“D-Day” for Kwame in the “D”
You could almost hear the violins playing as Kwame stood and addressed Judge David Groner this morning – insisting that he’s a changed man. But the judge didn’t buy it and as I’m sure you’ve heard, the former Mayor was sentenced to a maximum of five years in the slammer – with a minimum of a year-and-a-half for violating his probation. When the verdict was announced there was an audible gasp in the courtroom…
- The gasp actually came from the prison cook who suddenly realized he was going to have to double tonight’s recipe for Franks and Beans.
- A lot of people were thrilled with the verdict – even the Spirit of Detroit and the Joe Louis Fist gave each other a high-five.
- Remember the good old days when the mayor of Detroit just had a kid out of wedlock and his police chief hid a load of Kuggerands in his ceiling?
Economists say Europeans are bracing for the end of their beloved welfare states because they’ve run up an insurmountable debt and have to slash their budgets. The Prime Minister of Great Britain has already slashed the budget by 9 billion dollars including cutting limo service for all but four government officials.
- Charles and Camilla will continue to get around on horseback
- The Queen is pitching in by trading in her golden carriage for a Honda… Although Prince Charles has offered to buy her a Toyota.
Meanwhile in France the government is considering raising the legal retirement age for full pension benefits beyond the current level of 60 years.
- That’s just plain rude. Which makes perfect sense coming from the French.
- The government is also considering putting a comedy tax on the rental of Jerry Lewis films – which they believe could bring in enough money to single-handedly solve the crisis.
An inmate at a prison in Britain found an ingenious new use for a Sony Playstation. He attached the video game machine’s motor to a ballpoint pen with a sharpened end – thus creating a makeshift “Tattoo Machine”.
- Now all the guys on his cellblock have an “I Heart Super Mario Bros.” tat on their chests.
- In a related story… he turned his Wii into a makeshift urinal.
Dr. Raymond Adamcik was arrested in Florida during a “bar crawl” for medical professionals. He allegedly groped a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito stuffed in his pants.
- Things could have been worse… He could have dropped his chalupa.
- His defense lawyer claimed it was not a burrito in his pants – he was just happy to see her.
- I’d expect this kind of behavior from, say, “The Green Horny-net” but not Captain America!
For the second time in several weeks, a chapter of Pi Beta Phi has been accused of engaging in “Animal House” behavior. In the latest incident, the Ohio Chapter is accused of trashing an Arts Center – the site of their spring dance. They say attendees drunkenly had a food fight, threw dishes, up-chucked on carpets, tried to rip the clothes off a female bartender and even broke a bathroom sink while…um… having relations on top of it. By the way, Pi Beta Phi is a SORORITY…
- …The most Popular sorority on campus!
- Where were these girls when I was in college?
- “It was all a misunderstanding”, said they’re House Mother – a Miss Tonya Harding.
- To be fair, the seniors were over-excited because they’d just found out they’d been accepted into the WWF.
Speaking of Girls Gone Wild… Despite failing to attend her alcohol education classes and repeatedly missing hearings, Lindsay Lohan is not going to jail. For the time being she has to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet and submit to random drug tests. A source close to the family said Lindsay was “furious” with the ruling because she doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong.
- Of course that’s just the booze and drugs talking.
By the way, Lindsay showed up for the hearing eight minutes late.
- According to sources she went to the ladies room to “un-powder” her nose.
Are we having fun yet? Deakin University in Australia believes they’ve discovered the key to a long lasting marriage: The husband shouldn’t be too much happier than the wife. After studying tens of thousands of couples, they found that the bigger the “Happiness Gap”, the more likely a couple was to break up.
- So the bottom line is… if you want a long, happy marriage, make sure you and your spouse are equally miserable!