What Happened To Separation of Church & Animation?
The Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano has declared Homer Simpson to be a true Catholic. Despite the fact that Homer snores through the sermons of his Protestant minister, the paper says “The Simpsons” is one of the few shows that regularly addresses religion, and the family prays before meals and believes in the Afterlife. The paper declared, “Few people know it, and he does everything he can to hide it, but it is true: Homer J. Simpson is a Catholic.”
Homer released a brief statement today saying that he would, quote, “agree to be a Catholic but only if the Church would switch the “Wine” with “Beer”.
Now that Homer is officially a Catholic, the Vatican is counting on him to donate a lot “Doh!”
Chile Chile Bling Bling…
Yonni Barrios, the Chilean miner who had both a wife and mistress waiting for him when he was rescued, could make more money than he’s ever seen, thanks to his infidelity. AshleyMadison.com, the website that helps married people arrange affairs, reportedly offered Barrios $100,000 to be their Spanish language spokesperson. One problem: the offer is only good if he stays married.
Oh, come on, that’s just a “miner” problem. (Sorry)
Yonni said if he does get the $100,000, the first thing he’ll do is build himself a nice “man cave”.
Yonni stay married? What, and cheat on his mistress?
Residents of Murrells Inlet, South Carolina, say they were stunned last week, when a man began going around the neighborhood at 10 p.m., trying to sell marijuana and crack door-to-door. 25-year-old Eric Godbolt was arrested after one neighbor suggested that he try a particular house, which turned out to be the home of an off-duty cop.
Eric admits it was stupid to sell pot door-to-door. Next time he’ll sell something more respectable – like Sub-Prime Mortgages.
Until Eric was caught, he also had a very successful paper route… “Rolling” papers” that is.
One Old Man Is About To Get the Book thrown At Him!
Herbert Johnson of Stuart, Florida, has been banned from all libraries in the county because he allegedly won’t quit sexually harassing the librarians. One librarian accused him of making unwanted advances, and another said he left her inappropriate gifts and letters, including a letter “containing sexually explicit language.” Johnson is 92.
Poor old Herbert. He’s now been regulated to harassing women at Used Book stores.
At 92, Herbert needs to find a more respectable outlet for his urges…like searching the Web for porn.
Wait To Your Father Gets Home!
The highest court in the mid-eastern nation of the United Arab Emirates has ruled that a man can beat his wife and young children, as long as it leaves no physical marks.
So now covering their women up with burkas is finally starting to make sense to me.
Something tells me that the men of the UAE are going to have a tough time living with these new, tough standards.
A Game To “Monopolize” Your Time and Your Wallet…
The Museum of American Finance on Wall Street is displaying a Monopoly game made of 18 karat gold. The real estate properties on the board are inset with 165 gemstones. It was created by a jeweler in 1988, when the price of gold was under $500 an ounce. It’s now over $1300 an ounce, so the Monopoly set is valued at roughly $2 million.
Since the game is being displayed in a “Wall Street” museum, they’ve added extra “Get Out Of Jail” cards.
Not to worry, if the price of the game drops below $2 million dollars, the government will bail it out.
Maybe its time for me to get my game of “Twister” reappraised.
What Would Jesus Build?
The small town of Swiebodzin, Poland, is building the world’s biggest statue of Jesus. It will be 108 feet (33 meters) tall. Add in the platform He stands on and His two-meter crown of thorns, and it totals 129 feet (39 meters), dwarfing the current world record-holder, the 98-foot (30 meter) statue of Jesus in Brazil. The official reason for building it is to show gratitude to God, but a local official said they also hope the giant Jesus will attract tourists. He said if they’d opened a golf course or race track, tourists would just come for the season, but this should attract them year-‘round.
You get a free round of golf if you can hit your golf ball in Jesus’ mouth. (Note to readers: Please, no e-mails!)
Hmmm, maybe we could draw more tourists to Detroit year-‘round if we built a golf course and racetrack around the Joe Louis Fist.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has announced he’s going to build an even bigger statue of Jesus…in the shape of a nuclear warhead!
CPR That’s F-U-N!
Health officials issued new guidelines for giving people CPR that reverse the old standards: they now say to work on the chest first, and then press your lips to the other person’s mouth.
Good news for us guys! We’ve been practicing this procedure since we were able to walk upright.
The problem is teaching men when to stop working on the chest.
In related news…Big Al is happy to announce that he’s now dating a beautiful CPR test dummy.
This Day in History
On this day in 1938, Buddy Ebsen was hospitalized after being made seriously ill by his makeup in “The Wizard Of Oz.” He was replaced by Jack Haley as the Tin Woodsman.
The good news is, Ebsen sued and made enough money to buy a mansion in Beverly Hills with a ce-ment pond.
That’s all for now. I’m off to look for some Texas Tea, Black Gold, Oil that is! See ya back here tomorrow!