He’s only served two weeks of his 1 and ½ year sentence, but the Michigan Department of Corrections is proposing that Kwame Kilpatrick head to boot camp with parole possible in just 90 days. He is currently in a prison near Traverse City.
- Kwame immediately texted the Department seconding the motion…
- He’s the only guy I know who gets sentenced to 5 years in jail and then ends up going to the prison equivalent of “Summer Camp”.
- So if you see something big and orange by the side of the road this summer, it might not be a construction barrell - it might be Kwame.
- If all goes well, he could be paroled in time to compete in the Traverse City Cherry Pit Spitting Competition!
The Sun Tabloid reports that Britney Spears’ top bodyguard has quit and is thinking of suing her for sexual harassment. Ex-cop Fernando Flores says that Britney is, “a nightmare to deal with, her emotions are totally out of control…she runs around the house naked yelling at staff”. Fernando says he quit because Brit started coming on to him and he wouldn’t give in…
- He doesn’t want to have sex with Britney? So he’s either gay or has a super-high co-pay for antibiotics.
- Not the sharpest tool in the shed, Flores has reportedly applied for a bodyguard job for Madonna.
- Let me get this straight… Emotions out of control, running around the house naked yelling at people? I’ve got three letters for you: “PMS”.
Lindsay Lohan’s attorney has confirmed that her client’s ankle bracelet, which detects alcohol in body sweat, did go off at an MTV Awards party last week… (Lindsay is forbidden from imbibing) but insists she believes Lindsay has complied with the “no-drinking” provision of her probation.
- Her attorney blamed it on her perfume, “Chanel No. 5 - 40 Proof”.
- …and the soap she uses… “Irish WHISKEY Spring”. Manly, yes. But Lindsay likes it, too!
- Miss Lohan wasn’t available for comment… she was over at Britney Spears’ house running around naked.
Alvin Greene, the unknown, unemployed veteran who won the South Carolina Democratic primary without taking a dime in campaign contributions is coming under fire… He’s facing a felony charge for allegedly showing obscene Internet photos to a female college student and faces up to five years in prison.
- He ran as a member of the “Tea and A” Party.
A 57-year-old woman from Ohio has been sentenced to three days in jail for repeatedly calling 911 to complain that she needed a husband. (She admits alcohol was involved).
- Instead of 911 she should have called 411 and just asked for some guys numbers.
- $50 bucks says she’s the star of next season’s “The Bachelorette”.
Donna Simpson of New Bridge, New Jersey wants to become the world’s heaviest living woman. The mother of two already weigh’s over 600 pounds and wears size XXXXL clothes. Her fiancé says she’s “very sexy” and is 100% behind her goal of reaching one thousand pounds.
- In a twist, after the ceremony, the bride will carry the groom across the threshold.
- They couple has hired a special high-speed photographer to capture the “cake eating” ceremony.
- She’s got a reality show in the works called, “Donna Plus 8… Hundred Pounds”.
- Hmmmm… XXXXXL. I believe that’s the next Superbowl that the Lion’s actually have a chance of playing in.
You’ve probably seen the video by now… Philadelphia Phillies fans were shocked during Sunday’s game when the stadium cameras picked up what appeared to be a 3 or 4-year-old boy with a beer bottle in his mouth. Officials say they haven’t been able to identify the little guy but assume the bottle was empty at the time.
- Still, they’re going to change the beers’ slogan to: “Tastes Great. Less Filling…In A Diaper”.
- The incident gave the kid’s dad a great idea… He’s going to wear “Pull-Ups” to every game so he’ll never miss a pitch!
- Umpire Jim Joyce said giving beer to a kid is, “a bad call”. And this time he was right!
Queen Elizabeth’s husband, Prince Phillip, celebrates his 89th birthday today.
- As a very special gift, the Queen has announced that she will spend the entire day holding his scepter.