The CDC is warning Ebola survivors to abstain from sex for at least 6 weeks. 

- Who would have sex with someone who just got over Ebola...except for Charlie Sheen? 


A new line of men's boxers promises to protect a man's "family jewels" from harmful cell phone rays. 

- The ray-blocking underpants are especially effective with the iPhone Sex...uh, I mean, 6. 

- This will work great for everyone but Anthony Weiner since he normally doesn't wear pants when he's using his phone. 


The U.S. Postal Service announced plans to start delivering groceries. 

- They just have to figure out how to get a stamp to stick to a head of broccoli.

- If I don't get Christmas Cards delivered to my house until Easter...what are the chances they're gonna deliver my Chunky Soup before it's expiration date? 


The mother of Oscar Pistorius's murdered girlfriend says that her daughter never had sex with Oscar during their 3 month relationship. 

- Right...

- I don't believe her story any more than I believe Oscar thought he was shooting at an intruder in his bathroom. 


A study by the University of Missouri found that plants can tell when you're eating them. 

- So when that bowl of Chili starts "talking back to you"'s not the spices, it's the ticked off tomatoes. 


A new book claims that John F. Kennedy Jr. engaged in a torrid affair with Madonna. 

- Madonna left the relationship with some really great memories...and JFK Jr. left it with an unexplained rash.


A Nebraska high school is allowing guns to be used in senior portraits as long as they're legal. 

- So apparently you can't bring a gun to school in Nebraska...except on Picture Day! 


Have a great day and I'll see you back here Wednesday!