Vladimir Putin has been re-elected President of Russia receiving, according to him, 63% of the vote despite facing four challengers. Huge protests have sprung up around the country amid reports of widespread voter fraud. But the former head of the KGB-turned Prez Putin said, “I promised we would win… and we did!” 

- And to the protestors he said, “I promise if you keep demonstrating I’ll kill you… and I will!”

- In order to gain support, he’s promised to release a CD listing all of his accomplishments called, “The Best of Putin and Putin’s People”. 

- President Obama immediately appointed an “Election Czar” to investigate.