But What Do You REALLY Think?  

A USA Today/Gallup Poll asked 981 Americans what word or phrase they would use to describe the federal government.  Number one were variations on the phrase “too big” including “too costly”, “out of control”, “huge”, “intrusive” and “bloated”.  Coming in second were various forms of “corrupt and evil”.  Third place went to synonyms for “confusing”. There were also several uses of the word “suck” including, “it sucks”, “they suck” and “sucky”. One person chose “constipated”.  

Coming in 4th and 5th were “#@!*$>!” and “extremely #!$@%&*!”, respectively.  

There’s A Flag On The Play!

Brett Favre has apologized to his teammates for the “distraction” caused by an NFL investigation into phone messages and photos of the Vikings Quarterback that have been circulating on the internet.  They are supposedly from Favre when he was with the Jets, propositioning then Jet’s sideline reporter and Maxim model Jenn Sterger.  The pictures he allegedly sent her are of his “second-string quarterback” (if you know what I mean). The photos haven’t been positively ID’ed, but the NY Post interviewed a masseuse who claims Favre used the same come-ons with her.  

Look for Favre to announce that he is retiring from harassing women in New York, but will then change his mind and start harassing women in another city next season.  

The NFL plans to huddle and decide what to do. 

Hey… a man can only slap a guy on the butt so many times before he starts looking for some action with the ladies.

Favre maybe forced to retire now… but he’ll probably be playing with “the old pigskin” for many years to come! 

Leggo My Ego! 

French Prime Minister Christine Lagarde risked controversy by asserting that women make better politicians than men.  She said that men’s ego, testosterone and sex drive make them prone to humiliating people and taking decisions personally, while most women in power aren’t  ruled by their libidos or egos and are better able to cut deals, communicate, and convince people to work with them.  She was diplomatic enough not to point out the time time French President Sarkozy allegedly kept Queen Elizabeth waiting while he had sex with his wife, model Carla Bruni. 

Queen Elizabeth supported the theory, saying she’s never made a political leader wait so she could have sex. Although she did admit she was late for a few appointments due to being stuck on the throne. 

Prince Charles admitted that he once kept an unidentified ambassador waiting while he had Camilla groomed and re-shoed.  

You Want Me To Pin the Tail On the What???

Jessica Webber of Oregon is suing the Markum Inn hotel for sexual harassment among other things.  She claims she was forced to quit her job after the husband and wife owners subjected her to some rather bizarre behavior.  At one point, Jessica, and her fellow female employees were asked to rate the private parts of a male stripper for an upcoming bridal shower.  But before he showed up, the male owner stripped to a throng, did lap dances, then took off the thong and danced naked in front of the group.  Jessica says she left after employees were asked to play a game of “ring toss” on him. 

NOTE:  Guys, if you’re ever a participant in this type of “ring toss” and the game last more than hours, go directly to the hospital.  

She’s just lucky she got out before they started doing the Hokey Pokey! You know… “You put your right hand in, you put you’re right hand out, you put your right hand in… and you shake it all about!”

“The Spy Who Loved Me… And Every Other Tom, Dick Or Achmed”

Good news for female Jewish spies: It’s NOT a sin to have sex on the job. In a study called “Illicit Sex for the Sake of National Security”, Israeli Rabbi Ari Schvat gave his official blessing to female spies who need to have sex as part of sting missions to trap terrorists.  He cited several Biblical precedents, including the Jewish Queen Ester who slept with the Persian King to save her people back in 500 B.C.  

LITTLE KNOWN FACT:  Afterward, Queen Ester told an aide that after the relationship was consumated, the Persian King just, “laid there like a rug”.  

In an effort to make the female Israeli spies more seductive to terrorists, the government is now teaching a class entitled:  “How to Complete a Successful Gaza Strip-Tease”.

So apparently, the Israelis and Palestinians are sharing more territory than we thought. 

“Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are!”

Monday was “National Coming Out Day”, when gay people are encouraged to come out of the closet. Coincidentally, it was also the day that George Michael got of prison after serving a month for driving while high.  George says he’s ready for a new beginning, and declared, “I just want to start again”.

I’ll be curious to know whether or not George ends up with a man in a yellow hat.  

It was an emotionally moment as George was released.  He kept yelling, “‘C’mon Warden!  Let me stay just one more night!”

I’ll never forget the day day Elton John came out of the closet. Of course, in his case it was a really huge walk-in closet.  


Have a great day and we’ll see you back here tomorrow!

- Dick