Tuesday, President Obama unveiled new restrictions on America’s use of nuclear weapons.  As long as other world nations obey Nuclear Treaties and don’t have nukes themselves… the U.S. will not retaliate with nuclear weapons even if we are attacked with chemical or biological warfare. Instead, the President says he’ll use “graded options”, combining old and new types of weapons…

No word yet on whether these will include the time-tested “swirly”, “noogie”, and “atomic wedgie”.  

 

In a related story, Monday the President threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener. The crowd both cheered and booed as the ball ironically veered wildly to the left…

The Washington Nationals’ catcher got so freaked out, that for the rest of the game he wore Nancy Pelosi’s chest protector.