Kwames’ Mommy…

After seven terms as a U.S. Congresswoman from the 13th District, Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick, the mother of our currently incarcerated former Mayor lost in yesterday’s primary to State Senator Hansen Clark. 

On a happy note, now she’ll have a lot more free time to visit Kwame in the Slammer! 

Now she can get back to the things she loves… gardening, knitting, and baking cakes with files in them.

I guess with the family’s history of legal troubles, this time voters just weren’t willing to “turn the other Cheeks”.

“Says who?  Says me!”

Democrat Virg Bernero, dubbed America’s “Angriest Mayor” for his rants favoring federal bailouts for the auto companies will battle self proclaimed “Tough Nerd” Republican businessman Rick Snyder to become Michigan’s next governor.

The personalities of these two guys makes it sound like a fight during recess on the school playground… We could save the state a lot of money by skipping the election and just letting “the bully” and “the nerd” have a staring contest by the monkey bars. 

They’re Gonna Need a Lot of Windex…

Yesterday, two Republican Senators released a report called “Summertime Blues”.  It lists the 100 most wasteful spending projects in the $862 billion dollar stimulus bill.  Highlights include over $500,000 to replace windows in the Mt. St. Helens visitor center (which is closed) and a cool million to send researchers to India to study exotic ants. 

While they’re in India, maybe they can find the guy who had me on the phone for an hour and a half trying to fix my computer. 

$500,000 for windows?  They could have saved a lot of money if they’d just called 1-800-Hanson’s.  (They get it done!)

Unlimited Salad and Breadsticks! 

Saturday in Florida a woman met a man in the parking lot of an Olive Garden for a blind date.  He got into her car, pulled out a gun and demanded money.  She gave him 90 bucks and he took off running. Police caught him later and he told them he had spent the money having dinner at the Olive Garden. 

Later on the woman said he was kind of cute and admitted she’d like to see him again when he gets out of jail. 

Too Big to Rollover (Minutes)

A phone survey by the CDC suggests that Americans are getting a little more honest about how fat they are.  27% of phone respondents admitted being obese, compared to only 25.5% last year.  The actual U.S. obesity rate is 34 percent, so not everyone is honest. 

Big Al says he missed the survey call because he was out having lunch at the Olive Garden that day. 

He’s going to have to have his kilt let out for the Highland Games in Livonia this Saturday. 

Will He “Say Cheese” When They Take His Mugshot?  

A man named Ronnie from NYC has invented a new career:  Grilled Cheese pusher.  He started out making the sandwiches for a few friends, but demand increased and he now makes and delivers them in brown bags to people on street corners for $5 to $7 dollars each.  Now he’s afraid the health department will come after him since he doesn’t have a license. 

My mom used to make really good grilled cheese sandwiches too and she only charged me three dollars! 

“So… A Needle Pulling Thread”

Jonas, a man from Sweden, told the local press that after cutting his leg on his kitchen stove he went to the local emergency room, where sat around for over an hour.  Tired of being ignored, he grabbed some surgical thread and a needle, sewed up his own leg and went home.  He is being charged with “unauthorized use of medical equipment”. 

This gave the people in the US Congress an idea to save money.  Under the new healthcare bill, everyone will get a free needle and thread. 

Justin Time for V-Day!

16-year-old Justin Bieber shot down a rumor that he has signed a book deal to write his memoirs.  However, he does plan to star in a movie about his life that will open on Valentine’s Day of 2011.

The title of the movie:  “Leave it to Bieber!”

R U ACLU Kidding Me? 

Tuesday, the New York Landmark Commission cleared the way for a giant mosque to be built by Ground Zero, which the ACLU hailed as victory for tolerance…

If that’s true, I can’t wait to be able to buy a kosher hot dog at the Deli next door! 

And Finally…

Sandra Bullock has topped Forbes’ new list of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood with an income of over $56 million in 2009. 

Upon hearing this news, her ex, Jesse James, bought one of those “I’m with Stupid” T-Shirts with the arrow pointing directly at him!


Have a great day… See you tomorrow!

- Dick