I’ve Got Good News And Bad News…

Congratulations to the Spartans!  Amazing!  As for Michigan… you’ve left us all a little “A-Dazed and Blue”…

R.I.P. Leslie Neilsen

The brilliant comedic actor who made “Don’t call me Shirley” a household expression died in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida from complications of pneumonia.  Though we remember him best from the “Airplane” and as Lt. Frank Drebin in “Police Squad” and “The Naked Gun” movies… he actually began his career as a “serious” actor – even playing the ships Captain in “The Poseidon Adventure”.  Lucky for us, he turned to comedy.  Neilsen was 84. 


Use Your Mouse and Save Some Cheese!

Today is “Cyber Monday” – the on-line shopping equivalent of “Black Friday” with retailers offering major savings to internet shoppers. 

- Employers were worried that it would reduce productivity until someone pointed out that it will just cut down the time workers spend watching internet porn at the office. 

Shop ‘til Someone Drops!  

Retail sales on Black Friday were up 0.3 percent, but big crowds and long waits in the cold took a toll on shoppers’ patience. Police had to be called when thousand of shoppers rushed a Toys R Us in Grand Chute, Wisconsin and there was a scary pileup of stampeding shoppers trying to get into a Target in Buffalo.

- People in Buffalo don’t usually “stampede”, they usually “shuffle”! 

“Geoffrey the Giraffe” suffered whiplash in the Toys R Us incident and now has to wear a neck brace…

It Sounds Like A Bladder Control Issue…

“Wilileaks” sparked outrage by posting more than 200 thousand secret internal diplomatic communications leased from the U. S. State Department.  Aside from endangering confidential intelligence sources, they also reveal what diplomats and other officials actually think of various world leaders.  Among the revelations:  German leader Angela Merkel is “driven by paranoia” and that Libya’s Moammar Gadhafi has a fulltime nurse who’s a “hot blond”.

- Wow is that girl lucky!  Not only is she a hot blond, she gets to give Moammar Gadhafi sponge baths! 

- Angela Merkel is paranoid that nobody will take her seriously because she’s not a hot blond.

Their Relationship Was A Bust!

A man in Germany identified only as “Carston” is demanding a refund for his ex-girlfriend Anastasia’s breasts.  He agreed to loan her over $5000 (US) to get implants on the condition that she would stay with him for one year.  They broke up shortly after the surgery and now he wants the cash.  She says she’s repaid $3700 so far, and she’s afraid that if she doesn’t come up with the rest of the money, he’ll have police repossess her breasts.

- So to keep her breasts, it’s gonna cost her an arm and a leg.  

- They’ll be entered into evidence as exhibits “D” and “D”.

- They’ve agreed to a payment schedule… She’s now on the lay-away plan!

Wife Describes Husband as “Dumb as a Brick!” 

Reuters reports that a retiree in Germany decided to seal off the entrance to his cellar by bricking it up.  It was only after he’d finished the job that he realized he was on the wrong side of the wall and had bricked himself into his own basement.  Several days later, he escaped by drilling through a neighbor’s wall… since he didn’t want to wreck the one he’d just built. 

- His father did the same thing when he helped build the Berlin Wall.  

- Amazingly, when he emerged, Geraldo Rivera was there with a live camera crew.

I Love The Smell Of Pot-Pourri…

Willie Nelson was busted for pot possession in Texas after a Border Patrol officer smelled marijuana smoke coming from his tour bus. 

- Luckily these days Willie can claim he’s smoking pot for his glaucoma. 

- Willie has renamed his touring vehicle the “Canna-Bus”. 

- Willie Nelson smokes pot?  What’s next?  Charlie Sheen gets caught with a hooker?

Today’s Almanac

On this day in 1948, India officially abolished the concept of “untouchability”.

- Thus allowing millions of Americans to “reach out and touch” someone in India in order to get their computer fixed! 

- And just a few weeks ago, the TSA introduced “Touchability” at US airports!


Have a great Cyber Monday and I’ll see you right back here tomorrow!

- Dick