She’s Got A Lot More Than Just A Travel Visa…

The furor over the Wikileaks dump of diplomatic cables isn’t dying down. Monday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was embarrassed by the revelation that she ordered embassy staffers to gather info on foreign U.N. oficials, including credit card numbers, fingerprints and DNA samples. 

- She got the DNA idea from Monica Lewisnky. 

- And she has Bill dusted for fingerprints every day!

- It’s only fair that she got the Nigerian President’s credit card number.  I just got an e-mail from one of his people asking for mine so I can get ten million dollars!

Of Mice and Men

A Cancer researcher at Harvard claims to have found a way to reverse many of the symptoms of aging.  He gave elderly mice a shot of a drug that turns on an enzyme that makes the body generate new cells.  Within two months, the mice had replaced so many old cell with new ones, they were almost completely rejuvenated and even started fathering litters of babies with much younger females.  While it could take ten years to make a human version, he said the mice experiments are the equivalent of turning an 80-year-old man back into a 50-year-old. 

- With his six girlfriends, I’m pretty sure Hugh Hefner perfected this drug years ago.  

- 80 year-old-women are thrilled!  If it works, they’ll get to go through menopause all over again!

How Much Do I Have To Shell Out For The Turtle Doves?  

PNC Wealth Management released its annual estimate of the cost of giving all the gifts mentioned in “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. Despite government claims that there is almost no inflation, the gifts would cost a total of $23,439 this year up almost two grand from last year.  The biggest jump was a a 30% rise in the price of Five Gold Rings.  The price of Three French Hens also soared 233% to $150, and higher wages and benefits for entertainers led to an $820 increase in the cost of hiring Nine Ladies Dancing.  

- Thank God Kwame’s in prison!  Imagine how much city money he would have spent on lap-dancing ladies at the annual it-never-happened party at the Manoogian Mansion! 

- The dancers also cost more this year because one of them was arrested and had to be bailed out of jail after being charged with prostitution.      

- It was hard to track down Three French Hens as they were off rioting in Paris over the two-year extension on the retirement age.  Then they spit on the reporter.  

- If you want to see Ten Lords a Leaping for under a hundred bucks, just sit in the audience of an Adam Lambert concert.  

- SAD NOTE:  This year, nearly all the maids-a-milking interviewed admitted they were lactose intolerant. 

Apparently Kermit Was Right, “It’s Not Easy Being Green”

Noted green lecturer and recycling activist Bono is embarking on the biggest touring production in rock history. U2’s “360 Degrees Tour” will cost $850,00 a day and require six 747’s and 55 trucks.  The previous record holders, the Rolling Stones, used only 46 trucks. 

- Maybe this should be called the “Do As I Say, Not As I Do Tour”. 

- To the bands credit, they will sell concert T-shirts made of 100% recycled material… made by kids in Chinese sweatshops.  

“Tis a Tangled Web We Weave”… Literally!

History’s most expensive show, the $65 million dollar “Spider-Man” musical, with a score by the above-mentioned Bono, had a disastrous first preview Sunday.  Special effects snafus forced the show to stop five times and run 3 and 1/2 hours. Some lowlights:  During the opening number, a lead actress was left dangling helplessly over the audience for eight minutes, wires fell on the crowd, and the “Green Goblin” character killed time by sitting at the piano and improvising “I’ll Take Manhattan, which one man called, “the best part of the show”.  Even Spider-Man was left hanging by a wire.  Toward the end, one woman yelled, “I don’t know about you, but I feel like a guinea pig tonight!”

- Sounds like this show has been cursed by “The Phantom of the Opera”!

- When asked for a comment on the glitches, Bono said, “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for”. 

- I almost invested in this show but luckily opted out and put my money in an upcoming re-make of “The Sound of Music” starring Charlie Sheen as “Captain Von Clapp”!

“And the Oscar, like, goes to, like, um…”

The Oscars have chosen some rather surprising co-hosts for this years Academy Awards:  Actors Anne Hathaway and James Franco.  Academy organizers claim they’re doing it to “celebrate young talent”… but the bottom line is, they want to attract a younger audience. 

- They should have just gone with Justin Bieber for the really young viewers and for the slightly-older but still young demo, Macauly Culkin.  

- I don’t care who hosts the show as long as Kanye West doesn’t show up. 


Have a great day and I’ll see you back here tomorrow… the 1st of December!

- Dick