a great day and I'll see you back here Tuesday!